If there’s one thing I know guys always want to hear more about, it’s tips for better sex. That’s why, in my group coaching program, Dating Decoded, I invited guest speaker Tilly Storm to join one of our weekly calls.
Tilly Storm is a sex, love, and relationship coach who specializes in tantra. She had lots to share with the group about all things related to sex.
According to Tilly, one of the biggest tips for better sex is that you have to be authentic with your partner. You have to drop the shame and be honest about who you are and what you need. (And so does your partner!)
Sounds easy, but it’s a lot harder to do. So naturally, the group and I had a lot of questions. Here are some takeaways from our discussion… courtesy of Tilly’s infinite wisdom.
6 Sex Tips for Men (A Conversation With Tilly Storm)
If your sex life is losing momentum, or worse, coming to a grinding halt, start looking within. Who are you sexually? Explore that. What do you like and not like? Before you can ask for what you want, you need to know yourself. Then, you can work on creating a better sexual connection with someone.
Here are six tips to help you.
Tip for Better Sex #1: Talk About Sex Before You Do It
Let’s be honest: Most people don’t talk about sex. If you’re in a relationship, especially if you have sexual challenges, your partner can often be the last person you feel comfortable talking about it with. And of course, the guilt and shame around sex that comes from society doesn’t help.
But if you want to move forward and have a healthy sexual relationship, you need to get past this. Before you have sex, get the conversation flowing. Ask detailed questions about it before anything happens so you both get on the same page, such as:
What would it mean to you if we had sex?
Use the question as a way to gauge values.
What would having sex with me mean? (Here’s what it would mean for me…)
This is important because a woman may assume that if you’re having sex, then you’re exclusive. You need to know where she stands. If you value sexuality in your relationships, tell her that, and see if she agrees. Having sex also doesn’t have to mean exclusivity. If you prefer to have other sexual relationships too, then be upfront and clear about that. Or, on the flip side, if you don’t have much experience, tell her what your values are in a relationship.
What do you want and like when it comes to sex?
Open up a conversation and see where it takes you. Take sex quizzes together and compare your results! Share things you’ve already done, things you haven’t done, things you want to do, and things you won’t do. You can even create a sexual bucket list together of things you want to try as a couple. This will help you further assess sexual compatibility and avoid getting into a sexless marriage down the line.
2. Know the 5 Sexual Blueprints
Did you know that there are five sexual “blueprints,” or types? You can think of them as the “love languages” for sex. Knowing your sexual blueprint and how it compares to your partner helps you find ways to please each other much faster.
The five sexual blueprints are:
Sensual: The typical female. While this person comes across as needing everything to be “just right,” they really just need all five senses to be stimulated before they get turned on.
Sexual: The typical male. This type needs visual stimulation.
Kinky: These folks get turned on by kinky stuff. Lots of things may fall into the kink bucket, but they often want to find a sub or dom. For more info, check out the book Cuffed, Tied, and Satisfied.
Energetic: This type gets turned on by the anticipation of sex. A lot of women are energetics who get turned on by sexting and texting throughout the day, for instance.
Shapeshifter: If you have all of these blueprints, you are a shapeshifter.
Once you know her blueprint, as well as your own, you can build a much more satisfying sex life. Read more about it in 5 Sex Languages and figure out your sexual blueprint by taking this quiz!
3. Build the Mood
Since so many women are sensual and energetic types, you need to learn how to build the mood before sex — mentally and physically.
Mentally, you can start by simply going out of your way to do things for her. It may sound weird, but when a man really serves a woman’s needs — by making all the plans or simply putting in a lot of effort to please her on a date — he also gives off a lot of masculine energy, which is very attractive. Go a step further than 99% of other dudes on these dating apps, and you’re golden.
Then physically, you might play a little hard to get. This builds mystery and sexual tension between you. Of course, you don’t want to give the impression that you don’t want to have sex, so find ways to show her you’re interested without having sex. Kissing is great.
4. Get Her Feedback
Once you do have sex, open up the conversation again. Ask her questions such as:
- How was it for you?
- What was the best part of the experience for you?
- What would have made it better?
- Did you like it when I… [fill in the blank]?
- Was there anything you didn’t like?
Having an open dialogue is critical to enjoying sex with your partner, so get curious and encourage her to explore the experience with you. You’ll probably find out things that would have gone completely under the radar if you hadn’t had this discussion.
