Maybe you’ve asked yourself in the past, “Am I being too nice to her?” Often it’s hard to tell. But it’s worth asking because being too nice can get you into trouble in dating and relationships — especially since men are twice as likely to be broken up with than women are.

First, let me back up and say this: Of course, we all should be nice to the people we date. But there are different reasons for doing so. You might pick a woman up from the airport or fix her broken water faucet just to help out. Or, you might do it because you have an agenda.

What kind of agenda am I talking about? The kind that uses “being nice” to manipulate other people into liking you. Sometimes we’re nice only because we want something in return.

So if you want to know the answer to the question, “Am I being too nice to her?” first look at your motivations. We’re often “too nice” when we’re expecting a payoff from the other person.

Not only that, but giving too much of yourself (your time, your money, your efforts, your attention) can make a woman perceive you as low value. This can lead to her ending the relationship or just not being attracted to you anymore.

Whatever your reason is for being nice, I’m glad you’re questioning it, because many men give too much of themselves in dating and relationships. Today, we’ll take a closer look at whether you might be “too nice” and what to do about it.

“Am I Being Too Nice to Her?” Here’s How to Know

Like I mentioned earlier, being nice to the person you’re dating can be totally healthy. But when you’re too nice, you could be acting out of low self-esteem. This could sabotage everything. Here are some of the signs that you’re being too nice to her.

You Cancel Your Plans for Her

Have you ever straight-up canceled your plans with friends or put off your hobbies to hang out with a woman just because that’s the only time she says she’s available?

I get it. We’re all adults and have schedules. You can’t expect someone to be ready and waiting for you 24/7. We have to be flexible. But still …

If you change your plans all the time — like if it’s a pattern — then maybe you’re being too nice to her. First of all, it gives her the message that your time is less important than hers. This is unattractive to women because it subconsciously tells her that she’s more important than you. Instead, you want to give the impression that she’s lucky to have you. She won’t get that message if you treat your own schedule like it’s meaningless.

Plus, how you live your life demonstrates who you are — whether it’s an athlete, an amazing writer, a smart entrepreneur, etc. Hopefully, she’s attracted to that. But she won’t be attracted for very long if you stop doing those things. You’ll eventually lose your identity in her eyes.

Remember, a woman likes a man who has clear passions and interests and who pursues them at all costs. Giving up on your own interests and plans might help you avoid conflict in the short-term. But it’ll cause major problems later when you feel like you’ve lost yourself — and she accuses you of having no spine.

Finally — and this is the worst — changing your whole life to make yourself available to her also makes you seem overeager and desperate. Are you? Do you feel like you need to be overly agreeable in order to keep her around?

It’s a common mistake, but a mistake nonetheless. When you’re too agreeable, it eventually comes across as weakness. That’s just one more reason to keep your plans whenever you can and not let your dating life take over who you are.

Of course, I’m not saying you shouldn’t make room for her in your life, though. You absolutely should. You just need to create balance. Both of you need to make sure to preserve your own identities as well as the relationship.

She Hits Your Wallet Hard

Do you find yourself spending more money on her than you expected to? Stop. That also means you’re being too nice.

Maybe you’ve loaned her money to help pay her bills. Perhaps she needed some help buying groceries once and then it became a thing. You might have even paid her rent, helped her pay for a car repair, or cosigned on an apartment.

You might think you’re being nice out of the goodness of your heart, but you need to understand one thing. This isn’t generosity — it’s buying someone. Instead of winning her over in a legitimate way, you’re trying to impress her with money, make her obligated to you, or both.

Again, this is about low self-esteem (yours). Turning a relationship or dating scenario into a transaction, where you “give” in order to “get,” won’t fool anyone for long. Ask yourself this question: Do you really want to connect with her, or are you satisfied by just making her smile with some cash?

Hold back on spending too much money until you’re in a committed dating relationship. That way, when you do give, it will be to someone who has proven they care about you.

You’re Constantly Helping Her

Some guys think they’re not being too nice because they never give women money. But doing her favors constantly also gets into weird territory.

Do you drive her around when you really don’t want to? Did you begrudgingly help her move? Maybe she needed help finding a job and you graciously stepped in… and ended up doing all the work for her. Basically, putting yourself out to help her over and over again isn’t good.

If you don’t want to do these things but are doing them anyway, ask yourself why.

Because if you really liked helping, you’d also be helping others, not just your girlfriend.

