Falling in love at first sight is so 20th century. If you were dating a woman or had a girlfriend who was thinking things were moving too fast – you’re not alone.
Sure women might be more apt to have sex on a first date, but don’t take that as a sign of their interest in coupling up. Nowadays women are waiting longer than ever to get married, buy a home, and have kids. With gender equality the best it’s ever been, stagnant wages, and romantic options a plenty, women now have the option to take things slow.
This isn’t 1960 where the median age of a female when she had her first marriage was just 20 years old. It’s a worldwide trend that women are delaying exclusive relationships. So when she says that it’s not you, it’s her, she’s probably telling the truth.
Despite the trend, the juncture in which she thinks things are moving too fast and wants to slow down can tell you a lot about the status of the relationship. In this article we’ll take a look at how that sentiment changes depending on when she expresses her desire to slow things down.
Let’s keep in mind though that every situation is unique. This article may not address the real reason she doesn’t want to commit. There are a thousand reasons why she feels the way she does. Use the advice in this article to inform your behavior after she’s stressed her disinterest in moving forward in a more exclusive manner.
She Thinks Things Are Moving Too Fast: After The First Or Second Date
There are a myriad of reasons why she might feel things are moving too fast after just a first or second date. Slowing things down after a couple of dates isn’t a euphemism for “eh, I never want to see you again.” To keep things from spiraling out of control she wants to slow things down. Let’s look at two likely scenarios that led her to put on the brakes.
The Kiss
You can touch her lower back, make lasting eye contact, and hold hands all you want. But the truest symbol of your affection is the kiss. The kiss requires allowing another to enter your personal space and demonstrate their affection. But just because you two have checked off all the kissing prerequisites doesn’t mean that she wants a smooch. An unsolicited kiss is a major turnoff.
Prevent this faux pas by reading her body language. Crossing her arms or legs, staring off into the distance, and building a barrier between the two of you are all sings that she doesn’t want to taste you. Wait until she opens up (literally) to you before planting one.
Relationships are at their most delicate early on in the relationship. Become a maven in reading your date’s body language. Gauge her receptivity to kissing by gradually increasing the ways in which you make physical contact with her. Start by touching her on the lower back and shoulder but gradually move your touches south. As time goes by allow your hand to linger for an extra moment before taking it off her body.
If the signs put towards a consensual kiss, but your attempt is ultimately rejected, just tell her the truth. Show remorse for making her feel awkward and tell her how you feel. Here’s a boilerplate for you:
“Katie, I really like you. I think I just let my emotions get the best of me with that kiss. I’ll promise to behave going forward.”
You can respect her wishes and joke with her at the same time. Tell her that now that you’ve been rejected, you won’t be initiating the kiss in the future for fear of being snubbed twice in a row. Should a kiss go down, you two will have to swap gender roles and she’ll have to initiate the smooch.
You’re Boyfriend Material
Despite both gender and bedroom equality, women are still viewed as lesser if they go to bed easy. There is stigma that surrounds putting out on a first or second date. If she seems you as real boyfriend material she might opt to delay any physical behavior. She doesn’t want to be just another notch on your belt.
On the flip side, if she sleeps with you after a date or two she might just be interested in a ride.
No matter the case, obey her wishes. Doing so only works to your benefit. Even if you sense the chemistry, keeping your hands to yourself shows you respect her. Sure frenching is hot and all, but respect is sexy too.
She Thinks Things Are Moving Too Fast: On/After The 3rd Date
Just because MegaDaters expect to have sex by the third date doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Women are like fingerprints. Sure many of them look the same and all of them serve the same purpose, but each and every fingerprint is unique. Some may want to have sex on the first date, while others may want to wait until the 10th date before even hinting at their desire to get frisky.
If you’ve built sufficient sexual tension during the second date, having sex is plausible on the third date. But take nothing for granted. She could decline the invite back to your house because she’s on her period, doesn’t feel sexy, just ate Indian food, or maybe she’s just not ready.
React to her lack of interest in sex in the most graceful manner possible. Respect her wishes as soon as they’re expressed. Don’t attempt to persuade her to come back to your place in the hope that she’ll change her mind once she gets there. Expressing respect makes her feel safe. The sex will come, you’ll just have to wait. Think about it, if she went on a third date with you, it’s likely she’ll want a fourth.
