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How to Stop Being Desperate with Women – Even When You’re Anxiously Attached

How to Stop Being Desperate with Women – Even When You’re Anxiously Attached

Hey You!

Yeah you, put that phone down right now!

Are you teetering on the brink of crazypants?



Would one more emotional outburst earn you the label of stage-5 clinger?

Believe me, I’ve been there… many times.

It happens to all of us and in this article, you’ll learn a bit about why it happens and ways you can manage your mindset so you don’t go full stage-5 on a babe.

Before texting her yet again only to not receive a response, let’s dig into how to stop being desperate with women.

How to Stop Being Desperate with Women

Recognize When You’re Getting Triggered

I can offer you a dozen quick fixes.

I can suggest that you go on more dates, only text her when you’re using a TDL, or to turn your phone on silent. While these suggestions may work for a few hours or days, they fail to address the root of the problem.

For meaningful change, let’s employ the 7 Levels Deep exercise.

I use the 7 Levels Deep method with myself and my clients when there is a lack of clarity about how they’re feeling about a particular dating issue. Through a series of introspective questions, we’re able to get to the root of the problem and understand how we feel. 

The first question we ask is, “Why am I feeling this way?”

The answer to this question is used to pose a second question. Below you’ll find a real-life example from a coaching session that I was given permission to use in this article. I kept the full version intact to show you exactly how deep and profound the realizations can be that come from this exercise.

I highly recommend it if you’ve been beating yourself up or are feeling as though there’s something wrong with you because you’ve been triggered into feeling and acting desperate towards women.



7 Levels Deep Coaching Example

Level 1:

Why was I disinterested when I knew I could have her but now that I can’t have her, I can’t stop thinking about her?

A: Because I hate not being able to have what I want.

Level 2:

But why do you only want her when you can’t have her?

A: Because I feel as though the reason I can’t have her is because her feelings changed about me.

Level 3:

Why do you think her feelings changed about you?

A: Because I told her we should just be friends and then I got triggered and became desperate when I thought that I’d never be able to see her again.

Level 4:

Why did you get triggered and feel as though you’d never see her again?

A: Because in telling her I just wanted to be friends, I realized that she might not have any reason to keep talking to me. And also because I feel that she brought out a side of myself that I never knew was there and I don’t want that side of me to die.

Level 5:

Why is it important not to let that part of you die?

A: Because I want to know who I am fully and I want to get what I want in life and in love. I want to feel confident. I have no reason to be sad. My life is full of beauty. I want to let go of this need for female validation but at the same time, I feel like there’s something very important about it that I’m supposed to acknowledge. I’ve pushed it all away for so long and I don’t think I’m supposed to push it away anymore.

I feel stifled and like I’m hiding who I am and I know I have to stop that but I’m so afraid of being abandoned. I’m so afraid of what happened to me when I was a kid happening again because I’m no good. I’m afraid that she thinks I’m no good. I know intuitively that’s not true but to be who I really am means making a lot of different choices. I’m just really scared of who I really am because it’s not this cookie-cutter human.

It’s not this person that everyone says I should be. I’m not that person. If I’m supposed to embrace who I am, that’s not who I’ve been. No one actually has seen him before. I know him, but I hide him because he is very radical and different and maybe unacceptable. And I’m scared to be me. I’m scared of what the world will think. I’m sorry. There is so much emotion that comes out in this work and I’m so good at hiding this stuff that no one ever sees me. I don’t let them. But this work is so honest that I can’t hide and now I’m scared. I’m scared everything I’ve built will fall apart if people know who I really am.



Level 6:

Why will everything fall apart if you show up as who you really are?

A: Because being who I really am is bad and I try so hard to be good. People aren’t going to want to be around me if I’m bad.

Level 7:

Why would being yourself ever be bad?

A: Because I was taught to be selfless, that asking for what I want and expecting to get it meant that I was pushing other people away, that I was bad, and selfish, and rude. But I can see in saying that, that perhaps that isn’t true. Perhaps that’s just something I believed when I was a kid. Perhaps I can look for evidence to refute that belief. Because really, I don’t think that’s true at all.

How to Stop Being Desperate with Women: Tell Yourself There Will Be No More Texting Or Reaching Out

Now that reason behind your desperation has been located, it’ll become easier to transition away from desperate behavior.

Lock your phone and make a pact with yourself. Tell yourself that you won’t text her until she reaches out to you.

Look at it as an experiment. See how long it takes them to think of you. If you need to delete their phone number, do so. Just don’t be the person who asks “who’s this” when they text a week later. That’s just mean and demonstrates a lack of emotional intelligence.

Often these days, the phone will already know who is texting or calling with a “maybe ______ (person’s name). So you should be fine. Also, stop sending cutesy/funny text messages to get a response out of them. Let go. You and they both know that you’re only doing that because you’re seeking validation. Find ways to validate yourself instead.

