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She Lost Interest After the First Date. What Should I Do?

She Lost Interest After the First Date. What Should I Do?

Trying to figure out why she lost interest after the first date can take you down a huge rabbit hole. No doubt, you had all your ducks in a row — everything from an epic date location, to a good set of first date questions and a fresh haircut. But something went wrong. After all, let’s be honest… not everyone’s a match. 

So now what? Do you just pick up and move forward as if that never happened, or do you try to learn from it? I’m definitely all for the second option.

Even if things won’t work out with this particular woman, how you decide to handle this is everything. You can either find out what you need to know to make your dating strategy better and move on with confidence, or risk repeating that same experience over and over.



Clients come to me all the time with this dilemma, by the way, so you’re not alone. Once you realize she lost interest after the first date, I suggest you do a few things immediately. Below, I’ll go through each one so that next time you run into this situation, you’ll be ready.

What To Do When She Lost Interest After the First Date

Document Your Date

If you feel like she lost interest after the first date, the first thing to do would be to document that date. Capture all of the little finite details. One way you can do this is by recording your thoughts on your phone (if you have an iPhone, the voice memo app is great for this). 

Don’t worry about whether everything is in chronological order, or if it even totally makes sense. Just talk about the date as the memories come to you — like a stream of consciousness. 

The reason you want to record it that way is that it’ll help you capture the subconscious information that usually leads to a date going poorly. You may end up mentioning things that you weren’t consciously aware of. 

Then after you’ve recorded that — it probably won’t take you longer than 5 or 10 minutes — listen to it back and take notes. Try to catch those moments where the energy shifted or where things might have gotten weird.

If you don’t come up with much, that’s okay. Treat it like one big experiment. As long as you’re willing to do the introspection work, you’ll eventually get clear on why things go right or wrong.

Be Honest: We’re You Even That Interested?

Were you even that interested in her, and if so, why? Or if not, why not? 

You may surprise yourself if you answer this honestly. Sometimes if somebody rejects us or we feel rejected, then it makes us feel like we should try harder. Even though the woman wasn’t right from the very beginning, we don’t admit it to ourselves because our ego is hurt. Instead, we think, “How can I get her back?” 

If you captured your first impressions about the date in a stream of consciousness recording before she had the chance to follow up with you, that’s also very helpful. 

That way, once you realize she lost interest after the first date, the recording can help remind you that you weren’t really that into her, either.

Don’t Take it Personally

If you really want to see her again and you feel like you don’t know what happened, I would always just assume two things: One, she wants to date you, and two, everything is fine. Most importantly, I wouldn’t take it personally. 



Sometimes, if we don’t know what went wrong then we start thinking the worst, like, “Oh man, I must be a horrible person,” or “I must be ugly,” or whatever. But 9 times out of 10, t’s really not that at all. It could be something that has nothing to do with you, like:

  • She’s got another guy in the picture who came back and started giving her attention again

  • She met another new guy and happened to hit it off with him

  • She’s one of the 58% of women ages 18-39 who isn’t sure if she can handle a relationship

  • She’s stressed out with something else in her life, like school, work, or her kid

  • She had a health issue come up

  • She’s moving soon

Most of the time, though, it just doesn’t work — because first dates are all about filtering the wrong women out. So again, try not to take it personally. Even if she lost interest after the first date, it is part of the process. You’re going to go on more first dates than second and third dates, for sure. 

Ask Her Out Again

You might think she lost interest after the first date — but if she hasn’t explicitly said she’s not into you, then ask her out again anyway. 

Actually, I’d give it three tries if you have to, using a solid TDL (time, date, location) every time you ask. (Remember: Assume she wants to date you until she tells you differently.)

Why TDL?

There are a few reasons why you’ll want to give her a TDL. The most obvious one is, how can she tell it’s a date unless you give her a date and time? Until you do that, she has nothing to respond to. 

Giving a TDL also helps you come across as confident, and establishes that you’re leading the date. (If she feels like she has to lead by coming up with date ideas and times, she’ll be less attracted to you.) 

Finally, if you give her a TDL, you’ll find out for sure if she’s interested or not, because she’ll have to either accept or reject your date proposal. Saying something like “we should hang out sometime” could end up leaving things way too vague. Instead, get a clear answer by giving her a TDL.

