Are you considering dating a woman with different political views than you?
Whether you’re a staunch conservative, bleeding heart liberal, or somewhere in the middle, I bet you’d probably hesitate to bring up politics on a first date. (Only 23% will, in fact.) After all, you never know if your political views might rub someone the wrong way, or vice versa. Will she run for the hills if she finds out that you watch Fox News? Do you really want to know where she stands on gun control? And why jump into all that when you first meet someone, anyway?
Fair enough. But at the same time, if you want to find someone who’s right for you, then honesty is key. And so is hearing out other people’s views: You don’t want to limit your dating pool by eliminating people just based on their politics, because the difference between the two of you could be way less than you think.
So what’s the best way to handle politics when it comes to dating? Should you “out” yourself right on your profile? What if you end up on a date with someone with different politics than you? Does it even matter?
OK, let’s dive in. Here are my six biggest tips for dating a woman with different political views, starting from when you make your very first impression.
1. Go Ahead and Put Your Politics on Your Profile
Let me explain. A critical concept in politics is that you’ll never get 100% of the vote. The same is true in dating — you can’t try and cater to every single woman. If you do, you’ll come across as a man who doesn’t have a backbone.
No matter what your politics are, the most attractive part about you will be your confidence level. By being upfront about your politics in a brief, conversational way (no rants, please!) you’ll show her that you’re not afraid to be yourself, and that you won’t compromise who you are just to satisfy someone else — even her. Deep down, she’ll dig that. In fact, she wants you to have an opinion. If you’re too agreeable with everyone, you’ll bore everyone, which means you’ll become forgettable.
And if you think mentioning politics in your profile is too “polarizing,” just look at President Trump. He definitely polarized voters. To this day, people either love him or hate him — there’s little ambivalence there. But that’s why he’s the President. No matter how you feel about him, he’s fully committed to his point of view. And that makes those who agree with him even more determined to support him. It’s the same dynamic with dating.
So, I wouldn’t be afraid to put your political views on your profile, as long as it’s worded positively. You definitely don’t want to go negative on your profile, because that can backfire. A great way to make sure you strike just the right tone is to work with a dating coach on it. He or she will be able to tell you if you’re coming off as confident or obnoxious, and can recommend the best wording.
2. Use Qualifiers in Your Profile
What does a woman need to have, believe, like, or want in order to qualify for a date with you? These are your “qualifiers,” or your must-haves in a partner. It’s okay to mention these in your profile, because no woman wants a man who will take just anyone.
After all, if you’re a passionate Republican, why would you want to attract a super Democrat anyway? Sure, it might cause liberal women to immediately swipe left — but it will also make hot conservative women super-swipe on you because you share similar interests.
Plus, you don’t want to prolong something that would never work in the first place. In other words, if certain political views would be dealbreakers for you, then you might as well make them known so you don’t waste your time with the wrong person. So, use qualifiers strategically in your profile, and you’ll naturally weed out women who are incompatible with you.
A polarizing statement can also act as a qualifier. If you go this route, you might use humor to soften your tone, as well as give a wink to the women who share your sensibilities. For example, while the statement, “Trump supporters, swipe left” might be a little harsh, you might say something like:
“Never kissed a Republican, but I guess there’s a first time for everything.”
Adding qualifiers to your profile will strongly attract the exact women you want. Don’t be afraid of pushing away those who don’t resonate with your values.
3. Don’t Shy Away from Political Conversation
If you’re actually dating a woman with different political views, then don’t be afraid to let politics come up in the conversation. There are a few reasons for this.
For one thing, sharing political views speaks deeply to your values, and you want to find a partner who matches you on this level in order to create a fulfilling and sustainable relationship. For many people, their political views are literally tied up with their definitions of life, happiness, and … heck, freedom itself. If you’re one of them, then getting aligned on your political views could be very important.
Also, a political conversation could also spark emotion in her. When you talk about values (politically or otherwise) you’d be surprised at the level of emotion it brings out in people. And that emotion — even if it’s anger — creates tension, which is always better than being too agreeable, because women could interpret that as weak and uninteresting.
