Here’s How to Add Value on Dating Apps & Why It Gets You More Likes, Matches, & Dates

Is it possible to get someone to like you immediately from the first text? I’d say yes. The answer is easy: It’s all about adding value on dating apps. So let’s dive into this a little further.

A client reached out to me the other day asking me about this very idea. As I talked to him, I realized that a lot of people might not understand what “adding value” means in the context of dating, or dating apps.

First, let me explain: In my coaching, I tell people that a good dating app message should do three things.

— Relate
— Add value
— Express intent

While it may seem easy to tell the difference, sometimes I hear people get confused over which elements are in their message, or how to do all three of them really well.

I figure the best thing to do is let you in on the conversation with my client (who shall remain blissfully anonymous!). Together, we unpack the entire concept of adding value. Here’s how it can change the game when you’re talking to someone on a dating app (or outside of one, for that matter).

How to Add Value on Dating Apps, 101

Adding Value vs. Relating

OK, adding value on dating apps is a huge topic for me. I have much to say and ask about this. The concept of “adding value” has led to some big insights, but also more questions. I want more clarification on your meaning of adding value. Let me explain: You mentioned a good text should relate, add value, and express intent. Let’s forget about intent for a second because I understand that well. In the message competition a couple of weeks ago, you said all of my messages were relating (i.e., I was asking about her and about topics she liked) but they weren’t adding value (i.e., I wasn’t offering a piece of information she didn’t know about). So I’m still having trouble with this. Because you know, and you have said, that people like to talk about themselves. I thought that my messages — since they were asking about her and topics she likes (i.e., relating) — were adding value. So how come asking someone a question about themselves doesn’t count as adding value? To put it another way, what’s the difference between relating and adding value, and why doesn’t relating count as adding value?

Relating is about sharing something in common. That being said, just having something in common doesn’t make a woman like you. She may feel as though you like her because you share that thing in common, but remember, she did not reach out to you. And she still knows very little about you.

Adding value (by sharing a fun fact or something similar) serves to relate without being as obvious. It’s not even like saying, “I like what you like” and stating the semi-obvious. Instead, you demonstrate that you know things about something she cares about.

Once she realizes you know something about a topic she’s emotionally invested in, you become way more interesting. She wants to know how you know this and what other things you have in common.

Ultimately it’s about mystery and sexual tension.

Having interesting things to say that are valuable to her adds value. She’ll want to find out if there’s more where that came from. And because that is so attractive, it leads to sexual tension. Sexual tension is that feeling of attraction or desire that grows when two people are physically interested in each other but haven’t yet acted on it. You want to build that feeling as much as possible so that when you ask her out, she’ll say yes in a heartbeat.

Beyond the First Dating App Text

I know that you suggest very specific ways to add value for the first dating app text (e.g., “Did you know…”). But I’m assuming that in other situations, like on a date or with a long-term partner/friend, there are many ways to add value. So can you please tell me various ways that you can add value? Again, I now understand what adding value is for initial dating app texts, but it would help me to see a more comprehensive list of various other types/examples. When I see multiple, different ways of adding value, it helps me understand the concept more.

I get that. Ok, here’s your list! Different ways of adding value include:

Creating a unique experience, especially one that helps her feel, not think.

I tell my clients to really think about this when they craft their date ideas. What does she love or get the most excited about? It doesn’t have to be anything complicated. Let’s say she loves bulldogs. Taking her to a bulldog meetup could totally melt her heart. Done.

Making her feel safe.

Do chivalrous things like opening the doors for her, giving her your jacket when she’s cold, paying for the date, dropping her off at her door, walking her home, walking on the outside of the street where the cars are, ordering her the Uber, waiting for her to get into the Uber… you get the idea. Why is this a good thing? Because 73% of women say chivalry isn’t dead! In fact, chivalry makes women feel cared for, as long as you’re not pushy or insistent about it.

Chivalrous actions make women feel safe because we’re wired to want to be protected. While most women are certainly capable of doing these things for themselves in their own lives, it still feels good when a man does it. Be sure to take advantage of this evolutionary fact.

Making her feel sexy and feminine.

Engage her by asking interesting questions. Do things to make her feel comfortable. Make the date fun and playful. Make her laugh. All of these things set a tone for your interaction that she won’t forget easily.

So many guys approach dates with women by bragging about what they do for a living, the size of their house, or what kind of car they drive. But that’s not what she’s looking for. Flirting a little and getting a playful back-and-forth going will draw out her feminine energy and not make her feel like she needs to play the masculine role for things to move forward. Eventually, this builds sexual tension.

