Men can be quick to question a woman’s behavior in the early stages of courtship — especially if she talked about her ex on a first date.

I get it. Mentioning the ex can be one of those awkward moments that makes your ears perk up and your stomach turn at the same time. Why is she talking about him? And most importantly, is it a red flag?

First, I’ll say this: We all do weird stuff on dates. Despite all the dating articles out there explaining how to make a great first impression, we all end up with spinach in our teeth, tell a joke that falls flat, ask a question that’s a little too personal … or even talk about our ex once or twice. 

It happens. That said, if she talked about her ex on a first date, it could be a cause for concern. He may still be relevant to her — which spells bad news for you. So where’s the line between someone who says something a little “off” because they’re nervous and trying to make conversation, and someone who’s either stuck on their ex, or worse, playing a mind game?

Hopefully, you remember the context and how she said it. Here’s a look at some ways you could interpret the situation if she talked about her ex on a first date.

When It’s NOT a Red Flag That She Talked About Her Ex

Just because she talked about her ex on a first date doesn’t mean it’s automatically a problem. If your situation is like any of these below, then you shouldn’t have to worry.

You Asked Her About Her Ex

Let’s start with the obvious: Did you ask her about him? Sometimes it can be hard to remember all the nuances of the conversation, so think back. If you asked the question, you can’t blame her for simply answering you. 

I totally understand this, by the way. It’s not always a bad thing to lay your cards on the table — especially if you’re a mature dater and watching out for excess baggage. Still, she may never have thought about venting until you gave her the chance. 

While it’s good to know people’s relationship history, you might want to get to know her personality and look for other types of red flags before you open the door to “ex” talk. 

Instead, pay attention to things like: Does it seem like she has a hard time regulating her emotions? Does she contradict herself? Is she rude to the restaurant server? Plenty of other details on a first date can let you know if she’s bad news before you dive straight into ex-boyfriend territory.

She Mentions Her Ex Briefly and With Confidence

Even if she did mention her ex without being asked, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a bad thing. Maybe she just didn’t think to avoid it because there’s nothing to hide. 

Think about how she talked about her ex. First, how long did she stay on the topic? If 15 minutes went by and she didn’t even take a breath, then that’s not good. But if she just brought him up for two seconds and quickly moved on, I wouldn’t worry.

Also, did she seem confident when she talked about him? Any defensiveness or anger on her part might signal she hadn’t totally gotten over it. On the other hand, if she seemed calm and decisive, she’s probably fine. 

Finally, try to figure out if she has a secure attachment style. Women who are securely attached (if you don’t know what this means, see this post on attachment theory) will have fewer unhealthy behaviors in their relationships and will handle breakups better. Signs of a securely attached woman include: She doesn’t get jealous, she can empathize with others, she can stay civil when talking about controversial or heated topics, and is comfortable opening up.

She Focuses on What She’s Learned

Talking about your ex in an overly emotional way might look suspect, but it makes sense if you’re explaining what you’ve learned. 

When she talked about her ex, did she mention any good takeaways? How did she grow from the breakup, and how did it affect her dating life going forward? If she told you these things, then it’s not entirely accurate to say “she talked about her ex on a first date.” It’s more like, she mentioned her ex while she was telling you about her growth journey. Big difference!

When It’s a Big Red Flag and It’s Time to Bail

Of course, sometimes it is a bad sign when a woman talks about her ex so soon. Here are some examples of times when you should run for the hills.

She Talks About Her Ex Multiple Times Within the Hour 

The more times she brings him up, the worse it is. Think about it this way: You don’t repeatedly talk about someone you don’t have an emotional connection to. She might not be used to thinking of herself as truly on her own yet, separate from him. 

If she’s in that emotional state, she could have been reminded of her ex over and over again throughout the night, since their shared opinions and experiences are so fresh in her mind. It’s even worse if there were tears.

