“She left me for another guy! Will come back?” Brutal.
It can be difficult to think clearly when you have a hole in your chest in the shape of a heart.
Right now all you probably want to do is binge Rick & Morty and engorge on tacos (or however else you deal with heartache).
Although it seems lightyears away there will come a time when you want to move forward.
But what does that process look like?
Before you make any rash decisions, read the following.
It’s a tried and true step-by-step plan that will help you get over and get through your heartache.
She Left Me For Another Guy, What Now?
Take 2 weeks To Consciously Grieve The Loss Of Your Relationship
Getting left for another guy is akin to being stabbed in the heart… or thrown in a bubbling pool of acid.
Either way, it unequivocally sucks.
You’d love to just turn off those negative feelings like a light switch, but sadly, heartbreak’s a bit more complicated.
A wise person once said “you’ve got to feel it to heal it” and this much is true in breakups. Don’t try and jump on the dating apps to get back at her. Don’t try to stuff down the feelings or distract yourself so you don’t have to deal with it. The grief is already in your body and it needs to be felt, processed, and released.
If you don’t take this step, the trauma will come up in other relationships at the wrong times and will sabotage your ability to connect to a partner in the future.
Give yourself permission to be sad.
Crying is critical. Crying is our body’s natural release of painful emotions. We wouldn’t be built to do it if there weren’t a reason for it. It’s very healing to cry. You might even scream into pillows or throw a tantrum (solo), like a little kid.
All of these are helpful physical releases of painful, dense (negative) energy. Grieving in this way allows your nervous system to relieve itself of those difficult feelings, rather than storing them in the body, only to arise at a later date.
“Start doing the things you believe will make you feel better, because there’s a good chance they will. Go and see the friends you’ve neglected for a while. Sign up for the acting workshop or the competitive dog grooming classes you’ve always been interested in. Take a trip. Eat the foods you couldn’t order because your partner was allergic. Sleep in the center of the bed. Volunteer your time.”
If a mixture of tears and video games makes you feel better, indulge yourself. This is your time to grieve while simultaneously treating yourself to the things in life that make you happy to be alive.
Spend Time In Introspection Asking Yourself If She Really Was The Right One For You
Have you always been honest about your relationship?
Was it the rom-com romance you thought it was?
Ask yourself the hard questions, like:
— Where were troublesome things that weren’t being addressed?
— What role did she play and what role did you play?
She may have been to blame for falling for someone else, but what prompted her to do that in the first place?
Were you spending more time on work than on your relationship? Did you treat her differently in the courting phase than you do in the relationship? Were you in tune with her emotions? Were you both communicating about areas in your relationship that needed addressing?
While one partner may be at fault for stepping out of the relationship, it is improbable for such a thing to happen if there aren’t already underlying rifts. Spend time examining those rifts that you weren’t addressing in the relationship because they might provide insight into why things ended the way they did and what can be changed to improve your future relationships.
Not only this but chances are you’re holding onto quite a bit of anger. Moving on doesn’t mean vanquishing your anger, but at least mitigating it. You can do so by attempting to understand why they did what they did.
As psychotherapist and author, Ester Perel explains, why people cheat isn’t always so cut and dry.
I suppose this is something we all knew anyway, but when a study involving 35,000 students comes out, we can now say definitively that comparing yourself to other people — especially via SM — can only make you sad.
Comparing yourself to the man your ex left you for will only lead to overthinking.
Look, it’s impossible to understand the connection she might have with someone else. Don’t use this experience to look for areas that you’re inadequate.
Talk To Someone (friends, family, counselors, shamans, etc.)
When in doubt, talk it out.
As humans, intuitively we know that talking to another relieves stress.
But why is this?
When you’re stressed your amygdala hijacks your brain. Sometimes this is a good thing, like if you’re being chased by a jaguar, you want this part of the brain to turn on.
The issue is that far too often it doesn’t shut off when we need it to.
Instead of rationally dealing with the problem, the amygdala will flood your brain with cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenaline.
An amygdala that refuses to shut off will result in chronic stress.
Talk to friends, family, therapists, baristas, shamans — literally anyone with ears.
Use this as an opportunity to heal, not just from this experience but from past traumas that may have had a hand in causing the dissolution of the relationship.
For instance, perhaps you’re a workaholic as the result of never feeling good enough to get your absent father’s attention. The workaholism helped you avoid the feeling of inadequacy and helped you cope with that disappointment.
But then it reared its ugly head in your romantic relationship and created a rift between you both. Rather than spending time together, you always prioritized work and as a result, she connected with someone who she felt seen, heard, and understood by.
Use this painful opportunity to look for characteristics like this.
There’s a quote I love that says “If you don’t address your childhood trauma, your romantic relationships will.”
This quote is only as true as you let it be.
Ask For An Explanation So You Can Let Go And Move Past It
We’re always looking to fill in the _____.
Humans just love having the answers to everything.
This urge doesn’t stop when it comes to love and heartbreak.
We want to know why a relationship didn’t work out and will continue to fill in the blank until we have an answer.
Stop trying on different reasons and just ask her.
Before talking make it abundantly clear you 1) don’t want to get back together 2) aren’t mad and 3) just want to listen.
Once you’ve assured her of these three things she’ll be likely to talk with you.
Regardless of her answer be ready to accept it and move on.
You’ve had your blank filled in, now you can stop ruminating and channel your energy on other things, like MegaDating.
Think About What The Experience Taught You
You just invested quite a bit of time into this relationship.
Instead of focusing on the bad, think about what you’ve learned from it.
Relationships are our greatest teachers. We can experience the greatest amount of transformation as the direct result of romantic relationships.
Take time to consider the bigger picture of your relationship with this person.
What did it help you do, become, create, or remove?
Think about how you two treated each other.
Are you happy with how you treated her — what about how she treated you?
Did you learn that she’s the type of person you could see yourself settling down with, or did you stay with her out of convenience?
Celebrate The Good Experiences
There may be a time when you transition from one phase to another — from heartbreak to rage.
This period may last longer and do more damage than the former.
It’s incredibly difficult to forget and move on from someone that cheated you.
It can feel wrong to forgive but you’re not forgiving her for her, you forgive for you.
Think of the positives of the relationship. Be grateful for them and aspire to have moments like these again.
As crappy as you feel, you have to admit that the relationship wasn’t all bad.
As soon as you begin to think of the relationship and former partner in a positive light, the quicker you’ll be able to move on.
Will She Come Back?
There are simply too many variables to know.
The only thing we do know is that with enough time and effort you will move on.
The question now becomes, what does your future look like?
There are better women out there I promise you.
You just need to find them.
Tell me about your situation. Talk to me about how you feel, what happened, and what your romantic goals are.
If you’re ready, we can begin to create a custom dating blueprint that will put you on track and equip you with the skills you need to find a woman deserving of your time and love.
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