If you’re a man, listen up. And if you’re not a man — feel free to lend an ear as well. Grocery Store Joe from Bachelor in Paradise is the man all men should strive to be and the type of guy us ladies can only hope to end up with. Like a locally grown, organic cantaloupe, Grocery Store Joe is of the highest quality.
I have been studying this man (i.e., stalking his social media and trying to elbow my way into his DMs) since his iconic, albeit short-lived, appearance on Season 14 of The Bachelorette. Now that he is on Bachelor in Paradise, I am officially obsessed. I normally watch this beautiful trainwreck to watch a bunch of Bachelor Nation rejects get plied on tequila and make complete asses of themselves. (Escapism FTW, amirite?)
However, Grocery Store Joe’s appearance on this brilliant ABC-produced dumpster fire has not only given me a new reason to love the franchise — he’s basically restored my faith in humanity.
If I sound like I’m being dramatic, did you know that I do theatre outside of writing? I’m a pretty dramatic person.
BUT ALSO, this adorably awkward, produce-loving adonis just happens to be that awesome of a dude. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at 11 reasons Grocery Store Joe is a male icon.
Reason #1: He Owns His Flaws
Quite honestly, this dude is pretty flawless, but we all suffer missteps in this crazy thing called life. My sweet Joe is not afraid to own his. Grocery Store Joe got eliminated his first night on Bachelorette and admitted he was overcome with nerves, which prevented him from connecting with Becca Kufrin (her loss!).
He took the rejection in stride and it ended up working out for him. Twitter blew up following Joe the Grocer’s elimination, hence the fact that he was an instant pick for Bachelor in Paradise and could even be in the running for the next season of The Bachelor.
This just goes to show you that it’s important to put yourself out there and that rejection can actually be a good thing.
Reason #2: He is ADORKable
If you think that every girl is looking for an agro fraternity guy or a quarterback (Hi, Colton), think again. Grocery Store Joe is adorably awkward and nerdy, which is one of the first things that attracted castmate, Kendall I-Love-Stuffing-Animals-and-Mounting-Them-to-My-Wall Long to him.
Speaking of Kendall…
Reason #3: He Knows How to Maintain His Composure
I’m all for creative date ideas, as long as they don’t include things like — oh, I don’t know — DEAD PEOPLE.
Approximately three seconds into Joe’s conversation with Kendall, she started to wax poetic about how the most romantic dates involve picnics in a cemetery. As in, eating sandwiches and sipping wine coolers atop a bunch of dead bodies.
Grocery Store Joe: I don’t really do picnics.
Kendall went on to ask Joe if he’s ever seen a dead body and if he’s freaked out by dead people. Despite this being a BANANAS question, Grocery Store Joe remained as cool and crisp as the cucumbers I imagine take up residency in the produce section of his store.
Reason #4: His Eye Contact is on Point
Eye contact is extremely important if you want to build a connection with someone. Grocery Store Joe showcases his baby blues (baby greens? He said that the color “fluctuates…”) with dexterity.
Reason #5: He’s Got Some of the Whitest Teeth I’ve Ever Seen
Take note of this the next time you pass the Crest Whitestrips, fellas. Us ladies NOTICE these things.
Reason #6: He’s Got Jokes
In the first episode of this season’s Bachelor in Paradise, Grocery Store Joe attempted to approach Tia and the only reason she didn’t choose to go on a date with him was clearly that she is two croutons short of a crazy salad.
He playfully teased her by saying, “You’ve got a funny accent, I like it.” He then proceeded to imitate her accent and then shows off some A-list self-deprecation by poking fun at what a bad job he did. Could this guy BE any more adorable?
Reason #7: He’s Got Moves
When Grocery Store Joe first kissed Kendall, he displayed some killer moves by making some jokes, breaking the touch barrier and the saying THIS:
Kendall: What’s your favorite thing about being here?
Joe: It’s probably you.
Reason #8: He Can Handle Being Hurt
OK, so if you’ve been watching this season, you know that Kendall accepted a date with Leo after she and Joe had basically established themselves as a couple. Being the genuine piece of husband material that he is, Joe was very transparent about his strong feelings for Kendall and that he wanted to pursue a serious relationship with her in paradise and BEYOND.
Well, Leo asked Kendall on a date and she accepted because GOD ONLY KNOWS WHY. Despite being clearly hurt by this, Grocery Joe handled the situation well. He didn’t blow up or get possessive. However, he did have the best response ever once Kendall explained she wanted to explore things on a date with Leo since it was “still early on in the process” that is Bachelor in Paradise.
Grocery Store Joe: I hope it goes bad. Hopefully, it rains and I hope it’s a terrible time.
Reason #9: He Recognizes Red Flags
Despite admitting that he was falling in love with Kendall, Grocery Store Joe showed that he doesn’t allow infatuation to blind him when it comes to red flags.
He acknowledged that there was a chance his feelings wouldn’t be reciprocated and that it was strange (VERY STRANGE) for Kendall to go on a date with someone else after the two had become pretty much the hottest item on that island.
Self-awareness is key when you’re out in the dating world and, despite being an optimist, Joe doesn’t suffer from any sort of naivety.
Also, I was about ready to cancel my Hulu account and chuck my laptop out the window when I saw POOR JOE hurt over Kendall’s admission that she made out with Leo. Grocery Store Joe turned to a glass of what I’m guessing was chardonnay, and I totally know that feel, bro.
Remember, folks, other than Joe, we are dealing with people who have worse judgment than my old hairdresser who told me going platinum blonde would be a GOOD CHOICE for me.
(Spoiler alert: It was a VERY BAD choice and I had to wear my hair in a bun for almost a year.)
What I’m trying to say is that Grocery Store Joe may have dodged a bullet, given that the woman he was falling in love with has pastimes that include mounting animal heads to her wall and wielding picnic baskets over people’s graves.
Kendall: This date with Leo is making me realize that Joe might not be the right person for me.
This was literally me when she said that:
By the way, right after Kendall tearfully confesses she thinks there is more potential for a long-term relationship with Leo, Leo talks about how there’s “fun to be had” outside of making out with Kendall and proceeds to mack on any breathing female that crosses his path.
I rest my case.
Reason #10: He’s Basically BFF with Jordan Kimball
Need I say more?
Reason #11: He Handles Fame with Ease
This guy went from an average Joe who happens to own a grocery store to the LEGEND that is Grocery Store Joe practically overnight. Despite his instant fame, he’s been handling it with the classic ease and laidback nature that made us all fall in love with him in the first place. Just look at him on The Ellen Degeneres Show!
There you have it. Grocery Store Joe is the type of man all men should aspire to be. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Hopefully, Hurricane Leo/Fabio won’t blow Joe out of the water and cause Kendall to send Joe packing. But if that does happen, I’d just like to let Grocery Store Joe that I am, in fact, available.
I’ll just be over here, waiting alongside a gaggle of other Bachelor fans who now dream nightly of taking that fairytale walk down the aisle — the produce aisle, that is.
Images: Giphy (5)