Are you not getting responses on dating sites, even though you’ve used them for several years? I hear this from my clients often. A lot of men rarely receive responses to their attempts to communicate — and if they do, the communication stops after only a few messages. 

If this sounds like you, don’t worry. There’s a solution. In this article, we’ll discuss the reasons why you’re not getting responses on dating sites  — or if you are, why they tend to fizzle out before you manage to go on a date.

If You’re Not Getting Responses on Dating Sites, Maybe You Need a New Opener

I know I don’t have to tell you that women get flooded with messages on dating apps. So when you craft your message, you do have to put a little thought into it.

Obviously it’s tough — who has time to write out thoughtful notes to 10 women in one night? And who even wants to do that, especially if you probably won’t hear back? 

I hear ya. But I’m not asking you to write her a novel. Just keep some simple tips in mind when you do message her, such as:

Using an H-Factor Doesn’t Work

“Hi,” “Hey,” “How are you,” “Hola,” “How was your weekend?”, “How was your Valentine’s Day?”, “Howdy,” … all bad. Trite, meaningless, overused, terrible. 

Never start your message with the letter H. Why? Because literally 99% of other men are doing the same thing. Her inbox is saturated with these kinds of messages. 

The only acceptable way to begin a message with the letter “H” is to ask, “Have you been ______ (location)?” Other than that, ditch that crap. It won’t work.

You Should Open with a Question

Don’t make a statement. Questions are what win responses. Also, ask only one question at a time. Don’t bombard her with 30 questions all at once.

Instead, make it easy for her to respond. Once you have a question mark in place, no more words should come after it. It needs to be clear that it is her turn to respond — and the only way to ensure that’s clear is to end your entire message with a question mark. 

Take a look at the above screenshot for a great example if you’re struggling to get responses on dating sites and apps. 

Don’t Ask Surface Level Questions

Only ask questions you actually want the answer to, even if these questions are polarizing. For example, a question about her political views might seem risky, but at the same time, it’s much more engaging. Plus, it can reveal her true colors pretty quickly.

This goes for goofy questions too, by the way. What do I mean by goofy questions? Something like: “Breaking spaghetti noodles in half before you put them in water — yay or nay?” 

This is a stupid question. I don’t care, he doesn’t care. Why would I bother to respond? 

Instead, Ask Her Something Like, “Where Was This?”  

Using travel photos as a way to begin a meaningful conversation is an excellent idea! Comment on one of her vacation photos if there are any. 

Say Something Funny 

Speaking of travel photos: I have a picture of me scuba diving with sharks and a guy messaged me with “WTF! I would’ve died right there!” Lol! This is a funny message that I’d definitely respond to. It relates and it adds value. It makes me want to comment back. Well done. 

On the same picture, another guy said: “Get outta there! Crazy chic. WTF? I don’t know if I can protect you.” I’d definitely respond to that too (if he wasn’t 17 years my senior… more on that later). A third guy wrote, “Yikes, do they bite?” Cracked me up!

Comment on Her Bio

Generally, you want to like what she says, not how she looks. If you must comment on her photos, ask her about her travel photos like I mentioned before. 

But commenting on her bio is even better. Find something kind of obscure in her bio that you both have in common and ask her a question about that. Like the below screenshot: 

Or, Try a Controversial Statement

Using polarizing comments is a great way to get women to message you first! I remember one guy who wrote, “Tacolicious is trash” next to the prompt “My most controversial opinion is…” on his profile. 

I thought it was genius because so many people love that restaurant in my area.

Just Be Sure to Say Something (Don’t Just Like Her Photo)

The greater the risk, the better the reward. Likes without comments are easy. We can tell when you’re putting in zero effort and we don’t like it. Try harder.

Here’s a cute example: I saw a guy once on Hinge add a comment to a photo that simply said, “I hope you like me too! :)” Not sure it’ll work for you, but the authenticity definitely pulled at my heartstrings. It’s also very different from what other men are messaging, so it stands out.

If You’re Not Getting Responses on Dating Sites, It Might Be Your Photos….

Once a woman reads your message, she’s going straight to your profile to see your photos (that is, if your first photo is attractive to her). 

If you’re not getting responses on dating sites, it might be because women aren’t into your photos. Here’s what you need to remember.

Your Photos Must Be Competitive

This is the most important factor in online dating. Make no excuses.

First, get photos taken by a professional if you have to. I know this sounds extreme, but people do it and it works. 

Lots of independent photographers will take photos of regular people for dating profiles and social media. Google it and see. And don’t worry: They can make your photos look candid, and will give you feedback on how you can look your best. Trust me, it’s worth the investment.

Next, test them on Photofeeler. You’ll get anonymous votes on which photos people like best. 

You must do this, period. End of story. No excuses. You’ll love the results. But at the same time, just because your photos look hot, I should also say this…

Don’t Be 60 Trying to Match with 34-Year-Old Women

Pro photographers can make your photos look much better, but they’re not miracle workers. 

