Horrible new dating trend alert! Last week, I chatted about the dating dos and don’ts that were showcased during the season premiere of The Bachelorette. I talked about how one contestant looked like Crazy Eddie from Friends and how one made me question humanity by wearing a chicken suit and screaming “BECCAW” at bachelorette Becca Kufrin. This week I’m going to talk about something even more disturbing — the latest dating trend known as “stashing.”

Stashing occurs when the person you are in an exclusive relationship with stashes you away. They don’t share any information about your relationship on social media and they will hide you from friends, family members, and co-workers.

This dating trend most definitely sucks and feels like garbage. Fortunately, there are several telltale signs that the person you’re dating is stashing you away, or would be the type of person who is prone to stashing.

When I was in my early twenties (OK, let’s be real, it lasted until I was 27), I had a penchant for men who had a problem with commitment and were giant douchebags. Dating them wasn’t fun at all, but it did teach me a lot and has helped me to recognize oodles of red flags. I was a victim of stashing on more than one occasion. Thankfully, I’m done with all that nonsense, but dating a string of duds allows me to give you tons of insight so you don’t go through the same thing.

You. Are. Welcome.

Stashing Sign #1: They Don’t Post About You on Social Media

The only the exception here is if the person you’re dating doesn’t have social media or just plain never updates any of their accounts.

But if the person you’re in a relationship with is active on social media, it would make sense that they would update their relationship status and post about you from time to time.

Now, I’m not saying that the person you’re dating has to post about you constantly to confirm that they are into you. In fact, if your girlfriend’s entire Instagram account is a timeline of each and every activity you do together, that’s strange and she needs to calm down. At the very least, tell her to throw in a cute cat picture of a meme once in a while.

But I digress…

I dated a guy one time who had a Facebook account but wouldn’t even allow us to be friends on Facebook. He said that he didn’t like people “in his business” and simply wasn’t about “advertising his dating life” on social media.

Guess what? It turned out that he had major commitment issues and we broke up.

Sign #2: You Haven’t Met Any of Their Friends, Family or Colleagues

If you just started dating someone, it makes sense that you wouldn’t know the people in their life. There can also be a lot of pressure when it comes to meeting the parents, so it’s understandable that you and your partner would want to wait at least a few months before throwing the family into the mix.

However, when a certain period of time goes by, the person you’re with should want to introduce you to the important people in their life. If they don’t it’s a big red flag.

In some cases, someone who stashes you might introduce you to people they know a couple times but then regress. I had been dating a guy for a while and — although I met some of the friends in his life initially — that soon ended. He started going out to group events without me and had absolutely no interest in meeting each other’s parents. I was not invited to company Christmas parties or any type of work event.

When somebody has gone far enough to call you their girlfriend or boyfriend, but won’t bring you around to social events, that’s a big red flag. By not introducing you to friends and family, they’re able to keep the relationship at arm’s length, which is unfair, to say the least, and will ultimately make you unhappy in the relationship.

Sign #3: They Love Bomb You in the Beginning

You may be wondering, “Tracy, why have you dated the same type of jerk more than once?”

First of all…I ask myself this same question all the time.

And SECOND of all, stashing behavior tends to sneak up on you. Sometimes the biggest commitment-phobes and worst partners are also the ones that are extremely charming and seem completely smitten in the early stages of dating.

In every situation where I’ve been stashed during a relationship, it was with someone who initially wanted to move very fast.

People with commitment issues can also be infatuation addicts. They get extremely excited during the initial stages of dating and want to put a label on things very quickly. Once the reality of the relationship sets in, they lose interest and will start stashing you or do other things that leave you feeling like crap.

If someone says one or more of the following things to you when you first start dating, consider it a red flag:

“I’ve never felt like this in my entire life.”
“You’re so perfect.”
“I’m in love with you.”
“I could see myself with you forever.”
“I’m canceling all my dates for you.”

There have been a few times I became exclusive with someone when I wasn’t quite ready because that person was so insistent. Rushing the relationship turned out to be a bad idea 100% of the time. I learned quickly that you should always go with your gut and take time to get to know someone before diving into an exclusive relationship.

It should be noted that people who love bomb you and push a relationship label may also be manipulators. Most of the guys I dated who had commitment issues weren’t manipulative, but a couple ended up showing some very scary sociopathic tendencies. This is another big reason you need to take your time getting to know someone before committing.

At the outset, manipulators can be extremely charming and will find ways to mirror the things you want in a partner. But when they turn on you (and they will eventually), it can be painful and even dangerous.

Sign #4: They Get Angry When You Confront Them

Irrational anger is always a red flag in relationships. If you ask the person you’re dating about why they are hiding you and they get angry, it’s a really bad sign. Often times, manipulative people will be angry and even try to turn the situation around so that you feel like you need to apologize, even though you did nothing wrong.

Remember that first d-bag I mentioned that I dated? When I asked if I could post a picture of him and me on Facebook he basically threw a tantrum and stormed out of the room.

Yeah, maturity wasn’t his strong suit…

You should never feel like broaching a subject with your partner is going to result in them yelling at you or trying to turn the tables. Two of the most important things in a relationship are trust and respect. If you aren’t being respected in a relationship, that’s not the right person for you.

Sign #5: They’re Secretive About Their Past

It’s a really sketchy sign if someone doesn’t let you in on their past or what happens in their lives outside of your relationship.

Some guys I dated simply kept me hidden from friends and family because of commitment issues, but one time things got a bit more sinister. There was a man I dated who was extremely secretive about his past. He talked about friends, but only in vague terms and I never met them.

Because he didn’t have the best relationship with his family, I understood why I wasn’t meeting them, but he was also very vague about what the actual issues with his family were. He also seemed to know most people on a surface level and the deeper relationships he spoke of had ended because “that person screwed him over.” No matter what the reasons were, he never took responsibility for things that went awry and had a “me against the world” type of mentality. 

Down the road, this guy showed a lot of narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies. I got out of the relationship safely, but it was definitely a scary experience.

If someone is not letting you in on anything in their history or it feels sketchy, trust your gut. I’m not saying that everyone who is private about their past is a psycho, but you should never ignore red flags like this. Always protect yourself first and foremost and don’t ignore your instincts.

The Opposite Can Be Just as Bad

While dating stashing is heinous, the opposite can be just as bad. If someone is trying to accelerate your relationship status at breakneck speed, this is also a major red flag. I remember dating a guy who seemed dead set on getting a wife and mother of his children ASAP. His aggressive persistence is ultimately what ended the relationship.

Here’s a brief breakdown of what happened in our relationship and made it crumble:

On the first date, he talked about how much he wanted to start a family and get married. You really don’t need to bring up subjects that like that until the third date in my opinion. Clearly, I was very attracted and interested in him, so I kept dating him, but in hindsight, this was a big red flag.

We started dating a couple weeks before Valentine’s Day. Knowing how to handle the big V.D. when you’re still in the early stages of dating can be awkward enough, but to add even more pressure, he told me that he planned to take me on a double date with his brother and his brother’s fiance on Valentine’s Day. Restaurant reservations were made before I even had a chance to agree to this — seriously.