Well, that was exhausting. And by “that,” I mean digesting the two-night Bachelor in Paradise season five finale. Good freaking lord, guys. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it, but this took my heart on quite the rollercoaster ride. Then again, I was also consuming margaritas whilst watching and it’s been a while since I had tequila, so that could have played a part.

MOVING ON!

Because there was so much going on during the finale, I felt like a play-by-play recap would leave your head spinning (and me in tears when trying to edit this). Therefore, I’m going to break down the finale one Bachelor in Paradise couple at a time (only the important ones, that is) and the lessons we can learn from each.

Jordan and Jenna: Passion Doesn’t Always Equal Paradise

“I ship these two crazies so hard,” is what I texted my sister before this big fat cheating scandal came out. Seriously, these are two of the strangest and most wonderfully ridiculous people I have ever seen. I thought these two were made for each other, but clearly, passion doesn’t always equate to paradise. Looking back it’s easy to see the red flag:

• Jenna kept going back and forth about her feelings for Jordan
• Jordan threw a giant stuffed dog in the ocean to spite David, which was hilarious, but also aggressive
• Jenna freaked out over the engagement photo shoot between her and Jordan
• I’m also pretty sure that Jenna spent 99.9% of her time plastered on that island, so how could she possibly know what she wants? She may have been blacked out for a majority of her relationship with Jordan. No judgment, I’m just saying it looked like Wells and Yuki made those drinks strong

Since the scandal broke, Jenna has vehemently denied that she did anything wrong. Here’s to hoping, but it doesn’t look good.

Annaliese and Kamil: Pay Attention to Red Flags

Woof.

What I mean by that is, I’ve simply never been on board with this Bachelor in Paradise couple. Annaliese always seemed way more into the relationship than Kamil.

The juxtaposition of Annaliese and Kamil discussing each other with other contestants is so cringe-worthy. Annaliese, sweetie, I love you, but you displayed many symptoms of a stage-five clinger while Kamil was basically treating you like a friend with benefits the whole time.

Annaliese: I’m SOOOOO excited for the fantasy suite, and to be your girlfriend, and to give birth to eight of your babies in a box under the staircase. Basically, I just wanna follow your seed wherever it goes.

Kamil:

Cut to their fantasy suite date and the first thing you see is a giant Polish sausage. I reached my sausage quota long ago when Colton presented Tia with a pyramid of hot dogs (because nothing says “I’m serious about you and not simply here because you bullied me into being your boyfriend” like a big pile of weiners). But whatever.

After much probing, Kamil tells Annaleise he can see himself with her, and he says this with the sincerity of someone reading a stack of cue cards while being held at gunpoint.

The morning after, Annaleise is in ecstasy and Kamil looks ready to call an Uber. He makes a hasty exit from the hotel room so he won’t be late for his “activities.”

Wut…

Kamil later tells Annaliese he wants a future with her and that he loves her and proceeds to not propose.

Cut to the reunion show and, predictably, Kamil breaks up with Annaliese…on national televsion…in front of a studio audience.

This is beyond the douchiest thing that has come out of this season. But then again, this is also the same guy who totally negged Becca Kufrin by asking her to give 60%. Want to see how much of a jerk Kamil was to Annaliese during the finale? I’ll just leave this here…

Kendall and Joe: Never Take Grocery Store Joe for Granted

Kendall having major commitment issues over a gem like Joe during the first part of the Bachelor in Paradise finale made me want to chuck my laptop across my living room (FYI, I watch this show on my laptop). Then I remembered that I work as a freelance writer and that breaking my laptop wouldn’t be conducive to me paying my bills, so I practiced some self-control.

Kendall basically went back and forth about her feelings for Joe the entire season, said she didn’t know if she was in love with him and then said she wasn’t sure how Joe feels about her.

Joe (after putting up with Kendall’s crap for so long): I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t really wanna be with me.

Although I consider Joe to be pretty much infallible, I do think he could have benefited from being more open to accepting dates from other people. Kendall sure kept herself open.