Make Sure Your Date Idea is Killer

When you do ask her out again, also make sure your date idea is compelling. Consider ideas that have high social value — somewhere she’d want to check into on social media or tell her friends about. 

Regardless, it needs to be something she can’t resist. By now, you should know a little about her interests from her dating profile (if you met online) and your first date conversation. This can give you some good clues about what she might like.

Think of something to do that’s relatively unique and involves something she loves (or said she wants to try). For example, let’s say she loves French bulldogs. Spending a Saturday afternoon at a Frenchie adoption fair would pretty much melt her heart!

Not only that, but outdoor dates where you’re active together can be great for escalating sexual tension on date number two. Since you’ve already gotten to know each other a bit on the first date, give it the benefit of the doubt and assume that once you go on the second date, things can progress. 

You can make this happen by finding innocent ways to get physically close to her while you’re out together — it might be just a playful tap on the shoulder as you tell a joke, or standing closely next to her while you show her something on your phone. 



The point is, pick a second date where you’ll have lots of chances to move around and possibly touch each other. (Sitting across a table at lunch isn’t it!)

Go for It

Once you have your epic date idea, let her know what’s unique about the idea as well as what day and time you want to meet. That is your TDL.

If she gives an excuse or objection without directly saying no, then try again later. Again, I would do this up to three times until you get that explicit “no.”

Get Feedback

Chances are, if she’s not that interested in you, she might give you a false objection to your date idea. Then after two false objections or so, the last one might be just, “You know, I’m just not feeling it.” This would be the explicit “no” I was talking about — where you know she lost interest after the first date.

If that happens, I want you to ask for feedback. This is a magical, magical gift, even though it can be kind of painful. Still, ask for it anyway. 

You can frame it by saying, “You know, it’s really important to me that I succeed in my dating life, and I would love it if you could give me a little feedback on what I did that made you feel not interested.” 

Or you could say something like, “Oh man, am I in the friend zone or something?” Women are charmed by that. 

Some still won’t tell you the truth because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. And others just aren’t good communicators — they’re not in touch with their emotions — and so they might not be able to articulate why they’re not interested. 

Dating is mostly a subconscious experience, after all. Not very many people are consciously aware of the factors that go into why they’re attracted or not attracted to someone.

But if you ask for feedback and explain that you take this seriously, she might be honest. You’re basically asking for her opinion in a safe way, which makes it easier. 

I know it’s really hard, though. Believe me, I’ve totally been in your boat. I’ve gone after the person I wanted only to get rejected and not even know why. In some cases, I didn’t have the courage to even ask for feedback. But every time I did — and every time my clients do — the information is so valuable.



She Lost Interest After the First Date: Wrap

If she lost interest after the first date, get really clear on whether you wanted to see her again anyway. If you felt like you connected very deeply but she didn’t, examine that and spend some time introspecting — thinking and writing, or however you do that. 

Just like I recommended to you, I record everything on voice memos. Then I listen back to it, and I’m like, “Oh, no wonder.” Not everyone will do it that way — some people might even make music — but it is really important to give yourself that space to review. 

If there’s a clear “I’m not interested” after at least one date, it’s always worth it to get feedback. If a woman does not want to see you again, just like I said earlier, I would always try for that second TDL. After three times, she’ll probably say she’s not interested, which is when you should ask for feedback. 

Bouncing back after a rejection is one of the hardest parts of dating, but once you master this, it puts you one huge step closer to finding the woman you really want. Being able to put yourself out there with confidence, regardless of someone else’s behavior, is key. 

That’s why I recommend MegaDating, or dating several women at once, as being the basis of your dating strategy. Once you have several options to choose from at any given time, you won’t be fazed at all by one woman who decided she lost interest after the first date.

So how do you get to this point? With my help, of course! Watch my webinar and book a Zoom 1-on-1 session with me today. We can examine your dating situation in detail, honing in on how you can specifically make changes to increase the quality of the women you attract — and keep them interested as well. 

You may also be a great candidate for my private or group based three-month Signature Coaching program, allowing us time to work together over 12 sessions to really overhaul your online dating persona and in-person dating skills.

If you’re ready to up-level your dating life and find the relationship you’ve been dreaming of, there’s no reason to wait.

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