Have you ever asked a woman out like this?Now, you might think you’re asking for a date, but that doesn’t mean she’ll see it that way. Personally, if a guy asked me to “get drinks,” I’d consider it a date, but would definitely question what his full intentions were. After all, why wasn’t he confident enough to throw the word “date” in there? For that reason, I might be a bit guarded at first.

Other women might be even more harsh. Vaguely asking if she wants to “get drinks” (without any plan) often isn’t enough to get her attention at all, much less make her feel valued. If that’s the case, she might blow you off, thinking you’re not serious.

So is getting drinks a date or not? The answer is, only if you’re clear about your intentions. Here’s how to do it.

“Is Getting Drinks a Date?” Only with a TDL

I can’t stress this enough. When you’re asking a woman out for drinks, be 100% clear about what you want. If you don’t, there’s a bigger chance that things will fall apart really quickly. The best way to do this is to give her a TDL (that’s Time, Date, and Location). Sounds simple? It is. And you’d be surprised at how many guys don’t do it.

Why give a TDL? Because it eliminates all the excruciating, back-and-forth game that usually happens when you’re not specific. People can go for days (even weeks!) exchanging casual texts or chatting, only to say, “Yeah, we should totally get drinks!” — and then it never happens.

Please. Let her know exactly when, where, and what time you want to meet her for drinks when you ask. I’ll give you an example.

YOU: It’s been really cool chatting with you tonight. Would you be up for a date? I’d love to take you out for a drink.

Her: Absolutely!

YOU: Great. There’s an awesome dive bar called Tony’s that’s probably the same distance from both of us. Good craft beer. Oh, and a vintage board game collection if you’re up for a challenging round of Parcheesi. 😉 Want to meet there Saturday at 1pm?

That’s all it takes. First, note the usage of the word “date.” When you meet someone in person, there’s a chance your date request will be seen as a friendship or networking thing. So be sure to plug the word “date” in there, so there’s no question. Then, suggest a location. If it’s a first date like this one, the place should be easy for her to get to (you could offer to pick her up as well). It should also have something interesting about it, so that it piques her interest enough to say yes. Finally, suggest a specific day and time.

Now, I realize not every date request goes as smoothly as the example above.

If she objects to any part of your date idea, then you can always tweak the details. The main point is that you lead the planning. For example:

YOU: It’s been really cool chatting with you tonight. Would you be up for a date? I’d love to take you out for a drink.

Her: Absolutely!

YOU: Great. There’s an awesome dive bar called Tony’s that’s probably the same distance from both of us. Good craft beer. Oh, and a vintage board game collection if you’re up for a challenging round of Parcheesi. 😉 Want to meet there Saturday at 1pm?

Her: You know what, I totally would, but I’m not drinking for the next 10 days since I’m on a cleanse.

YOU: No worries, we can just get a tea or coffee, do you drink either of those?

Her: Both, but especially love almond milk lattes.

YOU: Cool, how about we go to Paradise Coffee in Hermosa instead? It’s right there on the pier, super casual and fun. And I’ve heard their lattes are killer. 

Her: Sounds like a plan!

In this example, since part of your TDL didn’t work for her, you simply give her a set of options for her to choose from, and then come up with a new idea based on her answers. 

Still, many men won’t approach women with clear intentions. They’ll just ask a woman to go for drinks and let her lead it from there. And then they’ll Google, “Is getting drinks a date?” The thing is, without a TDL, she could up thinking you’re going out as friends — meaning, you would have spent time and money on someone who’s not on the same page as you.

How to Recover If You Didn’t Give Her a Strong TDL

If you’ve asked a woman to “get drinks” without using a TDL, she may not be 100% aware that it’s a full-on date or that you’re interested in her at all. And if she is unclear, she’ll probably give you a few signs.

For example, if the date hasn’t happened yet, she might not directly say “yes” to drinks, but instead say something like, “Probably, but I’ll let you know.” After all, if your request isn’t specific, there’s no reason for her to be specific. Similarly, if you make your request (without a TDL) and she quickly changes the subject, then she’s not taking it seriously. So if there’s still time, give her that TDL!

On the other hand, you might have managed to go out for drinks anyway. Maybe you eventually gave her a TDL, but it took you a really long time. Since there was a lack of urgency, she may still not realize it’s a date. Some signs of this that you might notice on the date are: She says she has to cut it short, she doesn’t bother to dress well, she insists on putting the bar tab on her card … or even shows up with one of her friends.

Now obviously, if she showed up with her BFF, that’s bad news. But assuming it’s just the two of you on the date, see if you can use a line like this to assure her that you want to be more than friends:

“I’m glad you accepted this date with me. I’m looking forward to getting to know you better.”

Then, pay attention to how she reacts. If she leans toward you or starts to touch you, you’ve likely relieved her questionable anxiety about the event you’ve set up.

