Who is this woman who has set up shop in a formerly unoccupied corner of your brain?
Is she an unrequited love, a Bumble fling, or some girl you’ve been lusting from IG?
Every situation calls for different actions. That being said, if any woman you know has morphed into an unhealthy muse, it’s best that you mitigate your obsession.
While infatuation is characterized by incessant thoughts about the person you’re interested in, there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed. If these thoughts plague your everyday, you should look into finding a remedy. I’m not necessarily advising cutting this woman out of your life. However, I am a proponent of limiting the time you spend thinking about her. If you claim that “I can’t stop thinking about her” here are some things to take into account.
I Can’t Stop Thinking About Her – Let’s Talk
Leaning On Her Emotionally
We have a tendency to rely on someone for all of our emotional needs when we feel lonely. Perhaps you just moved to a new town or have been in a rut as of late. So you find this amazing woman who you vibe with and start obsessing over her. But are these omnipresent thoughts warranted? Is she actually your soul mate (.010% chance that’s the case) or are you just putting all your emotional needs on her back?
When we lack social interaction we have a tendency to latch onto the first person that shows us affection. Instead of parceling emotional duties out to friends, family members, and lovers, we look to our newfound romantic interest to fulfill all of our emotional needs.
The issue is that the modern romantic culture has brainwashed us into thinking that our partners must be a best friend, great listener, lover, etc. all in one. At some point your lover will break under the pressure of trying to handle all these new roles.
The takeaway here is that to rid yourself of those thoughts, balance the load of emotional needs on the backs of various people instead of just one person.
I Can’t Stop Thinking About Her –Why Not MegaDate?
MegaDating is the practice of fishing everyday. Ya see, if you wake up early every morning to fish down at the docks you know you might not catch something; this is the reality of fishing. But since you persevere and fish everyday you know that it’s only a matter of time before you catch something that’s worth keeping. The same idea applies to MegaDating and it can help you lessen your dependence on any single woman.
MegaDating occurs when you go on various dates within a short period of time. The ultimate goal of MD is to find a partner. The reason why you’re so fixated on this one person probably isn’t because she’s head over heels better than the rest. If you practice MegaDating, you most likely went out with 10-15 women last month. It’s difficult to be fixated with that one person when you know that there are other, more compatible women out there.
Research & Define Your Attachment Style
How do you generally react in relationships? Are you the guy that runs away once you start feeling close to her or are you comfortable sharing your feelings with her? Identifying your attachment style will help improve your social relationships. Attachment styles come from attachment theory. This theory unearths why and how certain people react differently to certain relationships. There are three main attachment styles that need outlining.
Anxious Attachment Style
Children aren’t born with attachment styles, but rather develop them during the early stages of their youth. An anxious attachment style is likely to be demonstrated by an adult whose parents acted erratically during the adult’s childhood. These parents may at times care for their children, listen, and shower them with love. Yet other times they might be apathetic to the needs of their child. Such an attachment style manifests itself in an adult through clingy behavior. An anxious attachment style is demonstrated when someone is overly self-critical or has low self-esteem. “I can’t stop thinking about her” is a common refrain of many a person with an anxious attachment style.
Avoidant Attachment Style
As the name suggests, people with this attachment style avoid forming strong emotional bonds. But how does someone develop this way? It seems normal to want to build lasting relationships, but not everyone has an easy time doing so.
Avoidant attachment styles stem from traumas during one’s childhood. Perhaps sexual abuse, death, or another harrowing event took place that abruptly changed a meaningful relationship for the worse. This traumatic event will stay with the child into their adulthood affecting their social relationships as they age. Dating someone who has an avoidant attachment style will only ever show you a certain level of emotional intimacy. Once they feel like they’re getting too close, they may find a way to peel away or bring the relationship to a close.
Were things about to get serious with this woman you can’t stop thinking about? If a transition to a more substantial relationship prompted her to flee, she may well be someone with an avoidant attachment style.
Secure Attachment Style
People with secure attachment style grew up in stable houses full of love and affection. They had parents that responded promptly to the emotional needs of their children and gave them sufficient physical contact. Having cultivated their social skills in this environment they’re able to easily connect with other people. Should they be left alone for an extended period of time they don’t get anxious or feel the need to attach themselves to any one person.
Luckily most people have secure attachment styles. If you have a history of healthy and satisfying relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners, you have a secure attachment style.
7 Levels Deep Why Exercise
Exercising a Hinge date from your head isn’t always easy. Instead of letting her dictate your happiness, confront the demon inside by asking some pertinent questions.
The 7 Levels Deep why exercise forces you to reflect on why you feel the way you do. Recall any movie that involves an inquisitive little kid, and you’ll probably remember a scene where the child incessantly asks her parents “why ______?” This exercise is comparable to the child’s question and aims at understand your behavior.
Forcing yourself to take a moment to introspect will allow you to understand why she holds so much power over you. Oddly enough, confronting the nuisance in your mind head-on will decrease the amount of time you waste away thinking about her. Apply a little logic and you’ll soon answer the question of “why I can’t stop thinking about her?”
Reflect On Why You Feel This Way
The 7 Level Deep exercise is a step in the reflection process. Using divergent thinking means employing unique strategies in the attempt to evict the woman that lives upstairs.
