Are you suffering from oneitis?

Every time after meeting a new woman do you think she’s the one? 

Do you always obsess over a woman after meeting her?

If so, you might have oneitis.

To be fair, oneitis isn’t some psychological affliction. It’s not some malignant personality trait that all the psychologists are rushing to cure.

But it is annoying, and it must be cured.

That’s why we’re here.

You find yourself too quickly attached to women and I have a solution.

But first, what even is oneitis?

What is Oneitis?

Oneitis is an unfounded attachment to a romantic partner or potential partner. 

Unfounded because your affection for them is either not reciprocated or premature.

Many a student of mine has come to me complaining that they strike up intense feelings for a woman after a first or second date. These feelings aren’t your standard excitement or infatuation after a good first date.

They’re intense, overwhelming feelings. The kind that leaves you obsessing over this one person.

Feelings that resemble those you had for your first crush in middle school.

It’s these feelings that dissuade you from dating anyone else. Your newfound tunnel vision means that you’re seeing, smelling, and hearing her voice even when she’s far away.

This unhealthy and unfounded attachment is what most defines oneitis. It’s this one-sided do-or-die attachment that you have for a woman you just met.

Despite the other woman that may enter your life, you only hold space for her, unwilling to open yourself up to another. That’s classic oneitis.

Why Do We Get Oneitis?

We attach to people who show us a new possibility, a new life, a new world.

In them, we see what we can be, how we can live, and who we can become.

They spark something deep within that brings us to life in a way that we’ve never known before.

They remind us of who we really are, beneath all of society’s rules. We like the way they make us feel, the familiarity, and the similarities we see.

They might bring us back to our values as children before we grew up and constricted ourselves to fit into the world the “right” way.

In short, they bring us to life. 

But exposure in a romantic way to an amazing person might not be the only reason we get oneitis.

We’re Freakin’ Lonely

Long before COVID-19 hit, Americans were dealing with a loneliness pandemic.

A loneliness pandemic that impacted our romantic and platonic lives.

So much so that many Americans would go years without having sex. 

The reason many men are having less sex than their parents did at their age comes down to a few factors.

• Technology
• The abundance of entertainment options
• Shrinking middle class

It’s primarily this last one that’s throwing men off their game.

Not being able to hold down a steady job and move out of your parents’ house or having to live with roommates is a dagger to your romantic life.

Due to a lack of romance, men will often throw all their eggs into one basket at the first chance they get.

Guys that have gone months if not years without a date will immediately fall for the first person that smiles at them.

It’s this scarcity bias that convinces men to get lost in their feelings.

However, these feelings can be compounded depending on one’s attachment style.

Attachment Styles

Our attachment styles are developed in our formative years and stick with us throughout our adult lives.

There are three main attachment styles:

• Secure
• Avoidant
• Anxious

Those with anxious attachment styles are the likeliest to develop oneitis.

Anxious attachment styles are characterized by distrust and suspicion of their romantic partners. As a result, they’re doting, clingy, and lash out when their affection isn’t being reciprocated.

This attachment style was developed as a result of one’s parents acting indifferent towards them as a child.

Instead of a steady stream of affection, the tap was abruptly cut off at times, while raging at others. This hot and cold treatment made them insecure about how others would treat them. This is why those with anxious attachment styles quickly develop feelings and subsequently love-bomb their new flame.

What Happens If We Don’t Shift Our Energy

We choke out the flame that we tried so hard to burn.

Nascent relationships are fragile things.

A misplaced touch, odd comment, or checking your phone one too many times (or even just once) could put the kibosh on a new romantic relationship.

All that intense energy you have going on won’t help you in a new relationship.

It’ll only serve to let your fantasies run wild.

You’ll start future-casting and talk to them in ways that scare them away, saying things like “I told my mom about you” or “I was talking about you with friends” or in some way subconsciously demonstrating to her that she’s the only thing on your mind.

In dating, it’s important to stay rooted in the present moment, rather than imagining a future fantasy together.

Even if you’re super excited about this woman, don’t tell her so. Don’t tell her you’re already fantasizing about your future together or that you already told your entire family about how awesome she is.

Don’t show her your hand.

Be cool.

Only reveal as much as you deem appropriate. Even after you two become physically intimate, it’s important not to overwhelm her with your feelings too early in the relationship.

Getting Over Oneitis for Guys

Oneitis isn’t something that you magically overcome.

You don’t just read a couple of articles and poof, you’re suddenly Mr. Cool.

You have to practice what dating coaches such as myself preach.

Being proactive with your social life is the only way to curb your oneitis proclivities.

Let me explain.

MegaDating

If you only take one step to rid yourself of oneitis, let it be by MegaDating.

The solution to non-attachment is MegaDating.

MegaDating helps you to naturally remain non-attached to any one woman.

It’s a protective mechanism to help you remember that this 1 person isn’t the last woman on the planet.

When you keep your mind protected from getting too attached too soon, it allows room for the budding relationship to grow and evolve naturally without putting unnecessary pressure on the connection too soon.

In my dating coaching program, I teach my students to make a commitment to go on 20 dates in 90 days before committing to a relationship with anyone. This can help alleviate the pressure we sometimes put on ourselves to get into a relationship with any one person.

But what exactly is MegaDating?

It’s the act of dating prolifically. 

It involves dating Steph on Tuesday, Sam on Friday, and Maddie on Sunday.

MegaDating has a host of benefits including:

• Prevents you from settling
• Refines dating skills
• Boosts confidence
• Helps you identify the type of woman you’re most attracted to

It also gives you the skills you need to be able to find a date, something many men lack.

What’s so important about MegaDating is that it allows you to apply the 37% rule.

