Randall Munroe is a NASA-roboticist that likes to apply his nerdy brain to answering life’s more absurd question. While taking a break from engineering robotic arms that would be installed on the newest space shuttle, Munroe turned his focus towards Earth. He wanted to calculate the odds of finding a soul mate. By using rules laid down by dozens of sappy romantic novels paired with whimsy and a dash of hard science, Munroe concluded that there’s a one in 10,000 chance that any individual will find their true love. Sure, maybe it’s a little sad, but not for our purposes.
You clicked on this article because you’ve been asking all your buddies the same question, “She didn’t text me back after the first date; what should I do?” The easy answer is move on. There’s a .010% chance that the girl you went out with is your soul mate. Now, realistically that stat still shouldn’t give you much hope of finding your soul mate, but it should galvanize you to keep searching. While it’s unlikely that you’ll find your soul mate, what is likely is that you’ll find someone that you have a stronger connection with than this woman that still hasn’t texted you back.
While simply shouting at you through a screen to MOVE ON isn’t productive, I’ll instead make my argument eloquently and validate it through the use a bunch of fancy statistics and psychological theories. Let’s get nerdy!
Follow The Numbers
Hannah Fry is a catch. Woops, it appears I didn’t give her an introduction worthy of her abilities. Dr. Hannah Fry is a catch. She’s got long red hair that looks like it was forged from dragon fire, a girl next-door smile, and a PhD in Mathematics from the University College London. Fry has absolutely no reason to obsess over love, but in 2015 she did just that.
In her book, The Mathematics of Love: Patterns, Proofs, and the Search for the Ultimate Equation she uses the lens of a mathematician to gain an intimate understanding of all things related to love. In it, she comes up with an equation that determines when someone should choose a mate to settle down with.
She found that within the first 37% of the dating window, all potential lifetime partners should be rejected. First loves, summer flings, and college hookups should all be pushed aside. She argues that this period of your life should be used to understand what type of person you’re most attracted to, while also gleaning a realistic notion of the market and what type of people are attracted to you. After the first 37% of your dating window has expired, pick the next person you date that’s better than the rest. This formula is inspired by the “optimal stopping theory.”
The dating window can of course be changed depending on when you started dating. If you didn’t start dating until you were 21, you can push that dating window back a few years. The key takeaway from the dating formula is that to truly know what a good partner looks like, you need to shop around.
How Did You Meet Her?
Where you met her has more to do with why she’s not responding than you think. A few years back a Google Consumers Survey asked more than 2,373 participants ages 18-34 how they met their current partner. A nominal 9.4% reported to have met their hubby via a dating application. A whopping 38.6% kept it old school and met their partner/spouse through a mutual friend. What this tells us is that relationships that last are more likely to originate from being introduced to a friend than through an application. Even if you met this woman through Tinder and you two mutually enjoyed the date, there’s a higher chance of her ghosting you than if you met her through a friend.
50% of people admit to having ghosted or been ghosted. Most of these people report to having been ghosted from someone they met online rather someone they met IRL.
Some random woman you met on the web can easily get away with ghosting because she doesn’t have any ties to your life. You two don’t have to see each other in the volleyball league and don’t share any mutual friends. Ghosting exists to make things less awkward. Ghosting would never take place if you two went to yoga class together. Which scenario is more awkward: shooting off a text saying that you two should just be friends or being pulled aside after class and having to explain why you never texted back?
If she’s a Tinderella, there’s no need to ask yourself why she didn’t text me back after the first date. Know that most likely she doesn’t want to exert the energy into going on a second date and that instead of putting herself in an emotional uncomfortable position she took the easy way out and faded into the online dating abyss.
So What If I Met Her Through A Mutual Friend And She Hasn’t Texted Me Back
If she hasn’t responded to a few of your messages following a first date, you’ll likely want to find out why. In a genuinely inquisitive (and totally non-creepy way) ask her friend if ‘Jenna’ talked to her about their date. Make it clear that she hasn’t texted back and that you want to learn if there was something you did wrong.
