When you’re struggling in the dating world, it can be a big shot to your self-esteem. And when your confidence is in the pits, it can be easy to fall into a negative mindset, where you begin to question your appearance. If you’ve started to wonder, “Am I good looking enough to get a girlfriend?” or “Are my looks the reason I can’t get a girlfriend?” you’re not alone.
We usually associate concern over appearance with women, but research shows that men can worry just as much — or even more — about their looks.
According to a survey released by Today and AOL, “…men worry more about their appearance than their health, their family, their relationships or professional success.” If that isn’t enough to convince you that looks can be a big problem for men, other research has found that a majority of men have anxiety related to their body image, with many willing to sacrifice a year of their lifetime if it meant they had the body of their dreams.
But if you’re sitting around analyzing your flaws and thinking, “This [insert your decided image flaw(s) here] is why I can’t get a girlfriend” — think again.
There are several reasons that a person experiences roadblocks in dating, most of them having absolutely nothing to do with appearance. Yes, appearance is a part of the initial attraction and being really, really, ridiculously good-looking can make more women flock to you initially, but that’s not a determinant in whether or not you find a long-term relationship. Take a look below for some reasons you’re single — along with how your looks and perception of your looks affect this — and what you can do about it.
Reason #1: It’s Not So Much Your Looks as it is a Reflection of Your Health
We can’t all be Victoria’s Secret supermodels or Magic Mike cast members. And honestly, if we were, the world would be pretty boring. But sometimes your looks can be a reflection of deeper health issues — both physical and mental.
When you eat healthily and exercise, it’s not only the fat loss and increased muscle that makes you more appealing to women. A healthy diet and regular exercise affect your mood and overall happiness. A smaller waistline, better skin, and a more sculpted body can be a side effect of diet and exercise, but the way you feel about yourself is what will truly make women want to connect with and date you.
Don’t worry, you don’t need to start training for triathlons or adopt a raw vegan diet to feel good in your own skin. Exercising for as little as 30 minutes a day can reduce stress and anxiety. And when it comes to food, the following tweaks to your diet can greatly improve your mood:
- Eat whole foods or foods with a limited amount of ingredients. For example, an apple has one ingredient — an apple. You probably don’t want to live on whole foods alone, but paying attention to the ingredients labels on your foods and choosing those with as little processing as possible (hint: if you can’t pronounce one of the ingredients and it’s four or more syllables, there’s a good chance it’s not the healthiest choice) is important.
- Eat foods high in B vitamins, like avocados and almonds.
- Salmon and other types of fish and oils that contain omega-3 fatty acids are great for health and mood.
- Raw bar lovers can rejoice! Oysters are one of many foods high in zinc that have been shown to reduce anxiety.
- Pickled foods that have probiotic elements can relieve stomach upset and improve anxiety, as well. A bonus that comes with pickles is that they have very few calories, so you don’t need to worry about packing on the pounds by chowing down
- Avoid or limit your caffeine intake, as this can increase anxiety. If you’re a big coffee drinker, try to swap an excess amount of coffee for things like tea, particularly matcha, which gives you energy and also comes with a ton of health benefits.
- Moderate your alcohol intake. Alcohol has a ton of calories, which can increase weight (and decrease your self-esteem). Drinking too much can also lead to depression and anxiety. If you’re a moderate or social drinker, opt for the healthier drink options to keep calories low and your health at its best.
Another important component when it comes to diet is ruling out any food allergies or intolerances. Many people are lactose intolerant or have gluten sensitivities that can affect mood. Contact your physician if you’re concerned that you may have a food allergy or intolerance.
Reason #2: You Make a Physical Flaw a Centerpiece in Your Dating Conversations
Do you always point out the things that you don’t like about yourself? Maybe you receive a compliment from a girl and shoot it down immediately. You might also be the type to apologize for a perceived physical flaw during a date. For example:
- “Sorry I look like such a mess.”
- “I hate this shirt, sorry, I don’t know why I picked this.”
- “Sorry, I’m such a mess tonight. I need to get a haircut.”
