At the end of every rom-com, the nice guy always gets the girl.
He dotes on her, shows his true nerdy personality, can’t dance worth a damn, is always the underdog, and despite being bullied by the evil jock, the nice guy inevitably gets his girl.
But the universe doesn’t run on a Hollywood budget, throwing all its resources at making your dreams come true.
He’s also a nice guy — well, at least he was.
During his marriage, he did everything that he thought the perfect husband should do.
He tried to solve his wife’s problems, constantly put his partner’s needs before his own, pushed, pushed, pushed, and still it wasn’t enough.
His wife wasn’t happy and neither was he.
In reality, he was avoiding conflict, refusing to communicate and set boundaries, being dishonest, and had low self-esteem.
So he decided to make a change.
He investigated his Mr. Nice Guy personality and why it was detrimental to his wellbeing and the wellbeing of his marriage.
A book that one of our Dating Decoded enrollees had read.
After singing its praises, we decided upon the only reasonable course of action.
I read his book in one sitting, wanted to learn more, pestered him into divulging more of his secrets, and interviewed him.
These are the biggest takeaways from our interview on how to stop being a nice guy.
A nice guy doesn’t think he’s fine the way he is.
He’s a social chameleon that changes his personality to fit in, rather than show his true colors.
He may do this because he’s not confident with who he is or because he doesn’t know who he is.
But then refuses to ever show women who he really is.
“Women are naturally attracted to a man who looks like he knows where he’s going and is having a good time getting there”
Write this quote in your journal, put it on a shirt, and tattoo it on your arm.
Women want men that live intentionally and enjoy the journey.
Men that are uncertain of what they want socially and professionally, live as products rather than taking the reigns of their own life, and genuinely don’t enjoy their day-to-day lives aren’t the kind of men women want to be with.
Is this the type of woman you want to be with?
So How Do You Ditch Mr. Nice Guy Without Being A Jerk?
Many men have come to Doctor Glover with this question.
They think that women don’t want the nice, doting guy, they want the asshole that puts his needs first and demands that she make him a sandwich.
Umm, yeah, no.
There isn’t some magically binary here that divides people into one of two categories. Just because you’re not the nice guy doesn’t mean you’re the jock that bullies nice guys.
The nice guy and the asshole are at two ends of the spectrum.
You want to find a happy middle ground.
What does that middle ground look like?
Well, it’s difficult to articulate.
It involves being yourself, revealing the real you, ditching the anxiety, and embodying the energy you want to project.
Easy to say, but how do you do it?
How To Become More Authentic & Address Anxiety
Chances are you’re a people-pleasing nice guy because you grew up in an environment where you were never enough.
Your parents always demanded more and you did what you had to do to please those around you.
You’ve been Mr. Nice Guy your entire life.
Glover says that simply reading his 200-page book isn’t enough to rewire your habits.
To change these internalized habits you’re going to have to make some pretty big changes.
You can start this rewiring journey by surrounding yourself with people you can be yourself with.
Spend time with friends, family members, and people you feel at home with.
Acknowledge that you’re in a safe space and can be yourself. If you can’t do this with friends and family, make new friends or join certain social groups that enjoy who you really are and allow you to open up.
Practice being you.
Slowly you’ll start to notice changes in your behavior. Instead of being the diffident, forgettable guy, you’ll be the unique guy that knows exactly who he is and isn’t ashamed to be himself.
In other words, you’ll be the guy that she wants to spend time with.
Soon enough you’ll notice that you aren’t changing behavior to appease those around you — regardless of the context.
You’ll live life as your authentic life among friends, strangers, and women.
How To Get Over Rejection
The reason nice guys shape-shift is to avoid rejection.
To nice guys, rejection is to be avoided at all costs — even if you’re paying with your wellbeing.
The thing is, rejection is only as bad as you choose it to be.
To begin, stop using the word rejection.
When you think of interactions in such black and white terms, acceptance-rejection, win-loss, etc. you’re failing to look at the bigger picture.
If the outcome of an interaction is nothing more than a rejection, you haven’t gained anything from the exchange.
Thing is, you have.
You’re addressing your fears, taking a chance on love, pushing your boundaries, learning about another individual, bonding with someone, refining your social skills, and like a billion other things.
There are positives to every experience, yes even rejection.
Framing it differently not only makes rejection more palatable but it raises the likelihood that you’ll talk to that woman at the bar, ask for her number, and ultimately go on a date.
Homework:
There are three actionable steps you can take to get over rejection according to the sage Doctor Robert.