It Was Really Hard to Get Her on the Date in the First Place 

Did she make a ton of excuses before finally going on the date with you? If she dragged her feet before finally going out with you — and then she talked about her ex on a first date — you just got a hint as to why she was so hesitant in the first place.

I’m all for dating persistence but I’m also a firm believer that you need to set a limit on how much you pursue one woman, especially if she doesn’t give you a clear yes from the beginning. Here’s some advice in that department: When asking for a date, come up with a compelling date idea and give her a TDL (time, date, location). If she hems and haws, or gives you multiple reasons why she can’t, tweak your TDL and try again — but only two more times, max. 

It shouldn’t take more than three tries to get her to say yes to your date idea (that is, if she’s interested in you). That said, if it did take three tries to get her to go out with you, watch and listen closely on the date for cues that she’s truly into you, just to make sure.

She Didn’t Want to Meet You in Her Neighborhood

Did she balk at the idea of you setting up the date near her home? If she did this and then mentioned her ex, they may even still live together. She could be legitimately broken up with him, but if they’re still in the same household, they’re still in the process of finalizing the breakup. You don’t want to go out with someone who might be going home to another dude. It’s one thing if he’s only her roommate, but if it’s an ex, that’s a whole other ballgame. 

If she’s acting sketchy about being seen near her home, look for other signs that she’s possibly being dishonest. Maybe she changed the subject when you asked about her place, or you’ve caught her contradicting herself about other things.

They Had a On-Again, Off-Again Relationship

She might have said her previous relationship had a lot of “ups and downs,” that they “tried to make it work a few times” or “kept coming back to each other.” If she was on-again, off-again with her past boyfriend, there’s a chance that she’s not done with him and you’re meeting her on their “off” period. 

You can still hang out and support her, but manage your own expectations. Don’t become a doormat for her to whine about her ex to. Having been on-again, off-again with her ex can be especially problematic if she says the “breakup” was recent. Which leads me to the next sign…

They Just Broke Up

Remember how long it took you to get over the last woman you loved and lost? Chances are, if she and her ex just broke up, she could be feeling the same way: Sad, afraid of ending up alone, and wanting something (or someone) to make her feel better.

Of course, she could have broken up with him rather than the other way around. But often these situations aren’t cut and dried. Technically she might have left him, but actually regrets it. (Women do initiate most divorces, but not non-marital breakups, according to this study.) And most people will downplay their pain over a breakup when they’re telling someone new about it. So if the breakup is fresh, don’t get too excited about this one.

She Pulls Out a Picture

Um… I shouldn’t have to explain this. If she talked about her ex on a first date and pulled out her phone to show you what he looks like, then I’m sorry, you’ve got a major problem on your hands.

Why would she even do this, you ask? The real reason is because he’s on her mind and she doesn’t really care about how it comes across to you. But on the surface, she’ll give you any number of reasons. The worst one is if he’s an actor, baseball player, or some other type of well-known person. “I used to date so-and-so from that reality show on E!, lemme show you…” Whenever this happens, run.

She Talked About Her Ex on a First Date: Wrap-Up

Dating isn’t easy, thanks to situations like this where you have to judge whether someone is being upfront with you. It sucks, but you want to take your time and analyze the situation before wading too deep into dangerous waters. You don’t want to give someone your heart who already gave theirs to someone else.

And, if you do make a mistake and the worst-case scenario happens (she’s still with her ex) let this one go and make sure you’re fully MegaDating. This means keep your options open and line up as many dates as you can, simultaneously, so you don’t get stuck on any particular woman. This will raise your confidence level and make it so much easier to be honest with yourself when you see red flags like this. Master MegaDating, and the dating world is your oyster!

There are so many nuances to MegaDating and how to make it work for you. And to be truthful, online articles don’t really cut it. If you’re interested in finding out how to recalibrate your entire dating mindset so you can truly attract and enjoy multiple, high-quality dates in an amazingly short timeframe, book a Skype consultation with me today. I’ve led countless men through the process of reinventing their dating lives and can do the same for you.