A lot of guys also think helping women is good dating behavior. And I admit, it’s tricky. Helping a woman do things sometimes can be chivalrous (and chivalry’s certainly not dead!). But if you’re helping her out all the time, you could be acting out of a desire to control things.

The problem is, controlling things doesn’t make you the “alpha” guy that all the articles say you should be. Simply put, alpha males are confident. They don’t need to passively try to control anything (like by helping women out to get in their good graces or steer them in a certain direction). Why? Because they naturally lead with their own ideas. They don’t wait for a woman to have a problem before they demonstrate their intelligence, creativity, and value.

Your Rules Keep Changing

If you’re still wondering “am I being too nice to her?” take a look at your personal rules. These are the boundaries you need people you date to respect.

For example, you might never feel comfortable having a dog in your bed, so why do you let the woman you’re dating let her dog chill out right in between you while you’re trying to get some ZZZs? Or, maybe you have feelings about having alcohol in the house, especially if you’re recovering… so perhaps letting her bring over a bottle of wine, even if she’s the only one drinking, isn’t the best idea.

Some guys bend over even further and compromise when it comes to their kids. They might not want their kids to meet anyone they date until it’s been a year or more, but when the new girlfriend takes offense to that, they suddenly change their mind.

Sticking to your rules — also known as holding your boundaries — is the best thing you can do to project confidence in a relationship. And that will keep her interested in you. So don’t change your rules unless you really feel it’s okay. You know you’re being too nice to her when you aren’t nice to yourself.

If You’re Being Too Nice to Her, Do This

Sometimes it’s hard to admit that you’re about to give too much (of your time, money, boundaries). That’s why I recommend you make an “Acceptable vs. Unacceptable” chart.

This is where you preemptively make a list of things that are acceptable and unacceptable to give a woman you’re dating. You can use past relationships/historical data to create this.

Just grab a sheet of paper and draw a line straight down the middle. Label the left-hand column “Acceptable” and the right-hand column “Unacceptable.” Now add your own preferences to the sheet.

Here are a few to get you started. It’s unacceptable (IMO) to…

… loan money to a woman (for any reason) who isn’t living with you
… pay a woman’s rent who isn’t living with you
… cosign on a woman’s lease if she isn’t living with you
… give a car to a woman who doesn’t live with you
… buy a woman dinner on the first or second date
… regularly spend over $200 on dinners on women you’ve been dating a while

You might also make a column in the middle called “The Danger Zone.” These are things that could be acceptable or unacceptable depending on how long you’ve known her, how serious things are, how mature she is, etc.

For instance, I think you’re in the Danger Zone if …

… she doesn’t offer to pay or split the bill at dinner. (Hint: Don’t let her pay in the courting phase. But if she doesn’t offer at all, it’s a red flag.)

… you put down thousands of dollars on a nonrefundable Airbnb or vacation when you’ve only been dating a short time and haven’t explicitly discussed whether you’re boyfriend and girlfriend.

Once you finish your chart, carry it with you wherever you go. After all, it can be hard to remember your principles in the face of beauty! So be prepared to review it whenever you feel yourself being too nice to her. It will help give you clarity in situations. It can also keep you from going too far when you get caught up in the excitement of a new dating prospect.

Am I Being Too Nice to Her?: Wrap-Up

I always hear lots of men ask themselves “am I being too nice to her?” because frankly, it’s a huge gray area. Kindness always goes a long way, of course, and when you want to get closer to someone, it’s easy to use your “niceness” as a way in.

But being too nice to someone will usually make you feel “off” after a while. You will feel drained. You may resent not getting whatever it is you need — or worse, secretly hoping for in exchange. It never works out, so it’s smart to look at this issue early.

As a coach and matchmaker, I don’t just try to find quality dating prospects for people. I look for prospects who will really resonate with the person I’m searching for. But if that person isn’t being themselves by acting “too nice,” then it’s a lost cause. The chemistry they could have had with someone, if they were just being authentic, never takes place. And it’s a waste of time and money.

So, kudos to you for asking the question “am I being too nice to her?” Since you’re asking, chances are, the answer is yes. But that doesn’t mean there’s no hope.

I work with men and women every day to help them find love, and have seen what works and what doesn’t. Issues like being too nice come up in my private and group coaching sessions all the time, and we work through them together.

If you’re interested in finding a long-term partner or simply gaining new skills in dating, I encourage you to book an intro call with me or one of my coaches today. We’d be happy to help talk through your dating challenges and recommend the best plan of action for you to supercharge your results, which may include enrollment in of our coaching or matchmaking programs.