This request for knowledge might give you two things. One is closure and the other is feedback that you can use on your next date. You should always be learning from your dating experiences. Wouldn’t it be great if every girl that opted out of a second date with you explained why? Such insider information would turn you into a refined dating machine.
Look man, I know you’re stressed out. You go out with this cute girl, you think you’re vibing, and then wham –four days and still no text back. As much as it sucks, it’s time to move on. You know this and yet, you just can’t. Failing to let this stranger dissolve has less to do with her and everything to do with your attachment style. The theory explains why we respond the way we do in relationships that hurt us. It seems to explain why we hold onto hurtful memories or become anxious when someone we care for hasn’t made contact for hours or days. Understanding your emotional attachment style will arm you with the knowledge to flip the script. Instead of obsessing over potential romantic partners you’ll now be able to move on to the next one.
There are three different attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment.
What was the family dynamic in your childhood? Were your parents and guardians stable or volatile? Children that have apathetic or mercurial parents are likely to adopt an anxious attachment style. Such behavior rubs off onto a child. As a result these children grow up into adults that easily become distrustful and suspicious of others. Other characteristics of these people are clinginess and desperation. If you’re having trouble letting a girl you barely know go, this might be you.
An adult with an avoidant attachment feels the need to eschew relationships, instead opting to bounce from one partner to the next. This person was cultivated in an environment of chaos. Trust and intimacy weren’t readily available during their childhood. Have you ever met someone who is aggressively reserved and creates uncomfortable situations in order to avoid forming a strong social bond? If so, they probably have an avoidant attachment style.
A child nurtured in a stable environment with plenty of love to go around will naturally grow up to become an adult that looks to build healthy relationships. These people can be alone and still feel at ease because they are surrounded by positive relationships and have learned through the years that they have the ability to build healthy relationships with relative ease.
Replay The Date In Your Head
What really happened on your date? Did you give her absolutely no reason to not want a second date? To be fair, these questions can’t be answered. What you’re looking for when you replay the date in your mind are moments or patterns within the date that were signs she wasn’t into you. Perhaps you didn’t follow the dating blueprint laid out in MegaDating and took her to a fancy dinner (here’s how long a first date should last). By luring you into such an opulent first date she was merely sneating you.
There could be any number of reasons why she hasn’t messaged you back yet. You can either move on or keep digging for answers.
MegaDating means dating many people within a short period of time. Doing so comes with a host of benefits. One of these benefits is the ability to let women go. It’s okay that she never texted you back because you already have another first date planned for later this week. You won’t have time to get hung up on a girl when you’ve got multiple dates lined up. Don’t waste time getting yourself down because she never hit you back. Instead look forward and get in the right headspace so that your next first date is an awesome one.
Make Her An Offer She Can’t Refuse
Most likely you messaged her after the first date saying how much fun you had and that you should do it again. Silence ensued and now you’re here. Perhaps a default, “thanks for the great date” doesn’t warrant a response in her mind. After waiting 24-48 hours after the first text was sent, send her another. This time you’ll want to propose a TDL.
She Didn’t Text Me Back After The First Date: You’re Online Dating Profile Is Off
It’s normal to embellish a little bit on online dating applications. Uploading a photo from your college days when you had muscles and a full head of hair is tempting. However, using photos that don’t closely enough resemble your current look could be the reason she’s not texting back. It’s tempting to use out of date photos. But the reality is that doing so will only go so far as to help you secure a first date. Once you meet up in person the illusion is compromised. Be forthright with your profile or else get used to silence after a first date.
Still asking yourself “why didn’t she text me back after the first date?” Allow me to explain in-depth why she didn’t text you back and what you can do to avoid getting into such a plight in the future. To start improving your dating life, schedule a New Client 1-on-1 Skype session here.
During our session we’ll talk about your current dilemma of this babe not texting you back, then we’ll diagnose your dating history, create an action plan, and see if my 3 month coaching program could help you get to your next level in life (not being single anymore!).