Begin by reflecting on the date(s) you’ve been on with this woman. Assuming that you’re obsessing over her because she now refuses to talk to you, harken back to the date and comb through it to find any predictive signs of her behavior. Was there something that you did or noticed about her behavior that suggests why she doesn’t want to see you again.
Consider the decisions you’re making with the help of a decision flow chart. Sure it sounds plenty nerdy and kind of drastic, but it helps. Instead of allowing her to bounce around freely in her head, put the decision to obsess about her on paper where a light can be shined over it and be examined. Writing out an issue allows you to slowly ruminate on how it’s affecting you and how it can be overcome.
Focus On the Negatives of the Relationship
If you’re looking for a cathartic fix, focus on the negatives. Start, with an obvious statement (she’s not perfect) and work you way down. Does she warrant occupying so much of your time? Instead of glorifying her, take her down a notch of two by listing off everything that you don’t like about her. Ask yourself if you realistically see a future with her or if you’re just lonely.
Perhaps apart from her hobby of astrology there are few things you dislike about her. That’s fine. Start focusing on the aspects of her that you’re imagining are better than they really are. Maybe she’s just giving off the halo effect. This cognitive bias explains that focusing on one aspect of their personality or appearance can influence other aspects as well. A common bias is that we think beautiful people are also more moral, intelligent, and kind than ugly people. Engaging with your memories of her will help form a realistic understanding of how much you actually like her.
Stop Following Her Online
If she’s a normal human being she no doubt is active on Facebook, Instagram, and/or Twitter. You’re being reminded of her enough as is. You don’t need the constant reminders provided by social media to increase the frequency of those thoughts.
If you can only bear to unfollow her from one app, make it Instagram. A recent study conducted by the Royal Society for Public Health found that among popular social media apps, Instagram is the greatest detriment to mental wellbeing. Not only did the study find the app to be more addictive than alcohol and cigarettes, but its use of pictures makes users feel lesser than others. Seeing her flex a fake smile while out with friends will make you feel as though she doesn’t care about you. IG is a platform users use to post highlights of their lives. The photo rarely ever captures how happy the user is and only supplies a snapshot of their lives. Block her and put the phone away.
Do Something That Always Makes You Happy
Put your thoughts in the right headspace by going for a jog, watching a game with friends, or playing poker with friends until 3 in the morning. Enjoying yourself means that you don’t need to rely on her to make you feel good. Make yourself interact with something that demands your attention. The more stimulating the activity, the better.
Accept That It Isn’t Going to Happen
Maybe you’ve just suffered a breakup or the woman you’ve been dating told you she’d prefer to be friends.
In either case, it’s over – but have you accepted this reality?
If you don’t accept that it’s over you’ll hold onto hope that maybe, if you give her time she’ll change her mind. If you have hope, you can’t get over her.
If you really want to get over her you need to accept defeat. Only once you do this can you begin to move on.
If you think the door is still open and need closure, ask her to chat. Be very clear with your words and what you want and ask that she tell you the truth about how she feels. Just be ready to take a bullet to the heart.
Focus On You
There’s a massive void that she left.
An emotional, social, and time void that is now open.
It’s up to you to decide how you want to fill it. Some people embrace negative habits like gaming, binging, and poor eating. Others choose to learn a new language, hang out with friends of old, and volunteer.
It’s time that you channel this new time and nervous energy into something good. So join a gym, start that passion project, and really throw yourself into something you care about. Use the energy from this heartbreak to be a better you.
Dating Decoded
Interested in learning how we here at emlovz can help you stop thinking about her and find someone even better?
We teach our clients the shortcut to finding their ideal match by MegaDating. MegaDating is our dating philosophy and it shapes everything we teach here at emlovz. Simply put MegaDating is dating prolifically with the specific goal of going on 20 dates in 90 days. This will give you ample women to compare and contrast so you can refine not only your dating skills but also who your ideal partner is.
To teach you how to quickly find highly compatible women in just weeks and become the most eligible bachelor in town you’ll team up with romantic experts, each skilled in their own unique area to support you.
Our Team
- Emyli (me), co-founder, curriculum developer, head coach, and I host two coaching sessions every week
- Thomas, co-founder, and coach. He’ll lead the biweekly Man Cave event where men come together to talk dating, bond with one another, and support other single men
- Brooke, and Audrey are mock date specialists. Go on a practice date with them (and receive feedback) before your next date
- Darshil is a confidence coach, wingman, and all around great guy to have on your team. Once student, now a teacher he knows what you’re going through and how to get the most from your dating life
- Hailey is your new stylist. She’s worked with celebs from every industry and is now about to raid your closet
- Tilly is our holistic sex & intimacy coach. She’ll help you get the most out of your sex life so you and your partner are happier between the sheets
- Renee is our anxiety dating coach. As a licensed therapist she knows the steps needed to turn you into a cool, calm, and collected dater
- Mia is our social media expert. Revamp your Facebook and Instagram profiles with her help and start meeting women online
Our Community
And look, we realize that the single life can be difficult. If accepted into our coaching program, Dating Decoded, you’d be joining a community of supportive men and coaches who are there to listen, support, and encourage you as you navigate the single life.
Our program offers every student a lifetime membership (as if you’ll need it) so the support won’t stop until you’ve found your ideal partner.
If you’re ready to find your forever partner, book a Zoom session with our team today. Together we’ll talk about your dating history, your goals and show you how our program, Dating Decoded, can help you find your ideal partner.
Hear what’s going on in our clients’ dating lives.
