Dating apps not working for you? Let’s start with some numbers. Over 40 million Americans have signed up for dating applications. 27% of young adults are active users and those between the ages of 55-64 have seen a 6% user increase from 2013-2015.
Young, old, or somewhere in between, you can be certain of finding other singles online. With now over 30% of relationships starting with the assistance of a dating application it’s safe to say that the stigma of using dating applications has faded away –albeit not entirely.
But just because it seems like everyone else is succeeding on Tinder, doesn’t mean you are. If dating apps are not working for you there are a variety of steps you can take to turn your fortunes upside down. Let the online dating makeover begin!
Dating Apps Not Working for You? Try Using Active Applications
There are two things to keep in mind when choosing an application.
The first is whether or not the application is active in your area. Coffee Meets Bagel for example has a formidable presence in California –in particular, the Bay Area- but has little influence in the east. Each state has its favorite application. If you’re in Oregon you should use Bumble, but when you head over to NY you should invest more time in Tinder.
Not only does every state have its preferred application, but so do demographics. Tinder is the preferred application for users ages 18-24. If you’re in your mid-20s or younger, Bumble and Tinder are your best bets. After your college days are well and gone you’ll probably want to ditch the much-maligned “hookup apps” and opt for OkCupid, POF, Coffee Meets Bagel or the up and coming Hinge. These apps are geared towards users in the mid-late twenties and up to the mid-30s. Those ages 45+ should consider using eHarmony and Match.com.
Whatever your primary application may be, make sure you download and use 5 different dating apps. Not 4, 3, or 8. Five! My most successful dating coaching clients all use(d) five dating apps all at once. It’s enough not to overwhelm you, but it’ll allow you to use the “free versions” of each app whilst enabling you to hit your outreach metrics.
Naturally being on every dating app out there will yield the most matches. But it isn’t about quantity, it’s about scoring quality matches. There’s no point swiping around on Tinder if you don’t want to date someone 24 or younger. Limit yourself to no more than 5 dating applications. Casting a wider net will expose you to a variety of personalities and make sure that quality suitors don’t slip away.
Ditch The Selfie
After deciding which applications are right for you, it’s time to choose your photos. Photos are by and large the most important aspect of your profile. Dating apps might not be working for you because you haven’t invested enough time into choosing the right pictures.
Sidenote: Every application is superficial. It doesn’t matter how many prompts you’re forced to answer (looking at you OkCupid) – or how feminist you claim to be (Bumble) – users will still reduce who you are to the five or six photos you link to your profile.
Here are a few things to keep in mind when choosing photos:
- Upload no less than 4 and no more than 7
- You’re more than 43% more likely to receive a like (on Hinge) if you smile without teeth
- Candid photos get more love than contrived shots
- Selfies are unattractive, ditch them
- Make sure you and you alone can be seen in your first photo
- Include at least one photo of you performing a contact sport
- Tinder found that users obstructing their face with hats or glasses were 15% less likely to be swiped right on than users that abstained from obscuring their face
- Upload two group shots
- Red is universally sexy, keep that in mind
- Upload at least one picture of you on a trip abroad
- Revise your pictures to make sure you’re not wearing the same outfit in any two photos
Overwhelmed? If you’re not in the mood of combing through hundreds of photos looking for pictures that conform to the aforementioned criteria, then well, you don’t have to. Allow your female friends to commandeer your account and choose your photos for you. If you don’t trust the opinions of a few friends why not ask strangers?
Photofeeler.com is a photo testing tool that lets strangers rank your photos. Only select photos that have scored an 8/10 or better on photofeeler.com. Wait until photos have been rated at least 20 times so that you have an adequate sample size to go by.
Channel Your Inner Gabriel Garcia Marquez
You can’t walk onto a football field hoping to hit a 30-yard field goal if you’ve never practiced before. If you’re new to online dating –or have only now decided to exert dating- writing quality messages will come with time. Think of yourself as an author such as the great Garcia Marquez. This should be your aspiration. The journey towards literary excellence is best achieved with the help of an editor. This is where my Signature program comes in.
In the 3 month program you’ll learn how to craft compelling messages that compel women to respond. I’ll teach you how to find the most emotionally triggering information on a profile and craft a message informed by that information. You’ll also learn the most important aspect of an online dating conversation; the transition. With my help, you’ll learn how to effectively ask women out in a manner that yields a high success rate and much, much more. But enough about what could be, let’s assess the situation at hand.