- “I’m not sure what to order. I’m trying to eat healthy because I really need to drop a few pounds.”
- “No, you get the burger, you can handle it. I obviously can’t eat stuff like that without packing on weight.”
- “I think I’ll get the steak. I’m trying to put on some weight. I lift weights a lot but I’ve always just been really lanky.”
If the above statements made you think, “Wow, that guy sounds like a terrible time,” it’s because that hypothetical guy is. No woman wants to get dressed up and spend her Saturday with someone who is going to rag on themselves the entire time.
There’s a very thin line between playful self-deprecation and wallowing. One great example of taking a physical “flaw” and turning it into a positive is comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Hart has used his short stature as a punchline in several comedy specials and talked to Oprah about how his strategically making note of this feature kept other people from ridiculing him for it. Hart is also super confident and clearly has no trouble attracting women.
But when you take self-deprecating to a level that it becomes self-loathing, that’s a problem. When you point out your flaws in a Debbie Downer sort of way, it’s going to turn off women and — even worse — it could make them agree with you because deciding something is wrong with you can give way to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In an interview on The Ellen Degeneres Show, Kelly Clarkson talked about the one and only time she ended up walking on the date. Being that Clarkson might be the nicest celebrity on the planet, you know the date had to have been atrocious for her to pull a disappearing act. Her date proceeded to talk about how much he hated his height for an entire hour.
Instead of obsessing over your flaws, embrace them! No one is perfect, but having confidence is always attractive.
Reason #3: You Have a Fear of Rejection
Maybe you got rejected once and you’re convinced that it must be because you resemble a troll that lurks under a bridge. Or maybe you’re unconsciously avoiding dating opportunities due to a fear of rejection.
The truth is that getting rejected is actually a good thing. Rejection leads to growth and opportunities by forcing you to put yourself out there and face your fears.
Right now, since you’re reading this article, your fear is most likely coming from your mind telling you that you’re not good looking enough to get a girlfriend or succeed at dating. Admit it, use this article to make a plan, and move forward.
Plus when it comes to rejection, practice makes perfect, so the more you face rejection and take a risk, the less you will get rejected in the future.
Reason #4: You Don’t Do Things to Make Yourself Feel Sexy
Do you warm up before a date? I’m not talking about stretching or lifting weights. There are a few different ways you can make yourself feel more attractive before a date:
- Listen to music that makes you feel sexy.
- Get a new outfit or pick one that you feel attractive in and fits well.
- Wear a sexy cologne.
- Chat with friends or your local baristas an hour or so before the date so you go into the date feeling comfortable and social.
When you feel sexy and comfortable, you exude positive energy that women are more likely to be drawn to.
Reason #5: You Aren’t MegaDating
If you want to crush your dating goals faster and get a girlfriend, you need to start MegaDating. A lot of people remain hopelessly single because they’re fixated on “the one” and don’t put themselves out there.
MegaDating is a dating process that involves dating several different people at once in order to diffuse energy by keeping your social calendar full. This strategy isn’t about stringing a bunch of women along or being a “player” — quite the contrary. When you MegaDate, you’re simply going on dates with a lot of different people in order to avoid getting hung up on a single woman and settling for the mediocre.
Using this strategy also shows you that there truly are plenty of fish in the sea, which helps to alleviate anxiety and increase confidence.
Wrap Up: Am I Good Looking Enough to Get a Girlfriend
Still worried that your looks are holding you back from reaching your dating goals?
Like I mentioned above, if you focus on your improving your health, being positive, conquering your fears, doing things that make you feel sexy, and trying MegaDating….. you CAN be successful at dating?
Still don’t believe me? Then hire me.
As an experienced dating coach, I’ve helped dozens of men across the world find satisfying, long-term relationships. Anyone can find love (yes, anyone) when you strategically put yourself out there and use a plan of action.
Ready to get started? Head over to my calendar and book a 1-on-1 Skype session today. I also offer Dating Profile Services and a comprehensive online dating course that is designed to help you find a high-value girlfriend and stay out of the dreaded friend-zone.