Have you ever had a stress dream? I had one last night. In the dream, I was hosting Thanksgiving for upcoming The Bachelor lead, Colton Underwood, and his gaggle of contestants. Colton was dissolving into tears (as is his wont) and every female was either giggling at hyena levels of intensity. That, or they were accusing one another of talking s**t. When I awoke in a cold sweat it occurred to me that maybe I’ve watched the new Bachelor promo one too many times.
Gobble, Gobble Up This New Bachelor Promo
Hey guys. Happy Thanksgiving! Ok, if you’re reading this, Thanksgiving has come and gone. However, it is currently Turkey Day as I write this. I just popped my green bean casserole in the oven and needed a break from the stress. I had to use a handheld can opener for this casserole endeavor. If you’re wondering about how far my kitchen prowess extends, I had to Google “how to use a handheld can opener.”
Anyway, if you’ve read my other articles you know that I was a bit salty about Colton being crowned this season’s lead. But after watching this new Bachelor promo, I think I’ve changed my tune. This is just the glorious trainwreck I need to serve as my escapism during those chilly January nights. Take a look!
Let’s break this down, shall we?
Are We Still in Paradise?
Wait…is this paradise or Malibu?
Did Chris Harrison quell Colton’s endless sobs by telling him “Hey, you’re gonna be the Bachelor, get your S together,” prompting Colton to rinse off all the emotional upheaval?
Cue all the contestants going into heat, talking about how they want to “rub oil” over Colton’s six-pack and erupting into wails. Oh my…
FYI, fellas, don’t get intimidated by this shot. You don’t need to be really, really, really ridiculously good-looking to make women shriek over you. And, also, I think it might be a red flag if a woman starts yelping at you like a lioness that just spotted a gazelle. Moreover, keep in mind that a good percentage of these women are hoping to nab some Instagram endorsements for colon cleansing tea or something post-show.
Fun New Bachelor Promo Drinking Game!
If you have nowhere to be tomorrow or don’t mind waking up with a colossal hangover, here’s a fun new Bachelor promo drinking game for you and your friends!
Take a shot every time someone says “virgin” or “virginity.” Yes, this is only a minute and a half promo, but I guarantee you that things are going to get lit. Let’s look at just a few examples of Colton’s omnipresent virginity being mentioned:
“The last time I dated a virgin I was 12.”
“I am…a virgin.”
“You could lose your virginity this week.”
“Could Colton lose his virginity in Singapore? Maybe!”
That’s four times Colton’s virginity is mentioned in less than 10 seconds. So if we’re all playing this game, we’ve already had the equivalent of four drinks in less than a minute.
Can you imagine how many times they’re going to mention his virginity during the season? God protect our livers…
Emotional Breakdowns Are in Season
Of course, the last leg of this promo involves everyone screaming at each other and/or crying their mascara/one layer of skin off.
It’s basically just a montage of everyone either accusing each other of being a liar, Colton saying he’s “scared” while sobbing harder than I did at the end of The Notebook, and a cacophony of women hyperventilating.
But then things go from intense to “WTF just happened?!”
Taking a Leap
At the end of the promo, we see Colton storming off, saying “I’m f****in’ done!” with the tone and cadence of a 16-year-old who just had his car taken away for the weekend because he broke curfew.
Then, Colton does something that I have never seen before in this franchise. He VAULTS over the fence of the Bachelor mansion. Homeboy decided to excuse himself from this narrative in one solid leap.
That scene is equal parts impressive and hilarious. Even Chris Harrison had to be bleeped at that moment.
Alright, I know I was salty about ABC choosing Colton as the new Bachelor initially but I am officially excited. If this Bachelor promo is any indication, it looks like this season is going to be ridick in all the best ways.
Images: Giphy (2)