Although I know that’s clearly not his nature, sometimes when you put all your eggs in one basket, the sting of rejection is so much worse. Even if he didn’t feel a connection with anyone else, it might have woken Kendall up and also given him so clarity on her behavior.

Another lesson is allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Let someone know if you have feelings for them, even if it means getting rejected.

Cut to the finale and it is revealed that Kendall (along with a camera crew, because OF COURSE, one came along) came to her senses and went to Chicago to win Joe back after breaking up with him in paradise. They are officially a couple now, which means Joe is off the market and I’m PISSED, but whatever. I’m happy for them, love is real, blah, blah, blah.

In other news, Grocery Store Joe will be on Dancing with the Stars and my breath is bated as I wait to watch this angel sent from heaven grace the stage.

Olivia and John: Don’t Bank on a Kissing Bandit as a BF

Honestly, totally see Diggy with Olivia more than John. Plus he brought the guy with the trumpet from their date. Good move.

But OH SNAP, John made her a sunflower field.

I honestly am extremely surprised at how much action Venmo John enjoyed during his time on Bachelor in Paradise. It just goes to show you, fellas, if you have confidence, humor and helped invent Venmo, anything is possible.

During the finale, Olivia goes on about how John is not her typical type and is such a pleasant surprise because he’s helped her “broaden her horizons.” Apparently, John’s horizons had been broadened plenty enough after making out with what had to be more than half of the female contestants on this season.

Cut to the reunion show and OH SNAP things did not go well. Apparently, John told Olivia he just wanted to be friends because he’s “never been in a long distance relationship before.” Then Olivia reveals John was busy FaceTiming Chelsea (WHAT?!) before ending things with her.

The camera pans to Chelsea (whose facial expression can be best summed up by this emoji) and we are given NO EXPLANATION past that. WTF?

Astrid and Kevin: Heal Yourself Before Dating Someone New

“What a perfect couple,” is what I was thinking before all hell broke loose and Kevin broke things off with Astrid.

Kevin told Astrid he was having a mental breakdown when he heard about fantasy suites and, being the true Canadian he is, it is honestly the most polite breakdown I’ve ever seen. No wonder Astrid was able to keep her sh** together through a majority of it. That or she was drunk. I’d be day drinking too, honestly.

Kevin says he doesn’t know if he sees forever with Astrid and honestly that is one of the sanest things anyone could say after dating someone for less than two months — a majority of said time being drenched in tequila.

So they break up and Astrid is still able to remain relatively monotone despite being heartbroken while Kevin says sorry a bunch of times. A true Canadian breakup, indeed.

Cut to the reunion show and the two are apparently back together. YAY! Kevin talked about how he had a lot of intimacy issues and anxiety after having his heart broken. Honestly, I get it. He was already on The Bachelor, got his heart broken, and then got his heart broken again with Ashley I. PLUS, he had to watch Ashley I. get engaged on Bachelor in Paradise.

So yeah…

Krystal and Chris: Villains Turned #RelationshipGoals

I never thought that these two would become the most legit couple to come out of this season, but here we are.

Honestly, I love these two together. They are a perfect match and seem to bring the best out of one another, i.e., I don’t dislike either of them and they were two of the most unlikable contestants on their respective seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. 

I love the scenes between these two, save for one during the fantasy suites. When Krystal and Chris move things to the bedroom, Krystal is clearly getting ready to act out some sort of 50 Shades fantasy as she blindfolds Chris and tickles his bare chest with a feather. I’ve never been more excited to see the credits roll on an episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

The two are now happily engaged. WOOT! During the reunion special, they also emerged as the most adorable (again…WHAT?!). Chris let his vulnerability show big time as he couldn’t hold back tears when he and Krystal took the stage and then I was crying?? Is this real life?

In other news, Chris and Krystal’s moms are BFFs now and all is right with the world. Ch-ch-check it out:

And that’s all I got! Time to scour the internet for trending news outside of Bachelor Nation until January, when Colton claims his Bachelor throne.

Images: Giphy (3)