Episode 7 of this season’s The Bachelorette on ABC came with several highlights, the most talked about moment being given to former NFL player Colton Underwood’s big confession — he’s a virgin.

Although my feelings on this resulted in little more than widened eyes (I mean, to say this is a good-looking and charming dude would be an understatement) and a shrug, apparently ABC and some of this season’s contestants decided to treat this bombshell as a dramatic, potentially relationship-ending piece of news.

In all honesty, I don’t really get why Colton’s virginity is such a huge deal. Yes, sex is a really important part of a relationship, but so is sexual health. Colton telling Becca he is a virgin is basically synonymous with him telling her, “Hey if we ever do it, I can give you a 100% guarantee that you won’t get herpes, or any STD for that matter.” Sounds like a pretty good deal to me!

Also, if Colton wins this season (he’s totally not going to, but just for fun, let’s play hypotheticals for a minute), he is supposed to get engaged to Becca. If he’s going to have sex with anyone, it’s definitely going to be his fiancé, so Becca won’t have to worry about never getting physical with this person. Sure, he may need a little guidance in the beginning, but he’s a football player — he knows how to make moves.

Plus, he’s 26, not 46, I think everyone can chill out about the virginity thing. Of course, what I think wasn’t really relevant during this episode. So, without further adieu, let’s recap it, shall we?

Beginning of Episode: Snarky Suitors

Becca tells Chris Harrison this:

“I can easily say I am falling in love with a couple guys right now.”

Wow, guess that sucks for the four that you’re not falling for, but moving right along…

Wills and Jason are sitting on the couch being the picture of perfection as I plot my descent into their DMs should they get the boot.

Colton gets the first one-on-one and both Blake and Garrett immediately devolve into the cast of Mean Girls by talking about how “no one” can picture Becca with Colton and that he was not expected to get a one-on-one. Ummmm, have any of them noticed that Becca practically goes into heat each time Colton catches her eye?

No judgies, just sayin’…

Anywho, the topic of Colton’s virginity comes up the second Becca and Colton exit. Of all the guys, Garrett is decidedly the most flabbergasted over the fact that the last time Colton had a firsthand experience with a vagina was during his birth.

Yes, sex is an important part of a relationship, but I never thought that being given the news that you have a 100% chance of NOT contracting chlamydia from someone was on par with finding out you need to donate a kidney next week.

Garrett called Colton’s virginity a “skeleton in the closet.” This is from the guy who “mindlessly” liked a bunch of sexist, transphobic, xenophobic, and racists memes. And this is also the guy who, whenever the topic of why his marriage ended after two months and if he did anything wrong, gives us this:

Disclaimer: I don’t know Garrett. He’s getting a lot of flack for good reason, but many of the other guys seem to think he’s a good guy, including angel-sent-from-heaven, Wills. So I have decided to critique him — as far as recaps go — exclusively as how he is portrayed on the show. But, honestly, he is not impressing me RN with his Clueless-style virgin shaming.

Rock Out With Your Conch Out

So now that Colton has been properly shamed for keeping his Johnson hidden securely in his jeans at all times, it’s time for him and Becca to go on their date, which starts with Becca going into heat like my cat would if she hadn’t already gotten fixed.

Becca: Colton is a bronzed God. He’s a block of muscle. I could get used to that. He could just pick me up and do WHATEVER.

Hahahahaha.

It turns out the Colton and Becca’s date involves diving for conch shells and the minute that a word that slightly resembles “cock” comes up, Becca devolves into a 12-year-old (much like I would) and finds every opportunity to make a sex joke related to the conch shells. Here’s just a few of her winners:

“I could use some conch.”

“I hope Colton dives deep for that conch.”

“OMG SOOOO MUCH CONCH!!”

“My conch is ready for action.”

“Colton really knows how to work that conch.”

When Becca and Colton are at dinner, the time has come for Colton to reveal his big secret, but not before Becca throws in a few more innuendo-laden comments about conchs.

Colton: Those suckers were deep.

Becca: And they’re heavy…

Becca literally said “And they’re heavy” with the same exact tone and cadence as Jon Travolta during “Summer Nights” in Grease where he loses his erection at approximately 3:38.

Anyway, this is the moment where Colton has a big conversation with him about his virginity. He explains that he hasn’t had many relationships due to putting his professional life in front of his personal life.

Colton: I’m still a virgin. I’m not waiting for marriage, I’m waiting for the right heart. But yeah, I’m a virgin.

Becca: EXCUSE ME JUST A SECOND.

And then she leaves…to go to the bathroom.

Viewers watching the show got the feeling that Becca had walked away to debate whether or not she should continue dating Colton in response to his “bombshell,” but it turns out that her supposedly hasty exit was the product of editing. She was simply getting up to go to the bathroom and had zero issues with Colton’s virginity, as was confirmed by both the Bachelorette and the former NFL player.

Colton gets a rose, because of course he does, and the world keeps spinning.

But Back at the Hotel, the Shaming Continues

So Blake and Garrett (mostly Garrett) are continuing to gab about Colton’s virginity and the fact that they highly doubt Becca will keep him around since the most she can probably hope for on this date is some over the sweater action.

Garrett: I’d never put a ring on it if someone was a virgin. You need to know what you’re getting into.

Wow Garrett, I’m learning all sorts of things about you tonight. And for the record, yes, sex is very important in a relationship, but what if Becca suddenly revealed she was a virgin? Would you just up and peace out of this show after claiming to be all about wanting a future with her? I can’t with this guy tonight.

Later on, Garrett once again talks about his ex-wife, where he did everything 100% right and she was basically a succubus with rage issues, as far as he’s concerned.

Now, to be fair, this could all be true, but it just comes off as a little suspect that we don’t hear Garrett acknowledge ONE SINGLE THING he could have done differently in the relationship or any type of fault he’s ever had when it comes to dating. No one’s perfect. Just sayin’.

Spilled Tea and Other Thoughts

Speaking of spilled tea, Garrett isn’t the only one who tends to let it all out when it comes to people in his personal life. Blake also decided to let Becca in on the fact that his parents got a divorce because his mother had an affair with his high school basketball coach/English teacher.

Look, I know that he and Becca are at a point where it’s important to be honest and vulnerable during conversations, but do you think his mom really wanted all her dirty laundry aired on national television? Oomph.

My other thoughts on this episode include:

-I was very happy to see that the Baha Men are still getting work and NO, I’m not being sarcastic.

-Leo got eliminated, which — as much as I love Leo — was not a surprise. However, could the production team have arranged for someone to come scoop Leo up and sail him away so that he didn’t have to watch Becca, Jason and Wills sail off into the sunset? The poor boy had to just kick up sand and dip his toes in the water until the three of them were out of sight.

-Jason and Wills are the purest people on this show.

-Wills getting eliminated was the saddest thing that’s happened on this season so far (other than David assaulting our eyes and ears with his chicken suit entrance), and I am Team #WillsforBachelor all the way.

Other than that, I think the rest of my thought can be pretty much summed up by this episode of The Bad Chiller starring former Bachelorette contestant and former Bachelor/my future ex-husband, Nick Viall. If you haven’t seen this before, what is your life? Get to it!

Images: Giphy (3)