Look, I gotta be real here. If you’re more than 10 years older than me, there’s no way I’m going to respond to your message. And unless you’re trying to pull sugar babies, I’d say most girls are the same way — which means you’re wasting your time. 

I don’t know many babes who want to date someone their father’s age or older. Sorry. Even the best message can’t penetrate that age gap.

Keep your age range within 10 years of your own age. Statistically speaking, it’s less likely for a relationship to last if the age difference is greater than 10 years anyway. You can improve your response rate by sticking to that parameter. 

If you’re really not interested in women your age, then it’s important to figure out what value you can add to a significantly younger woman’s life. Not gonna lie: It’s probably financial. 

Toss Out Any Gun Photos

If she sees a photo of you with a gun or looking dangerous in any way, she’s not going to respond to you. As women, our first priority is safety and security, especially when it comes to meeting strangers. Avoid any photos that could be construed as “dangerous” to increase the chances that she’ll respond.

Also, Don’t Look Like a Killer

Even if you’re a stud at messaging, if you look even borderline killery in your photos, she’s not going to respond. How do you not look killery? Smile and make eye contact. Don’t be glaring in your photos.

Also, no sunglasses or frowny faces. Even a good message would get a swipe left for sunglasses and a frowny face. Women want happy, positive, enthusiastic guys whose eyes they can see. #NoFrownyFaces

Do Have a Lion Cub Licking You Happily in Your First Photo 

I’d match with this guy just for the story, even though he only liked a photo and didn’t add a comment. I’d want to know how he got that shot.

Or, a Cute Puppy Works Too

The cute puppy is always, always a crowd-pleaser. I’ve been known to swipe right on many a man with a cute puppy, even when his message sucks. It definitely scores you some points. Doesn’t even have to be your puppy — just a puppy.

What If You’re Getting Responses but No Dates? Then Work on Your Messaging

Getting responses on dating sites and apps only to have things fizzle out sucks. Here’s how you can avoid potentially ruining things before you even meet.

Keep Sexual Comments to Yourself

I’m not talking about just the overly sexual comments. Even saying something like “your curves look amazing in that red dress” is just straight-up creepy. It’s like, I don’t know you homie. Don’t talk to me like we’ve already had sex. Cool? Thanks.

Avoid Giving Too Many Compliments 

Compliments are overused, especially when they’re about her looks. A beautiful woman gets compliments all the time. So let that go, because it’s not working. 

Instead, ask her an emotionally charged question about a favorite hobby, pet, or family member (based on what you can see from her profile).

Don’t Call Out Things You’re Bad At

Example: “I confess, I am not an excellent salsa dancer. But I can probably learn.” This is a totally unnecessary statement. Don’t go negative, don’t apologize, don’t start that way. 

Think of it like a job interview. You’re not going to go in there and say, “I got fired from my last job because I kinda sucked at it.” No! Be confident and positive.

Trying to Be Cute Won’t Get You Anywhere

Sarcasm, jokes, humor… very little of it transfers over to messaging. It’s hard to understand jokes over text. When you’re messaging a woman on an app, you should instead pay attention to your tone, inflection, pitch, pacing, and timing. 

Save your wit for the date, when you’re in-person with her. Don’t risk losing her because she doesn’t understand your joke. Just be direct and ask for the date.

And for Fuck’s Sake, Never Say This

“Hey, you’re cute. We should hang out.” Nope, not gonna. My cuteness does not warrant a hangout bro. Try harder.

Instead, Once You Get a Response, Go for a TDL ASAP 

Stop trying to build rapport on an app. Often when there’s nothing left to say, that’s when conversation fizzles. Plus, the purpose of dating apps is to get people out on dates in real life, anyway. 

So ask for the date using a TDL (time, date, location) with an excellent value-add (i.e., a compelling reason why your date idea rocks). 

Not Getting Responses on Dating Sites: Wrap-up

When you’re using dating sites, falling into a routine is easy. You set your filters, scroll through profiles, send 10 messages, repeat.

Problem is, one day you’ll wake up and realize you’re not just in a routine — you’re in a rut. Doing the same thing over and over might mean you’re actually making the same mistake over and over.

If you want to improve your dating life, sometimes you just need to look at things from the woman’s perspective. Hopefully, this list reminded you of the biggest reasons why you’re not getting responses on dating sites. Try to remember some of these principles when you’re interacting.

Remember, even though you’re approaching tons of women (it’s called MegaDating) there are still ways to come across as genuine, too. Every woman wants to feel like you’re interested in her specifically. So if you get nothing else from this, just be yourself and ask for that date as soon as you can.

Obviously, there’s a lot more I could say here. The best way to really pinpoint why you’re not getting responses on dating sites is to book a new client session with me, so we can go over your personal situation. During our 30 minutes together we’ll also create an action plan and see if my 3 month Signature coaching program could help you reach your dating and relationship goals.