Times When She Might NOT Think It’s a Date

Sometimes, your request for drinks might be misinterpreted even when you do give a TDL. Here are some more tips to consider when asking certain women out, such as:

When It’s Your Coworker

If you ask your coworker to have a drink with you, she might just assume you want to blow off some steam and talk about work drama. There are a couple of ways to get around this one. First, don’t suggest the same happy hour spot that you usually go to with your other coworkers. Also, schedule it for a couple hours after work — implying that you both need time to get ready. That will give it a different feel.

When It’s Someone You Already Know Well

If you’ve already known her for a while and haven’t asked her out yet, she’s probably not expecting it, so she might consider it just a friendly thing when you do. To bring things up a notch when you’re out together, try showing her a side of you that she might not already know. Be vulnerable with her by sharing something personal. You might also break the touch barrier — a light touch on the arm, knee, etc. — to change the vibe.

4 Fail-proof Ways to Guarantee It WON’T Be a Date

Now that we understand the importance of a TDL, let’s talk about some of the ways that a guy might miss the mark. If you make any of these statements instead of a TDL, it’ll definitely lower your chances of it being a real date.

1. “We should hang out sometime.”

This is the classic line that every woman’s gotten thousands of times in her life. And it says absolutely nothing. “Sometime” could be anytime. Or it could be never.

A lot of guys will say “sometime” instead of a specific time and place, hoping that the woman will then push it forward. But it usually backfires, because she usually won’t want to put herself in the position of saying something like, “Oh, yeah? Well, I’m not doing anything this weekend …” It feels desperate. Plus, we’d rather you confirm that you’re interested by just asking directly.

Also, the words “hang out” aren’t specific enough either. In fact, it’s so vague that some women might think you’re just breadcrumbing, or stringing them along. If you want a date, use real date language.

2. “I’m going to grab a drink, wanna join?”

Let’s say you’re already on your way to a bar after work. You might think it’s cool to ask that woman you’ve been chatting with to join you at the last minute. It’ll seem super casual, and way less pressure, right?

Eh, not really. What you’ve done is taken the whole “date” feeling out of the equation and reduced it to an afterthought. Asking her to meet you at a specific time, date, and location (in the future!) shows that you’ve thought about her enough to plan something. But asking her to meet up with you right now makes it sound like a friendly get-together or a straight hookup — not a date.

3. “We’ll hammer out the details as we get closer to the weekend.”

Ugh. The worst. Statements like this are the beginning of the never-ending back-and-forth I mentioned before. Making it seem like you’re too busy to set definite plans with her doesn’t make you seem desirable. Again, putting off the TDL will just make her feel strung along, and she won’t take your request seriously.

And if you do actually try to “hammer it out” right before the weekend, guess what? She’ll be busy. (Also, just because you’ve never said this one doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. Things like, “I’ll keep you posted,” “I’ll text you later,” or “Let’s shoot for next week” are all the same thing.)

4. “Can I put you in my phone?”

This move might make you look good, especially if you’re out in a group, but it doesn’t get you any closer to a date. For that, you’d have to actually ask.

What If She Rejects Your Drink Date Idea?

The biggest reason for not wanting to give a TDL is rejection. But while rejection sucks, the best way to deal with it is to start MegaDating.

MegaDating is the practice of dating as many people as you can at once, so you can build confidence, figure out what you really want in a partner, and get comfortable enough with the dating process so when you do find the one who really knocks your socks off, you’ll be able to charm her like no one else can.

One helpful side effect of MegaDating is that it helps you put rejection in perspective. Here’s what you’ll eventually realize when you’re rejected after MegaDating for a while:

• You’re building momentum with every “no.” When you’re MegaDating, you’re constantly putting yourself out there, asking for dates. A ton of women will say no, but then you’ll realize it doesn’t break you. In fact, it just adds to your momentum.
• She’s not the only woman in the world. What’s the worst thing that could happen? She says she isn’t currently dating or doesn’t want a boyfriend right now? If you’re MegaDating, then you won’t be worried so much about this one woman.
• Every rejection brings you closer to the woman who’s right for you. Enough said.

Is Getting Drinks a Date?: Wrap-Up

So if you’ve been asking yourself, “Is getting drinks a date?” you now have your answer: Only if you use a TDL! Getting drinks, especially as a first date, isn’t a bad idea at all — in fact, a recent Hinge study showed that most singles prefer to get drinks on a first date over coffee, lunch, or dinner. You just have to make sure she takes you seriously. There’s no reason to mess up a great opportunity with someone simply because you didn’t plan it well enough.

In fact, if you need more ideas and strategies for asking women out on dates (in a way that gets real results), then book a 1-on-1 New Client Skype Session with me. There are many ways to approach women that we can customize to your personality and situation, which we can talk about on our call.