Are you one of those guys that sends out the same message en masse? I’m not even referring to “hey” -which is, of course, a big no-no- but rather the same thoughtless message that could apply to any profile e.g. what’s you’re favorite…
Make each message personal. This can be done by including the person’s name along with a message that addresses something in their profile. If her profile gives you little to work with, ask a question that’s both stimulating and probing. If possible include a bit of humor in each message.
10-Message Limit Before Asking For A Date
Dating applications are tools used to meet potential romantic partners. However, users never experience their intended purpose if they never meet up with their matches. We need to understand that applications aren’t meant for building a rapport. Essays should not be written nor secrets shared. I impose a 10-message limit before asking the person on the other side of the screen out on a first date.
Dating apps should be used for introductions, nothing more. Sharing more than 10 messages within the application will lead to complacency. But realize that you’re not on the app in search of pen pals. The more messages exchanged, the less likely it is that you two will ever meet in person.
If a woman delays by not giving you her phone number or agreeing to a date, you’ll have to address her fears and prove your worth. Make a couple more jokes, ask a couple more questions, and improve your dating pitch. If you get a no again it’s possible that she’s the type of person who never meets up with people in IRL. Save yourself time by moving on to the next match.
Dating Apps Not Working? Use A TDL
TDL stands for time, date, location. It’s easier for a woman to say yes to going on a date when the specifics are laid out for her. A TDL makes the request to see each other outside of the application real. It provides tangible information that she can wrap her head around. Here’s an example:
“Hi Sara. I was thinking this Saturday at 11am we meet for coffee at WiseGuy’s and then hang out at Avila Park to get to know each-other better. You in? PS: There just happens to be yearly dog show event in the park at that time:)”
She’ll be thinking: Does 11am work for me? Do I really like this guy? It forces her to take you seriously. If she rejects the offer due to a TDL detail, you can simply change the time, date, location, or activity. If she keeps rejecting you, inform her that if she wants to go out with you, she can provide you with a time that works instead of you having to chase her around.
Make A TDL Sound Like A Once-In-A-Lifetime Offer
First dates, in general, won’t entail expensive dinners or eloping to Paris –especially if you follow my MegaDating blueprint. That being said you still need to make the TDL worthy of a yes. No one wants to get coffee at Starbucks for a first date. Hitting up Starbucks for her preferred coffee is something she does multiple times a week. Do something novel with her like hitting up Corgicon at Dolores Park or spectating the Dog Surfing Championship in Pacifica.
Think of date ideas that can’t easily be emulated. Think of yourself as a salesperson. Consumers are always more willing to purchase something if a deal on a product is being offered for a limited time only. Pitch your TDLs like this. Choose an event that is only happening for a limited time. Should she miss the event, she probably won’t get another chance to ever go again.
If you can’t find an event that only happens a few times a year, pitch her a date activity that she hasn’t done as of late. Many people have always wanted to take a scenic bikeride around San Francisco but have always found an excuse not to. Even if you’re inviting her to a coffee shop, make sure it’s one she doesn’t know of and that stands out among the rest.
Sell your TDL. If it’s just a park that you’re suggesting visiting, chalk the park up to be the coolest park in town. Remember that since it’s a first date, she’s probably not convinced of you yet. Help convince her to spend time with you by pitching an awesome date idea.
Dating Apps Not Working? Just Start Over Again
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just start over again? With dating applications, you’re able to press the restart button by deleting your account. Tinder for example up until recently used a desirability score (Elo score) to rate and pair certain users. Basically, the only factor that determined your score is how many people swiped right versus left to your profile. Scores like these can be wiped away by deleting your account and starting a new one.
Starting over again will only work if your profile has gone through a comprehensive makeover. This article has already outlined how to completely makeover your profile and kill it on dating apps, but this isn’t always enough.
When In Doubt, Hire an Expert
Hiring a dating coach will help you navigate through the world of online dating. Via 1-on-1 Skype sessions over a 3 month period, I’ll teach you how to select the best photos or take effective photos for your profile. You’ll also learn how to message women, ask them out, address objections, score lots of dates through dating applications, setup dates, diagnose those dates, co-create weekly action plans to help you find your next relationship, and much more. Using a coach is like a shortcut to success.