That being said, on what date should you bring up your political views with her? It depends on how much it matters to you. Are you super invested in politics and your viewpoint? Then you might want to bring it up on the second date. But on the other hand, if you don’t live and die by your political views, then you could possibly wait until you have a more comfortable rapport before you hit them with, “Abortion?! Gun control? Border wall? GO!”
4. Seek to Understand Her POV
I’d say it’s unlikely for a relationship to last if you’re extremely opposed to each other when it comes to politics. However, if neither of you are that extreme, then having political differences might not be that big of a deal. In fact, according to a study by Match, 72% of American singles are willing to cross political party lines for a potential partner, and 45% are willing to try to understand the opposing perspective.
My boyfriend and I have opposing political views, but we aren’t extreme. Personally, I know the value of a two-party system because I studied international politics — so I’m always curious about the opposing viewpoint (because if you didn’t have two parties, there’d be a lot of problems!). I’m also issue-based, and I’m willing and eager to hear the other side’s arguments rather than blocking them out. And so for me, the relationship works.
That’s also why you shouldn’t get stuck on labels. Maybe she’s fiscally conservative but not socially conservative, if she’s a Republican. Or maybe she’s a Democrat who was disappointed in Obama by the time he left office. You have no idea where she actually stands on the things you care about until you talk to her.
So if you’re dating a woman with different political views, why not take the opportunity to look for common ground? If nothing else, it’ll make your conversations that much more interesting. For example, you might get curious about what might lead her to hold that opposing view. What experiences did she have that differed from yours? Would you share her perspective if you’d had those same experiences? Use this as a way to understand her even better. Not only will you connect on a deeper level, but she’ll find your genuine interest in her extremely attractive.
5. Ask About Things That Will Affect You as a Couple
You should also try to find out how your political differences could affect your relationship. For instance, let’s say the woman you’re seeing is politically conservative. Does that mean she’s also socially conservative? How will she interact with your friends and family, especially if you have loved ones who are atheist, part of the LGBTQ community, etc? Or, let’s say your condom broke — would she be opposed to using Plan B?
Or, on the flip side, let’s say she’s politically liberal. Could you ever take her home to visit your family in Texas, knowing she’s vegan and you guys legally hunt deer? And would she expect you to show up, picket sign in hand, to support her at the Women’s March next year, even though you honestly have some issues with it?
Sounds overly dramatic? Maybe. But if you guys have different politics and are both passionate, most likely there will be some challenging scenarios in your future. When you’re dating someone with the same political views, it’s easy to assume you’ll automatically be on the same page on certain things — but in this case, you might not be. So you might want to find ways to gently dig out this information ahead of time.
6. Observe How You Communicate with Each Other
Since you don’t naturally agree on big issues, this gives you the chance to see if you guys can both fight fair as a couple. Do you shout each other down and interrupt before the other has a chance to get a word in? Is one of you making fun of the other’s viewpoint?
Having a disagreement with someone can be very telling. Just so we’re clear, here are some signs of an emotionally intelligent discussion. You both will:
- Admit when you’re wrong
- Think before speaking, instead of just reacting
- Point out the areas where you DO agree
- Ask genuine questions
- Avoid taking things personally
- Avoid personal attacks
- Respect where the other person’s coming from
If things don’t seem to go this way, then maybe she’s not right for you — not because of her political views, but because of what your discussions reveal about her emotional intelligence (or yours). Use your political conversations as a litmus test for how well you can communicate about the hard stuff.
Dating a Woman with Different Political Views: Wrap-Up
One important thing to remember is that we’re all reasonable adults, at least for the most part. If you find someone interesting who happens to have different politics, you might discover that you have more in common that you originally thought, if you give it a chance. Use these tips to help you approach each situation with respect, and you may be surprised at how much your world — and your dating pool — opens up.
And if you need more help, a coach like myself can also help you look at how your politics are affecting your dating experiences. Book a 1-on-1 New Client Skype session with me and we can take a look at how to integrate your personal views (and dealbreakers) into your dating process so you stop putting energy toward relationships that won’t work. Instead, I’ll show you how to hyper-focus your efforts on attracting women that align with you, no matter what your politics are!