Even as a dating coach, I can tell you that one of life’s biggest mysteries is how to find a woman who is right for you. Why? Because there’s no single answer to that. Instead, it’s a blend of many factors that you need to mix together. It’s like an art.

A couple of those factors are volume and momentum. When you’re trying to find not just “a” woman, but the “right” woman, you need a bunch of women to choose from to start with. So you go on lots of dates. That’s volume. 

As you keep going on date after date, you become less attached to any particular woman. You create momentum, which makes you more confident and relaxed. Most importantly, this momentum makes you more comfortable showing up as your true self — which, again, will not only help you attract “a” woman, but the right one.

Both of these factors can improve your dating life, which is why I recommend Megadating (the practice of dating as many women as possible). But guys misunderstand this all the time. They think it’s “dating by the numbers,” as in, rack up enough dates and one of those women will be right for you based on probability alone. Wrong. Volume and momentum are important (fans of the 37% rule will understand this), but they aren’t the only game in town.

Megadating is simply one tool that you need to mix with other strategies if you want to find your ideal partner. This successful blending of strategies what I do and why I’m a coach.

So you want to know how to find a woman who is right for you? You need to add another factor to the mix. It’s called awareness — of who you are, what went wrong in your past relationships, and ultimately (this is the biggie) what you want. Until you can zero in on these things, you’ll keep going on tons of random dates without any meaningful purpose. 

How to Find a Woman Who is Right for You

Your awareness level will help make sure that when the right woman comes along, you recognize her right away. Here are 14 short exercises I ask my clients to do in order to cultivate awareness. 

Make a List of All of the Women You’ve Ever Dated 

Yep, we’re starting simple. List all your exes in a spreadsheet by name. Can’t remember some of their names? No worries. Just use code names so you can remember who is who. Next, note the length of each relationship. Then, write down how you met in the third column.

Write Down What You Liked About Each of Them 

I know, easier said than done. But for each one, there must have been something. Think back to the reason why you were attracted to them in the first place. Or, if you can, list all the positive character traits you can remember. Look at the superficial qualities as well as the deeper ones. 

Write Down What You Didn’t Like About Each of Them 

This will probably be easier. Think about all the things you didn’t like about your exes and let it rip. But be honest. Maybe there were things you’d rather not admit you didn’t like. For instance, her rich family might have secretly gotten on your nerves or intimidated you. Or maybe she was just way too boring for you. Put all that stuff on there, too.

Highlight the Negatives That Your Exes Have in Common

Here’s where you look for patterns. The key is not to look for exact matches between the women, but an overarching theme. Did you happen to date one woman who constantly criticized you… another one who used to get crazy jealous and go through your phone… and another one who never wanted to give you time alone? Maybe the word is controlling. 

Ask Yourself Why You’ve Attracted Women with Those Negative Traits

Why do you think you were attracted to women with these negative qualities? Dig deep for this one, because it’s likely something you’d rather not face, much less write down. But you need to look at this if you want to become truly self-aware when it comes to dating.

Usually, the answer is that there’s some sort of hidden payoff for you. So, to use the controlling trait as an example: Maybe you choose them because part of you does want to give up your freedom in exchange for a sense of security. Or you associate that type of energy with love. 

List the Preferred Qualities You Rarely Attract (But Would Like To)

What do you desire in a woman? Forget about what you think is “realistic” for a moment. My list would have “a guy who dances, speaks Spanish, and has lived in different countries.” What about you? Don’t hold back. Just be sure you consider what will really make you happy.

Sure, focusing on women who are beautiful and being able to attract them would be nice — but is that quality alone really the answer to how to find a woman who is right for you? Consider how you want to feel in the right relationship. Then, note the qualities the woman needs to have in order to give you that feeling.

Note the Positives and the Negatives You Share with Your Exes

For example, you might have noticed that a lot of the women you attracted were fun, and you think you’re pretty fun yourself. Same goes for the negatives: Maybe you saw that many women you dated were alcoholics, but that you might drink a bit too much as well. Be even-handed in your observations and really look at the commonalities on both sides.

Doing this can be humbling (who wants to admit what they had in common with their crazy ex?) but it’s important information. If you and that crazy ex had something positive in common, then you know what to look for in someone else. Or, if you share a negative quality, you’ll know what part of you is attracting that type of woman.