1) Stop Watching Porn
Porn gives you insane expectations. It makes you believe that the only women worth dating are attractive to the point of being made-up. Because that’s what porn is, make-believe sex scenes involving fantastically beautiful women that don’t live in your neighborhood, go to your gym, or swipe on Tinder. It places far too much emphasis on superficial beauty. Putting an end to porn habits will lower your physical requisites, make you more open, and won’t make it hurt as much when that beautiful (yet kinda shallow) red-head shows you the hand.
2) Become A Social Animal
Say hi to your neighbor.
Joke with the barista.
Comment on that guy’s shirt.
Interact with an array of individuals. Doing so opens you up to new personalities, mitigates social anxiety, and makes rejection easier. Because there will always be people — women and men — that won’t give you the time of day.
The best way to mitigate the pain of rejection is to get rejected in a safe environment.
What Are Some Signs She’s Into You?
Nice guys are notoriously bad at reading the signs.
The little voice in their ear always convinces him that the woman across the room isn’t making eye contact with him.
Don’t listen to that voice, he doesn’t have a Ph.D. like Doctor Glover.
I don’t care how little confidence you have, there are interested parties making their interest in you known.
You just need to start seeing her advances as just that, advances.
Don’t get caught up reading between the lines.
If she’s twirling her hair and points her feet at you it’s not because she wants to get in your pants.
Instead, focus on the more clear cut signals, such as:
- Sustained eye contact
- Smiles on smiles
- Standing just a little too close
- Laughing at all of your dumb jokes
- Initiating physical contact
- Trying to include you in future plans
These are all little doors that she’s opening.
Be willing to walk through these doors and see what’s on the other side.
If you’re illiterate at reading the signs she’s attracted to you, ask a female friend to join you the next time you plan on getting your flirt on.
Ask her to look for signs and let you know during or after when a woman has signaled her interest. Having a wingwoman point them out will help you identify them later on.
Engaging A Woman After She Indicates Interest
Let’s set the scene.
You’re at a party and every time you walk to the kitchen a woman locks eyes with you. Invariably she looks up from her conversation and stares into your soul.
It’s either because you’re the only non-costumed guy to show up to a costume party OR she’s into you.
So what do you do?
Obviously, you start begging her right?
No.
A resounding (burn The Game) NO.
So…
If you’re looking for the perfect pickup line, the one that is guaranteed to work, you’ll never find it, and you’ll never talk to her.
During our call, Doctor Glover told the story about the time he recently went to a club with his son.
Being the social person he is, he asked a woman next to him, “what’s the worst pick-up line you heard tonight?”
Her answer — that one.
But Glover didn’t run away.
He followed up with; what’s the best pickup line you’ve heard?
Answer: hi.
This is because women love authentic guys who are comfortable being themselves.
Stop being the jester and trying to entertain her.
Follow up hi with, “are there any good places to eat ‘x’ food around here?”
The conversation will flow more naturally the more questions you ask her.
End with asking her number and telling her you already have a date idea in mind.
Get her number, text her so she has yours, and text or call the day after with an awesome TDL.
After you have her number, excuse yourself and let the anticipation and mystery do the work for you.
How To Weed Out The Wrong Ones
If you listen to Doctor Glover you’ll wind up going on quite a few dates.
But not all dates are created equal.
Sometimes you’ll date and continue to date neurotic, incompatible women.
You do this because either your confidence is low and you take what you think you can get OR because you really can’t see the signs that she’s not right for you.
In either case, you’ll need to call in a second (or third) pair of eyes.
After a few dates, it’s time to assemble your relationship committee.
The committee should be comprised of a couple of men and women near and dear to you. These friends will help determine if she’s the right one for you. They can do so because 1) they know you and 2) their judgment won’t be impaired by the cocktail of neurotransmitters flying around your head.
How To Stop Being A Nice Guy… Right Now
If this article wasn’t able to help you change your ways here are a few resources you can turn to, to do so.
For one, scroll back up and watch the recorded interview with Doctor Glover.
Secondly, read his book No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Thirdly, take the big step and talk to us about Dating Decoded — our best in class dating coaching program that has helped hundreds of men find the relationship of their dreams in sometimes less than 90 days.
We’ll equip you with the skills you need to properly MegaDate, build a badass dating profile that gets tons of matches, master the art of messaging, plan out epic date ideas that get women coming back for more, and ultimately cut down on the time it takes to find your forever lady.
Let’s discuss your romantic goals and how we can help you achieve them via a 1-on-1 Zoom call.
Comments are closed for this article!