To make life’s biggest decisions, mathematicians believe we should apply the 37% rule.

In the context of your love life it works like this.

If you never married how many women throughout the entirety of your life do you think you’d date?

Let’s say 100.

When applied, the rule requires you to reject the first 37 women you meet.

The next woman that’s better (read; more compatible with you) than the prior 37 is the one you should marry.

However, the only way to get a large enough sample size to get the most from this rule is to date, and date frequently.

That’s where MegaDating comes in, exposing you to a wealth of women in a short time.

Expand Your Social Circle

It’s easy to become overly focused on one person when you don’t have enough going on in your personal life.

When this happens we tend to glorify the other person and imagine an entire world with them. To stop yourself from doing this, fill up your life with new and exciting social activities.

Make it your goal to meet 3 new people every week.

In time, your expanding social circle will put you in environments ripe for meeting women you’re excited about — but you have to be strategic.

I teach how to strategically select these types of activities to maximize the chances of meeting your ideal type of woman in my coaching program.

One way to do so is by joining a Meetup group that you’re interested in.

We all know that opposites don’t attract and that the best way to meet someone compatible is by joining a social group that aligns with your interests.

There are a million and half of these groups on Facebook and Meetup.

If you really want to meet a woman that loves hiking, join a hiking Meetup,

Or maybe you want to meet a yogi or a painter, there are groups for those activities as well.

Surround yourself with like-minded people and soon enough you’re bound to find a woman that shares your same interest.

And hey, if you don’t meet a romantic partner, at least you’ll make a few friends in the process (friends that by the way have single female friends they’d be happy to introduce you to).

Start Checking Items Off Your Bucket List

There are more important things than dating strangers you met on dating apps.

What are those things?

You tell me. 

What’s on your bucket list?

Do you really want to give a TED talk, climb Mt. Everest, or finally go to Malta?

The goal is to fill up your life with amazing activities so you’re personally fulfilled and can stop trying to find fulfillment in another person.

That other person will naturally come into play when your life is exciting to you.

Being personally fulfilled will attract romantic partners, especially when they can see all the cool things you’re doing through social media.

You can even connect with the woman who you’re experiencing oneitis with on social media so she can see how fun your life is, which may help to attract or re-attract her back to you.

At the very least it’ll take your mind off her for a while and show her that you don’t need her to be happy. Seeing that you’re living an interesting life will make you a more appealing partner.

Enlist the Help of a Supportive Network of Single Men Who You Can Talk To Before Reaching Out to Her

For the millionth time studies show that when we have a supportive network of people around us, we have more success.

In my coaching program, my students have access to talk with each other throughout the week.

They use this connection to share stories, ask each other questions, and empathize with one another. 

This becomes super helpful when a man with oneitis is considering sending a desperate text message to the woman of his affections.

Often a student will post the message he’s thinking of sending her in the group and ask for feedback before doing so.

This has saved many men from the fate of blowing up a budding connection because it allows time for reflection and he gets tons of feedback from other men who are in the exact same position.

When we have one-itis, it’s like being under a spell and sometimes it’s hard to think clearly. That’s why it’s so important to be able to share messages before sending so they don’t say the wrong thing, come across as desperate or needy, or send the wrong signal to the woman they’re interested in.

It’s also important to have a support network of men who are in your exact shoes.

Sometimes when we ask our friends or family members for dating advice, we forget that some of them don’t have what we want, aren’t going through what we’re going through, haven’t dealt with what we’re dealing with, or aren’t set up to give actionable advice. So often friends or family will tell us to just “be ourselves” or will say things like “just tell her how you feel” but they don’t understand the true dynamics behind the budding relationship or don’t have deep insight into how the courting phase works or maybe don’t understand human psychology.

For those reasons, having a support network of men who are all learning to master the art of dating and are following a proven framework for success can help supercharge your success and help you avoid the common mistakes that inevitably come from asking unqualified people for advice.

Hire a Coach

Having someone to talk to when you’re about to go stage-5 clinger, is helpful, to say the least.

I wish I’d had a coach back when I was dating and had oneitis.

Maybe I wouldn’t have said the things I said to blow up otherwise promising relationships. Luckily, I was able to overcome my oneitis by MegaDating but having a coach would have helped me avoid a lot of unnecessary heartbreak.

The same is true for you. Working with a coach can give you the foundation you need to succeed in dating and can give you a helpful sounding board to discuss the oneitis you’re experiencing. Having a neutral third party who is deeply educated on best practices in dating can help you to get a bigger perspective on the intensity of the connection you’re experiencing so you can take a step back and not blow it all up.

My dating program, Dating Decoded, focuses on how to get the most out of MegaDating in order to quickly find you a super compatible long-term partner.

Via video curriculum, weekly strategy sessions, an online community, and mock dates we teach you the skills you need to know to date with confidence.

I’d like to learn more about your dating history and dating goals. Let’s talk about your romantic future and how my program can help you achieve those goals via a 1-on-1 Zoom conversation.

Take An Attachment Style Quiz

Learning about your attachment style might shed light on why you get oneitis.

Attachment styles refer to the ways we attach to others in romantic and non-romantic relationships.

As we touched on before when we get overly attached too soon, it’s because we have an insecure attachment style based on our previous romantic experiences and our childhood upbringing and relationships with primary caregivers.

This may lead us to form unhealthy attachments to people too soon, which can be problematic.

Learning about your own attachment style and the attachment style of your romantic interests can help to powerfully shift the way you show up in romantic relationships.

You can find free attachment style quizzes online and I recommend reading the book Attached to learn more.

Once you’ve identified your attachment style you can begin work to transition to a healthier style of attachment.

Oneitis can be cured.

You just need to be willing to make the change.