Being direct and reliable.

You can add value by suggesting a TDL (time, date, location) with your date proposals, for example. Asking her when she’s free or saying you guys “should go out sometime” doesn’t add value because it doesn’t make her feel cared for. Let her know you’re handling things by actually having a real date plan.

You could also underestimate and overdeliver. This actually helps her to feel safe. Knowing that you always have a solid plan and will exceed her expectations it easier for her to relax with you… which also stirs her feminine energy and attraction.

Performing acts of service.

Helping her solve a problem adds value. Doing acts of service also helps her feel safe because it gets her out of the masculine mindset of having to fend for herself. So pay attention to how you can help her out. Maybe she has a clogged sink or her computer is acting up. Anything you can do to make her life a little easier can go a long way.

Here’s a personal example of this:

Just the other day I needed help picking up a used table from someone off of Facebook Marketplace. I was scared to go to some randos house and didn’t have any idea of what tools to bring to break the table down. I asked my boyfriend of 9 years to help me. Even though he was super tired from a long day of work, he grabbed his tool set and jumped in the car with me to help.

This is a wonderful example of adding value by performing an act of service (that I really needed assistance with).

Being attentive.

You can add value by listening to what she says, remembering it, and then using the information in various ways later. For example, maybe she tells you that she loves this one band that plays locally sometimes. You could find out when their next event is and surprise her with tickets. Or maybe it’s your girlfriend and she says she always wanted to go up in a hot air balloon but never did. You could arrange it for her birthday that’s coming up. Being attentive means you recognize what’s important to her and let that help you make decisions that will delight her.

It’s Not Just About What They Want

Would you say that adding value is the same thing as giving someone what they want? Are those are two ways of saying the same thing or do you think adding value is different?

Not exactly. I want a Tesla but if some random guy I’d been with on a few dates bought one for me, I’d love the car but be weirded out by the guy, because it would be a gift given too soon.

It creates disharmony to give more than you receive (in all areas of life). So when I say adding value, it’s more about making the other person feel how they want to feel.

A woman wants to feel sexy, feminine, and protected. She always wants to laugh and have fun. If you can make her feel like this, you add value.

Dating and adding value on dating apps (or off) boils down to demonstrating that you can keep a woman safe (physically and emotionally). You demonstrate you can keep her safe when you act chivalrously (paying the bill, planning the date, opening the door, etc). Emotional safety means you won’t abandon her, that you will communicate with her, that you won’t deceive her, etc.

When Adding Value on Dating Apps is Misinterpreted

My intention is to add value. Sometimes I think I’m adding value on dating apps, but maybe what I intend is not received by the other person because I have a faulty understanding of what adding value means. I end up confused, lost, and not knowing why since I have no feedback. I don’t want to be an energy vampire but maybe I am. How does this happen?

You may be too fixated on yourself. I think we become energy vampires when we are more fixated on ourselves and our own motives than on other people. For example, I constantly struggle with this as an only child who had to kinda fend for herself. I never learned the proper give-and-take of relationships (at least not outside of my primary partner). You can see I’m doing the same here because every sentence begins with “I.” Ha!

Coaching teaches you how to look outside of yourself to make the person you’re dating happy. When she’s happy and feels good, you’ll be happy and feel good because the relationship will go where you want it to go.

The opposite side of this coin is a people pleaser. People pleasers have learned to be so helpful to others that they neglect their own needs. It probably stems from the same place, fear of inadequacy, but it manifests in, “How can I be helpful so the other person likes me/doesn’t abandon me?”

Want More About Adding Value on Dating Apps?

Obviously, this was a private conversation with just one person. You probably have more questions. With so many of us on dating apps, we all have different experiences. That means the best way to figure out your own dating situation is to do what this guy did — have a personal one-on-one with an expert.

Keep in mind, this article is only a start. You can much more easily understand ideas like “adding value on dating apps” when you see how they apply to your own life. Once you share with a coach exactly what you’re going through, you can see through real-life examples how adding value either makes a difference in your dating app experience.

My team and I at emlovz talk people through these concepts every day until they become second nature to you. Once you understand dating principles like adding value on dating apps, MegaDating, building sexual tension, crafting the perfect TDL, and more, you will build the tools and strategy you need to succeed at dating.

Sooner than you expect, you’ll find yourself staring into the eyes of the person who’s maybe not perfect, but perfect for you — and wonder how you could have settled for anything less. To get started with a one-on-one intro call and find out about our coaching and matchmaking programs, reach out to us today.