Of course, it could also go south. This is a risk you must take. Some people literally cannot handle talking about sex at all and will go to great lengths to avoid it.
If she’s hesitant or generally doesn’t want to talk about sex when you’re giving her the space to do it, that’s a big problem. If she’s not willing to open up about this early on, then she may not be willing to talk about it later. And you can’t go 10 to 20 years into a relationship and have no communication around sex. So consider it a dealbreaker for yourself if a woman cannot talk about it. If we could boil down this entire discussion to one tip for better sex, it would be this.
And of course, you can’t improve your sexual game with a woman if she’s not honest about what she likes and doesn’t like. Hopefully, she gives you real feedback. But what about all those women you hear about who fake orgasm?
The only thing you can do, says Tilly, is to be aware of the signs she’s faking it. It should be fairly easy to tell, actually. For example, if you have your finger inside of her, you can feel her pelvic floor actually squeezing around your fingers. That’s the biological response she will have. You will feel contractions, even 10 to 20 seconds after orgasm.
You could even Google “signs she’s faking orgasm.” Also, add that to your list of questions for her after sex and gauge her reaction. “How many orgasms did you have? What kind of orgasms did you have? Was it just a clitoral orgasm, etc.?”
5. Remember That It Takes Work
Maybe you’ve noticed a pattern in your relationships where it’s hot and heavy for a few months and then sex totally shuts down. That’s when we learn a very inconvenient truth: Sexual desire takes work to maintain.
Why does sexual desire fade? Because in the beginning, your brain is on drugs. You experience a rush of dopamine and oxytocin that makes everything feel amazing. But eventually, that falls away. You come back to baseline and realize that relationships take work, time, and attention. You can’t stay on that dopamine ride forever.
Another reason could be that intimacy and love don’t develop. Especially if you see this problem happening over and over, there may be a block within you. Perhaps you have a vulnerability or communication issue that keeps you stuck. See if you can do some inner work to improve this — because if you don’t, it can degrade your sense of self-worth. This is where all that “inner game” comes in. If you need support, Tilly works with our Dating Decoded students directly on this in our program, which you can learn more about in our free MasterClass.
6. Don’t Deny Your Sexual Needs
We tend to deny what’s real and what’s important. Yet, sex is important and it is real. The sooner you can accept that and stop acting like it doesn’t matter, the more you’ll get what you need.
A lot of men view sex as a game where they need to convince women to “give up” something as if getting sex is a matter of luck or a sign that they’ve been “good.” This downgrades your self-esteem and it’s just plain wrong.
Don’t ever view sex as a “bonus.” It’s a major piece of the pie. Don’t try and push that under the rug. If you look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, sex is a need — not a want. Once you really own this, you can start weeding out women who cannot meet that need.
If necessary, use code words in your dating app profile to find women who are more sexually open. Words like “tantra,” “pleasure,” or “kink-friendly” could open up your dating pool, along with phrases like, “I like to take care of my woman first,” “I’m a dom/sub,” and so on and so forth.
Tips for Better Sex: Conclusion
In summary, Tilly told us that the key to better sex — not just for men, but for everyone — is about finding out who you are as a sexual creative. In other words, how do you express yourself sexually? Figuring this out requires us to be brave, honest about what we discover, and willing to talk about it with our partner so we can fully accept ourselves.
It seems like it should be easy until we try to do it — and realize it’s actually a process. There’s no one tip for better sex that will turn things around. Only hard work will do that. And it takes time.
That’s one of the reasons I created Dating Decoded, my best-in-class dating coaching program for men who want to find their most compatible long-term relationship fast.
In the program we teach our students how to fill up their dating funnel with lots of high-quality dates, how to escalate sexual tension appropriately, without being too forward or too passive, and how to be the best lover a woman’s ever had.
Here’s what one of our students had to say about escalating sexual tension with a strategy we use in the program.
“It was our fourth date and we went for a nice dinner and had amazing intimacy after the date. This time I brought with me a new and a different ice-breaker game which is more geared towards “intimacy”. The questions in there helped a lot with sexual arousal prior to intimacy and she invited me to her place after the game and dinner.”
This is just one of the many strategies we use in the program to help our students find ever-lasting love as well as a sexually compatible partner. If finding a long-term relationship is a top-priority for you right now, we’d love to help you get there ASAP. Book an intro call with us today to see if Dating Decoded is right for you.
