Constantly wanting someone you can’t have?
It’s true that you can’t always get what you want… and sometimes that might be a good thing.
This compulsion of wanting someone you can’t have isn’t healthy.
This feeling may be inspired by your own emotional attachment style or theirs.
Whatever the case may be, it’s worth getting to the bottom of.
As a dating coach for men that’s taught hundreds of men how to get past an emotional impasse, I know what causes men to obsess over a woman who isn’t reciprocating.
Let’s take a closer look at why you’re wanting some you can’t have and what to do about these feelings.
You’re not the only one that’s felt this way.
During my 100-date experiment, I too found myself gravitating towards men that were either distant or weren’t open to a relationship. In fact, the main reason I embarked on the experiment was to quickly get over this man that I couldn’t have.
I quickly learned that I wasn’t 100% to blame for wanting these people in my life.
It all stemmed from the relationships that shaped my attachment style.
Your attachment style is your specific way of interacting with others.
Attachment styles dictate the kind of relationships you’ll have. For the most part, your style takes form in your youth and is crafted as a consequence of the dynamic you have with your primary caregivers and those closest to you in your childhood.
As brains are most pliant in our youth and we’re at our most impressionable, these early relationships play an outsized role in shaping who we are.
There are three attachment styles.
The most popular attachment style, a secure attachment style is a consequence of growing up in a stable and loving household. People with this attachment style are easily able to make connections, trust, and love.
Those with an avoidant attachment style don’t allow themselves to get too close to anyone. Building an intimate relationship is difficult for them because they’ve been taught via prior relationships that those they love most will abandon them.
This insecure attachment style is characterized by an ever-present fear of abandonment. These people seek constant validation from partners and are known for clingy and needy behavior.
Let’s zero in on two insecure attachment styles.
You’re most likely to want someone you can’t have if you have an anxious attachment style. In childhood, your attachment style was shaped by flighty parents and loved ones. Love wasn’t readily available and as a result, as an adult, you’re always looking to others for that validation.
For those with an anxious attachment style, it can be easy to become infatuated with someone else even when those feelings aren’t reciprocated.
However, those with an anxious attachment style aren’t the only ones that are constantly wanting someone they can’t have.
Even those with secure attachments may fail prey to these feelings albeit less often.
If someone with a secure attachment style has dated and falls for a series of people with an avoidant attachment style, they too may feel like they always want someone they can’t have.
That isn’t their fault.
People with an avoidant attachment style are notorious for ghosting and not being able to open up to others.
After your attachment style — as well as theirs — have been identified you can take steps to address the pitfalls of these styles.
We seek out people with the same attachment style as our primary caregivers.
Naturally, we gravitate towards the people with the same attachment styles as our parents and guardians. In our minds we try to excuse the behavior of these new love interests, claiming, “well our parents acted this way so it must be fine.”
This is wrong.
Insecure is insecure.
You need to identify when a behavior is unhealthy and see out someone with a secure attachment style.
Constantly wanting someone you can’t have isn’t something everyone goes through.
Every once in a while we’ll feel down for yearning to be with someone that’s spurned us.
This feeling is normal.
However, if it becomes a pattern, it becomes a problem.
Identify it as such and aim to right your emotional wrongs.
Addressing relationships frailties now will create better romantic relationships going forward.
MegaDating is the act of dating people simultaneously.
It’s exactly what I did during my 100-date experiment.
There are plenty of benefits to MegaDating:
The reason you want every person you date so badly might be because you don’t go on many dates.
In your mind, you might be dealing with a scarcity problem.
By that, I mean that you think the dating pool is more shallow for you than other people. That you should thank the heavens for every date you go on and try your damndest to make each relationship work.
This is only the case because you don’t date very often.
Imagine how clingy you’d be if you went on multiple dates a week?
That’s what MegaDating can do for you.
In my dating coaching program you’ll learn to mine your social channels (friends, family, dating apps, gym, parties, etc.) to find compatible women to date.
As you tap these channels for single women, you’ll quickly fill your social calendar with dates.
The best way to get over someone you can’t have is to find someone even better.
That’s pretty easy to do when you have a carousel of dates.
Are you the kind of person that’s always seeking validation from others? The kind of person that isn’t happy if they’re not making others happy? The person that puts the needs of others before themself even to their own detriment.
If this is the case, you may have more trouble than others when it comes to rejection.
This constant need for validation will sting twice as hard when you’re snubbed by a new flame.
To stop being a sucker for the approval of others try these techniques.
Studies show that pausing for a moment before making a decision can help you improve your decision-making skills. Before automatically responding yes to another’s request, take a breath and give yourself a moment to make the decision you want to make.
Become more cognizant of when you’re lowering your quality of life in an attempt to make someone else happy.
Getting better at identifying these moments will mean that in the future you’ll be able to address them in the fashion you want when they arise.
When someone asks you to do something instead of immediately replying in a way that appeases them, simply say, “you know what I’ll get back to you.” Or even, “give me five minutes and I’ll let you know.” This buys you more time, allows you to manage your automatic response when it arises, and provide a satisfactory response.
Call out the behavior you don’t like.
If she takes forever to respond, is late to dates, and doesn’t give you the time of day you only have so many options.
1) Ditch her
2) Carry on
3) Talk it out
If you ditch her you’ll lose someone you care about.
If you carry on things won’t get better.
The only healthy option is to talk it out. She may not know how her actions are impacting you. Don’t expect her to be a mindreader. Humans especially new flings, are notoriously poor at reading minds.
She might be pulling away because she feels as though you don’t like her and she doesn’t want to get hurt.
Disarm this defense mechanism by having a very real conversation.
When discussing what you’re annoyed with, do so by only using “I” statements.
For example:
I feel neglected when we don’t communicate for long periods of time.
I would like to see you more often.
These statements sound a lot better than, “you never text me” or “you never make an effort to see me.”
After you’ve made it known how you feel it’s time to tell her what you want.
Express your desires and provide concrete ways she can change.
This is the only real way to both change a relationship and know if she cares.
Are you ready to date?
Is your work or personal life getting in the way of building amazing romantic relationships?
Only you know if you’re ready to start dating again.
Be honest with yourself.
Only start dating when you’re ready to open yourself up to others.
It’s okay if you’re not 100% over an ex — as long as you’re ready to make a meaningful connection, you’re ready to date.
Now it’s time to implement the steps we’ve just discussed.
However, I realize that rewiring your brain and breaking bad habits isn’t something you want to go through alone.
Book a new client session with myself or a member of my team here to learn more about how my dating program can help you.
During your new client introduction session, you’ll provide a snapshot of your dating history and see whether my program might be an effective mechanism to refine your dating ability and attract higher-quality women.