The only time you should be reaching out to her is to ask her out via a TDL.

Try Validating Yourself

Look in the mirror and tell yourself everything you like about yourself.

Physical, mental, emotional, everything.



In fact, doing the 100 reasons why exercise might be good here.

In my 3 Month Signature Coaching Program, I have my clients make a list of 100 Reasons Why they deserve their dream girl. It’s helpful for boosting self-worth and inner confidence. Try this when you want to text them something stupid to get validation.

When in doubt, pick up the phone and either talk with a friend or ask a friend out to get a drink. Realize that validation via text is shallow and that meaningful connection can only be found in-person.

Don’t Remove Them From Your Social Media Channels

This is an amateur move and just shows them how much you’ve lost it.

Accept the fact that you’re hurting without trying to get validation or throw a tantrum.

You catch more bees with honey.

Don’t stalk them, just own the fact that things aren’t going the way you’d like and that’s probably because there are fundamental differences between you. Accept it, don’t cut them out, don’t hit them up, just breathe and wait it out.

Nixing them from your SM circle is certainly one way to deal with the issue. However, this isn’t a long-term solution for your desperation woes.

Fill Up Your Social Calendar Stat!

When you’re worried about being desperate with women, make it a point to go out with friends, visit family, MegaDate other women, enroll in that class you’ve always wanted to try, literally schedule social activities every moment on your calendar that you have free time. Don’t allow your mind to dwell on the illusion of what could be.

Go. Live. Now.

That’s an order. Get your ass out of bed. Stop wallowing. Go live!

Ample meaningful face-to-face interactions will squash your petty need for validation through women.



Don’t Drink Alone

In fact, I’d avoid alcohol altogether if you can’t help yourself from texting/calling when you’ve been drinking. If you can’t handle your alcohol, eliminate it for two weeks until your emotions stabilize. Drunk texting a woman is a sure-fire way to abruptly severe any and all romantic relationships.

Know This: You Are Not The Voices In Your Head

You are not your thoughts, you are not your emotions.

Feeling desperate with women doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. You can change your thoughts and emotions, they are simply a choice. Recognize a thought for what it is, a tiny electrical impulse that you have little control over. Try to release your attachment to the thought. Practice meditation and you will master this skill.

Thoughts arise. They come and go like waves. Emotions operate the same way. If you can keep yourself unattached to your thoughts and emotions by meditating, then you can quickly recover and realize that you are not your thoughts.

Nurture Yourself

Go get a massage, take an epsom salt bath, get a pedicure, take yourself out to dinner, buy yourself a delicious dessert, get yourself a new outfit that you look really fucking good in. Do nice things for yourself to nurture your spirit.

There Is A Blessing In Every Lesson

Spend time on your own in deep introspection.

What is it that you’re learning from this experience? What is it teaching you about yourself? Allow this painful situation to pave a new road to love. Figure out how this experience can improve your new romantic relationship.

Don’t Block Them

This is a classic avoidant attachment move that doesn’t serve anyone.

Be a grown-up. Don’t block them, don’t delete them on social media; just breathe.

You might not have been as desperate as you think. Perhaps it’s all in your head.

Don’t reach out, but also, don’t block them. That’s an immature move.

What if they reach out on a different day and feel rejected? What if you were just in a funk and misread their signals and they do still want to spend time with you? Don’t close the door or burn the bridge out of spite. You might have been dealing with a delusional thought. Pump the brakes, take a chill pill, and relax.

Dependency Is Not A Bad Word

“Getting attached means that our brains become wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring their psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until they do.” This excerpt, taken from the book Attached, helps me to feel better when I get a little clingy.



Another excerpt from the book says, “…attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the ‘dependency paradox.’ The more effectively dependent people are to one another, the more independent and daring they become.”

See, maybe you weren’t so desperate with this woman at all, maybe it just wasn’t a match and she didn’t know how to honor your needs. No harm no foul. Go find the one who will and make peace with the fact that this particular connection may not be as deeply compatible as what you’re truly searching for.

Sometimes the ego just gets bruised and makes us feel as though we should be desperate with someone who isn’t right just so we don’t feel inadequate. You’re enough. Period. End of story. Let this one go, it’s not the one for you. Trust that the universe has your back and love is on its way.

Now What?

The longer you remain emotionally stagnant, the longer you’re thoughts will linger on this woman.

The reason you’re placing all your emotional needs on this woman is because she’s the only one in your life. It’s easy to get hung up on someone when they’re the only person you’ve built a bond with in months or years.

When we correspond via a new client 1-on-1 Zoom session, we’ll work out your desperation issues and create a strategy for success.

If you decide to work with me over a 3 month period, you’ll learn how to date multiple women simultaneously. I’ll teach you how to find single women, how to ask them out, how to woo them, and ultimately how to find a girlfriend. In three short months, I’ll equip you with dating skills that will last you a lifetime. Watch my webinar to learn more.

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