Describe Why Each Relationship Ended

Go through all your breakups and list the reasons behind each one. Be sure to look at both sides of the story, and ask yourself: Do you notice any recurring patterns? For instance, you might be leaving each of your relationships with the same feeling of frustration, like you were being suffocated. Or maybe several of your exes weren’t very invested in the relationship and ended up cheating on you. Taking a stroll down memory lane isn’t always pleasant, but you need to have a good grasp of this going forward.

Mark Down Which Relationship, In Your Opinion, Was the Best 

It doesn’t have to be the longest relationship you had. Just think about which relationship made you feel the closest to your ideal — despite how it ended. When did you feel most at ease? Who gave you the most permission to be yourself? Which woman were you most excited to introduce to your friends and family? Who did you have the most fun with? Which relationship do you wish would have worked?

Name Your Dealbreakers 

These are character traits that, when discovered, prompt you to immediately exit the relationship. (Mine are laziness and dishonesty.) Think about your breakups for more insight. What could you absolutely not tolerate? When you were the one who ended the relationship, what was the ultimate reason?

Or, to put it in a more casual dating context: Who do you filter out immediately when searching for dates online? What could someone say to make you walk out of a date? Then, next to each dealbreaker, write down what behaviors would alert you to the fact that a woman might have that dealbreaker. Example: Dishonest. Behavior indicator: Inconsistencies in stories. 

Consider What Changes You Can Make 

Now that you know the mistakes you’ve made when choosing women (and why), how can you avoid women like that? Maybe you need to raise your self-esteem in order to stop falling for women who seem to be “nurturing” at first, but really end up controlling you. It could be anything — just be sure to give it some real thought. How you change on the inside can definitely change what you attract on the outside. That’s how to find a woman who is right for you.

Think of Where You Could Find the Woman with the Qualities You Want

Avoiding the wrong types of women often comes down to location selection. So, based on your favorite relationship, write down where you might go to find someone who shares that person’s qualities.

Examples: You met your favorite girlfriend at a book club, so maybe you should go find a book club to join again. Or, you really wish to date a smart, financially independent woman but keep attracting golddiggers. Maybe you should take a real estate seminar or join an investment club to meet women with that mindset, then.

Really think about who your ideal woman is and where she most likely hangs out. Then, make a plan to go to those same places. It’s time to start thinking about getting out of your comfort zone and everyday routine.

Compare Your Past Relationship History to Your Current Dates 

Now, it’s the moment of truth: Using this data you’ve collected on your past relationships — both the good and the bad — compare them to your present relationship, the woman you’re dating, or recent women you’ve gone out with. It should be clear whether or not you’re making better choices for yourself.

Does the current woman (or women) match your old choices? Or the new ones you wish to make? You now have both eyes open and can really scrutinize things. Are you looking in the right places? Do your choices reflect your stated values?

Hire a Coach 

Working through all these exercises is time-consuming and maybe even overwhelming. But you need to make this type of investment if you want to steer your dating life in a different direction. Relying on the hope or “probability” of meeting the right woman isn’t enough. 

If you do this self-exploration with a coach, it’ll be a lot easier. Not only that, but you’ll be more apt to stick it through. You could look at this list and immediately decide to quit, or you could reach out to someone who you can dialogue with during the process.

In fact, talking through these points with a coach can make it a much richer (and more useful) experience. I work through these exercises with men every day, so as you walk through your relationship history, I’ll be asking you skillful questions designed to spark memories and open up perspectives that you might not have considered on your own.

Especially if you think you’re stuck in a negative cycle, it’s time to reach out to an expert.

You don’t want to keep beating your head against a brick wall, but it can be hard to know how to stop. Remember, learning how to find a woman who is right for you is an art. It means coming up with a winning strategy by using different techniques in just the right combination. Think of it like dating jiu-jitsu.

That said, none of us are born knowing how to do this. If you’re finding yourself in negative relationships over and over again and again, you’re not alone. I was like that, too. But after completing my 100-Date Experiment, I learned how to spot the bad patterns and turn the ship around. Today, I help men get out of their own way so they can avoid falling into toxic relationships again and again. 

You have the power to find the love of your life — a woman who “makes you go,” as my dad would say. So, let’s talk. Book a session with me today, and together, we can get you one step closer to finding your ideal woman. We can also determine if you’re a candidate for my 3 month Signature Program, which offers more in-depth coaching time to help you achieve your goals.