You’ve heard all the numbers and trite advice before.
“50% of marriages end in divorce, it isn’t just you.”
“There are plenty of fish in the sea.”
“You just need time.”
Despite the aforementioned having a grain of truth to them, they can’t seem to take away that foreboding feeling in your stomach every time you think of speaking to a woman or downloading a dating app.
Dating after divorce feels weird for a lot of men and everyone handles it differently.
This is just the reality.
In my many years of coaching divorced men on how to jump back in the dating pool with style, I’ve seen men voice the same fears over and over again. Seeing these same fears surface over and over again has enabled me to both quickly identify them and create solutions tailored to address each of these fears.
Here we’ll dive into the many fears divorced men find themselves confronting on their part to finding love after divorce and how to overcome them.
Finding Love After Divorce (For Men)
There is no rush to jump back into dating.
It’s important to process the previous relationship so that you’re emotionally prepared to invest in another individual. It’s not fair to yourself or your new partner to bring past pain into your nascent relationship.
Give yourself permission to cry, vacation with friends, seek therapy, binge-watch GOT, or do whatever else you feel is necessary to grieve and process what just happened (or what’s currently happening).
Part of finding love after divorce means making sure you’re in the right mental state to do so.
Do whatever you think is necessary to get you there.
The Fear That You Won’t Be Able To Find Love
You might be thinking that harvest season has long passed.
You had your chance to find a compatible woman and chose poorly, now you’re destined to a life of loneliness.
Stop that.
The dating pool is still plenty deep for you to dive in headfirst.
Don’t believe me?
Just take a look at what Pew Research has found.
I want you to take a look at the percentage of women single by age bracket:
- 32% of women ages 18-29
- 19% of women ages 30-49
- 29% of women ages 50-64
It doesn’t matter how old the women you’re looking to date are, these stats prove that there are millions of single women out there that are in the age bracket you’re willing to date.
But wait, what if they don’t want to date a divorced man?
I’m sure this thought has popped up in your mind more than once.
But the truth of the matter is that not only do women love dating divorced men but that there are more divorced women than men in the US.
As you can see from the stat on the far right, there are nearly 4 million more divorced women than men.
If you’re afraid that you’ll only be able to date divorced women (which is an unwarranted fear) then you’ll still have around 14 million single women to choose from.
The number don’t lie.
There is an abundance of single women out there.
You just need to get over your fears and find them.
One of the best ways of doing so involves online dating.
However, that also brings me us to our second fear.
The Fear Of Going Digital
According to a Stanford study from a few years back, 39% of heterosexual couples reported finding their current partner online.
Just about every study out there shows that regardless of age, you’re most likely to meet your partner online.
The online dating game has changed quite a bit since you were last single.
As you can see, in 1995 only 2% of couples met online. Digital dating was seen as taboo, carried stigma, and was reserved for the socially inept.
Those perceptions have no place in today’s dating market.
This claim is bolstered by the fact that so many people your age use dating apps.
38% of those between the ages of 30-49 have used a dating app at some point in their life. 16% of those people have found a partner on one of these apps.
While the prospect of embarking on an online mission to find love can be daunting, it’s actually the easiest, less stressful, and most effective way to find love after divorce for men.
Regardless of your age there’s a dating app designed with you in mind.
Here are a few you may want to check out:
I recommend using more than one app. Doing so allows you to cast a wider net, ensuring that the woman of your dreams doesn’t fall through the cracks.
Once you’ve found an app that’s right for you all you need to do is hit download, create a profile, and start chatting.
It’s understandable if you’re fearful of this process.
However, the best way to address that fear is to read up on how to create an amazing online dating profile and chat with women online.
If this whole process feels awkward to you, no worries.
If you need help navigating this new world of dating, talk to me via a 1-on-1 Zoom call and I’ll answer your questions & we’ll discuss if my coaching program can put you on a path towards romantic success.
Fear Of Approaching Women In Person
This isn’t a fear unique to divorced men, but one that just about every man has.
Trust me, I’m a dating coach that exclusively helps men, I’ve seen this fear in just about every one of my clients.
Maybe you feel like an outsider at social events and kind of just keep to yourself because you’ve still got that awkward teenager inside that doesn’t know what to say.
Talking to strangers is scary!
I’ll give the specifics on how to overcome this fear later, but for now think about this.
Chances are you’re fearful of this situation because you’ve given yourself two outcomes: win or lose.
A number or a rejection.
What if you were to reframe the dynamic and outcomes?
What if instead of flirting with that woman at the party/bar/wedding you were simply talking.
Start entering encounters with this mind frame.
You’re interested in making conversation with this woman, that’s it.
You win if you say hi.
That should be the mindset.
You’re so afraid and often choose not to talk with women because you frame each interaction as a win or lose situation.
Instead of hyping yourself up, take the edge up by telling yourself you’re simply going to say hi and introduce yourself, nothing more.
Finding Love After Divorce for Men: Fearful of Marrying the Wrong Person Again
Rod Stewart once said…
Does that pretty much sum up the way you feel?
Is it possible that you don’t feel you truly deserve the kind of woman that you really, really like?