Let’s Say The Opposite Happened
You wooed her with your wit and romance on the third date and she gleefully accepted the invitation to your place. You two made sweet music and now you’re ecstatic. Everything’s going well, so you’re surprised when she texts to say that she thinks things are moving too fast. Odd right?
Translation: “I’m scared that putting out too soon will turn me into a trophy or have you think of me as lesser and not want to see me again.”
The fear of being undervalued after giving it up early is still pervasive. Quell her worry by texting her after you two have sex by saying how awesome she is. Arrange for the next date to not be sexual in nature. This means no bars or romantic restaurants. If she has already expressed that she wants to slow things down, acknowledge that things may have accelerated quickly last night and that you still want to see her again, even if you two go on a date that in no way leads to sex.
She Thinks Things Are Moving Too Fast: During The First Month Of Dating
A flame needs adequate attention and careful planning for it to grow. An overzealous camper will smother a flame by piling too many pieces of wood too quickly. The flame must catch fire to another log before another one can be artfully placed on the growing fire.
So tell me. How is your romantic fire supposed to grow if you keep throwing logs in the form of baby names, hinting at moving in together, and wanting her to meet the family?
Relationships during the early stages are the most fragile. There’s no need to inundate her with affection. If you play your cards right you’ll have plenty of time to demonstrate your affection for her. Let the age old adage of everything in moderation guide you towards romantic success. To better understand how to behave in a nascent relationship, you should strive to understand attachment styles.
Attachment Styles Are Developed at Childhood
The three most common forms of attachment styles are: anxious, avoidant, and secure. Each attachment style determines how one reacts in a relationship. Do they run away when things get too heated, does your new girlfriend suffocate you with affection, or do you two have your run of the mill healthy relationship? Understanding your style of attachment will help you navigate romantic relationships.
When she broaches slowing things down, be cognizant of the language she uses. Did her tone say that she wants a break but her wording suggests she wants to end the relationship? Should the topic arise, ask for clarity.
Try to understand where she’s coming from without coming off as pushy. To get a better idea of how long she wants the break to span for, tell her:
“Hey Joanna, this comes as a bit of a surprise to me. I’m happy to give you some space and slow things down a bit. Why don’t we take a couple of days to ourselves and pick things up this weekend for a hike. How does that sound?”
This message lets her know that you will respect her wishes, you want to see her, but it’ll also elicit a response that will give you an indication of the direction the relationship is headed in.
She Thinks Things Are Moving Too Fast: Sometime During Months 3-12
A break early on in the relationship is easy to handle. She hasn’t rooted too deeply in your heart to rip it out should she leave, so a break can be taken in stride. But asking to cool things off after months of dating can be emotionally turbulent. To clear the air as soon as possible, initiate an in-depth conversation that gets to the root of the issue.
Don’t text or call, even if that’s how she informs you of her wish to slow things down. Invite her over or find a quiet public place to discuss your relationship.
To obtain clarity, ask her the following questions:
- What specifically do we need to slow down on?
- Is there something I’m doing that isn’t working for you?
- Do you need time apart, if so how much?
Let her know that you’re a big boy. If she wants to end the relationship, it’s better to end it abruptly than have it limp along. Don’t persuade her to be with you. Convincing her that you’re the right man isn’t a healthy way to sustain a relationship.
I tell my clients never to be like salmon swimming up stream. Love isn’t strenuous like that. The right person is easy to be with. Love feels more like coasting down a hill on a long board or riding blissfully down an easy river in a tube. Rollercoasters were fun when you were 20 and figuring out what type of person you were into. But rollercoaster relationships are nauseating and unsustainable.
Hire An Expert
There is no single way to go about finding love. No bright and shiny road that leads towards marriage, buying a home, and starting a family. Finding a worthy partner and maintaining a relationship isn’t those bereft of mental fortitude. Instead of asking your best friend who’s never once had a woman reject him, consult with a dating professional about your romantic tribulations. If you’re tired of hitting your friends up for cliché dating advice, book a 1-on-1 New Client Skype session with me.
During our session we’ll discuss your specific situation in more detail, create a strategy, and see if ongoing coaching might help you reach your dating/relationship goals in record time.
Remember that when you’re with the right person, the relationship feels effortless. Sure, there may be occasional arguments, but overall the good vibes are tenfold that of the bad. If this doesn’t describe your situation it might help to talk it out. I would love to help.