Past relationships be damned.
By identifying your attachment style you can begin to address these self-defeating thoughts.
If these thoughts are arising, chances are you have an anxious attachment style.
Attachment styles develop in childhood and heavily influence how we interact with others in our adult lives.
These are the most common signs of an adult with an anxious attachment style:
- Low self-esteem
- Prioritizes others even when it’s a detriment to oneself
- Struggles to be alone
- Clingy
- Overanalyzes relationships
The first step towards changing an anxious attachment style is to identify your style, recognize negative habits when they arise, and consciously seek to change them. Work with a therapist, model your relationship off a healthy one, or only engage with those with secure attachment styles in order to change your unhealthy romantic tendencies.
Along with identifying your attachment style, you’ll also want to MegaDate in order to find an array of compatible women you can envision yourself with.
The only way to get over your fear of not being able to find a woman worth marrying is to date around and see what’s out there.
Fear That No One Will Want to Take a Man with Kids
A 2020 Pew Research study showed that only 36% of women say that dating a man with kids would give them pause.
And to be fair this study surveyed women of all ages. My hunch is that the majority of women that would hesitate are young and without children themselves.
But let’s imagine for a moment that ONLY single women with children would be open to date single fathers (which as Pew shows us isn’t even true). If that were the case how deep would the dating pool be?
Well as this 2020 Statistica report shows, that pool would be 15 million women deep.
There are more than 15 million single mothers in the US.
The US actually has the highest rate of children living in a single-parent household.
This makes the US the ideal country to date in for divorced men with children.
Perhaps surprisingly women are actually receptive to dating men with children. They’re more receptive to these men for the same reason men with dogs in their dating profiles receive more swipes.
Women love a man that can care for a child.
We’re programmed to get turned on and have warm feelings for men that are good fathers. Show her you care for your child and are a good father and she’ll quickly look past any hesitation she might have about dating you.
Fearful Of What Your Kids May Think
Your kids are your priority.
No woman can change that.
It makes sense that for any woman to be welcomed into your home they’re going to have to get screened by your kids first.
Your kids might not be cool with this other woman.
If that’s the case you’ll have to be delicate when talking about other women or introducing them to your kids. Allow the process to be as gradual as necessary.
Always be willing to explain the situation so your children aren’t filling in the blanks for themselves.
Slowly plant the idea that Daddy is seeing other women. Assure them that their mother will never be replaced.
Quite often this is their biggest fear.
Solutions To Fears Of Finding Love After Divorce for Guys
There is no one-size-fits-all solution that will address all your problems.
However, there are a few that have worked for my clients in the past and that are bound to aid you in your romantic comeback.
Mock Dates
When it comes to courting a woman, your dating skills are a bit rusty.
Instead of diving headfirst back into dating why not get your feet wet with a mock date?
Mock dates are an option you have in my coaching program.
80% of communication is nonverbal (body language, eye contact, your presence in the moment, etc.).
There’s so much of our behavior that is motivated by our subconscious. So when things go wrong on a date, often it’s hard to even uncover where you went wrong.
For this, we offer mock dates as part of our private and group coaching programs so you can get feedback from women about how you’re being received, beyond just the words you’re choosing to use.
What you’re saying doesn’t mean as much as your tone of voice and your pitch and pacing as well as how you posture yourself as well as other nonverbal factors.
MegaDating Is The Key to Success
MegaDating is the act of dating various women simultaneously with the goal of honing your dating skills and finding a highly compatible partner as soon as possible.
MD addresses various fears you have about finding love after divorce.
Fear such as:
- Finding a woman that will love you
- Dating digitally
- Approaching women
Through constant exposure to women you’ll gradually refine the dating skills you need to successfully court women.
Once you learn how to effectively mine dates your social calendar will be bursting with dates.
So how do you deal with all these dates?
Here are a few 1st, 2nd, and 3rd date MegaDating rules you need to follow.
1st Dates
You’re dating a lot of women and don’t have the time or resources to invest heavily in each woman you meet.
This is why first dates should last no longer than an hour with no more than $10 being spent.
2nd Dates
Second dates should be 100% free, take place midweek, and should be active.
Making them free will weed out women chasing you for cash. Having them be active will get your heart beating and will offer plenty of opportunities to bond via touch.
3rd Dates
If she’s lucky enough to make it to a third date it’s time to treat her.
Bring her to a nice restaurant close to your house, maybe go dancing afterward, and be prepared to have sex.
There are no cash or time restrictions for third dates.
I know it might be scary to think about dating a lot of people but I think that’s the cure for not settling for mediocre and not getting into the same pattern you were in in the past.
So if not settling is really important to you, I recommend setting a goal for how many dates you’re going to go on before you get into a relationship.
And it’s totally fine to tell people you’re doing that.
Are You Ready To Overcome Your Fears?
Are you ready to find the woman you’re meant to be with?
My program will show you the ins and outs of modern dating and how to leverage new techniques in order to find the woman of your dreams.
Book a new client session to learn what skills we can teach you to turn your dating life around.
During your new client introduction session, we’ll discuss your dating history, talk through your current goals, and see if there is a fit to work together.