How to Overcome Rejection in Dating by Improving Your Resilience
I’m sure some magical fairy has once whispered these words into your ears…
Here’s the thing.
That alleged magical fairy ain’t so magical.
It’s your cousin Dave that married his high school sweetheart and doesn’t know a damn about dating because he never had to pursue a woman in his life.
When your aspiring fairy-cousin Dave feeds you this line, this is what you should tell him…
I hate to break it to you, but the universe isn’t conspiring against or for you.
The universe is just doing its thing.
Waiting for the right person to come along will only lead to more waiting and more romantic platitudes being gratuitously whispered into your ear by ignorant family members.
The best way to find the ideal partner isn’t to kick back and let the universe do its thing.
The best — and admittedly less fairytale — way is to be proactive.
But being proactive can lead to some pretty troubling experiences, chief among them; rejection.
Men will opt for the fairytale encounter narrative because it’s less painful. They’re not resilient enough to deal with the taxing process of dating around, getting rejected, having your heartbroken, and then having to get up again.
However, MegaDating is the only right way to go about finding a forever partner.
MegaDating involves dating multiple women in a short period of time in order to find your ideal partner — doesn’t sound too shabby eh?
But to do so successfully you’ll have to learn how to overcome rejection in dating.
So how the hell do you do that?
I think I may have a solution.
How To Overcome Rejection In Dating
At the beginning of my dating coaching program, I offer up my clients the same goal: 20 dates in 90 days.
That comes out to about one date every week.
Some achieve this goal while others fall short.
I set this goal for a number of reasons.
I believe that MegaDating (dating around with intention) helps them find a loving, healthy, and happy relationship without settling for a toxic or unfulfilling life partner.
Why some men falter and others rise to the challenge has led me to ask why some men overcome rejection while others don’t.
Here’s what I found.
What Is Resilience And Why Is It Important for Dating?
What does being resilient look like when dating?
Resilience is the ability to overcome stressful events.
A resilient guy won’t resort to binge-eating Milk Duds after being rejected. Instead of dwelling on the negative, he’ll bounce back quickly from a stressful event.
It’s important for dating because the modern dating landscape is riddled with rejection — especially when dating women simultaneously.
A single person’s ability to handle rejection is based on their attachment style — a personal characteristic developed in one’s youth.
How Attachment Style Influences Resilience
To first figure out a solution you have to know where the problem’s coming from.
One possible cause of low resilience is attachment style.
Most people with PhDs would agree that how we interact with our romantic partners is determined by how our primary caregivers treated us.
If your parents are dicks chances are you’ll treat people like a dick too. This is intuitive psychology no?
The issue is, there are a lot of crappy parents out there.
Roughly half of the population lives with an insecure attachment style and these individuals struggle to maintain close, romantic relationships because of an underlying fear of abandonment.
Now for the good news: these styles can be changed.
So how can we make these changes happen?
Cognitive-behavioral and well-being therapy focused on cognitive reappraisal, mindfulness training, positive thinking exercises, and the development of healthy coping skills can serve as beneficial interventions for building resilience and reducing distress.
Let’s take a deeper look at these strategies.
Active Coping Can Increase Resilience
Active coping is a stress-reduction technique that can increase resilience. The process uses behavioral and psychological methods to shift perceptions of a stressful stimulus.
Such coping skills are helpful for singles who must face the stress of rejection in order to find the woman of their dreams.
Let’s dig into some of these strategies.
Dealing With Ghosting, No-Shows, Or Straight Up Facial Rejections
If you’re figuring out how to overcome rejection in dating, there are plenty of ways to handle romantic disappointment.
After a rejection, you can delete all your apps (and not as Hinge intended you to), call your friends and complain about how horrible women are nowadays, or you can use a more positive and resilient coping strategy.
One way to do this is with emotion-oriented coping.
Emotion-oriented coping deals with addressing your feelings and emotional response to the problem instead of addressing the problem itself.
It gets at the stem instead of the root.
Some ways you can quickly regulate your mood are:
— Positive thinking
But there isn’t just one way to deal with stress.
One of the best ways to foster resilience is with task-oriented coping.
This method focuses on action-oriented problem-solving to change the situation so it reduces stress. Researchers have found that male college students experienced less distress when using task-oriented coping strategies and both men and women had more distress when using emotion-oriented coping.
The only way to really deal with the problem is to face it head-on.
This is why journaling, talking it out, reading about the issue at hand, and grappling with the intricacy of the situation is by far the most impactful way to handle a problem and overcome rejection in dating.
Avoidance Can Hinder Resilience
Dating 20 women in 90 days sounds awesome at first.
Then my clients attempt to do it.
After a week, some still are up to the task, others not so much.
What I’ve found is that clients that struggle to complete the challenge often find excuses not to confront the things causing them stress.
These clients consistently use excuses such as “work has been crazy busy,” “family or friends came into town,” “I want to wait to message until I have better photos,” or “I can’t find a good photographer.”
You don’t need me to tell you that if you refuse to confront the thing causing you stress, it’ll never go away.
We know that a more hands-on task-oriented coping strategy is the way to go, so how do we get there?
Optimism Can Increase Resilience
You guys know that smiling releases dopamine right?
If you want to be happy you need only decide to smile.
That’s right, you can trick your brain into releasing dopamine, you just need to show your pearly whites.
Not everyone is a smiley person, but we can choose to be.
In the same way we can choose to smile to improve our state of mind, we can choose to be optimistic as well.
The key to transitioning from a pessimistic person to an optimistic one is with gratitude.
Becoming more resilient with the help of gratitude exercises is nearly as easy as faking a smile.
Before going on a date or doing something you know will trigger stress, list 10 things they’re grateful for and say why.
In this way, we could shift their negative rumination to more positive thoughts by creating a daily task for gratitude.
In 2010 researchers sought to increase the resilience of men living in war-torn regions of Israel.
Like a vaccine, psychological inoculation exposes individuals to small amounts of the stressful event in order to build a defensive response.
Researchers were in fact able to increase resilience by exposing these men to marginally stressful events.
But how might this apply to your dating life?
Instead of going up to a woman and asking her for her number, you might ask her for the time, directions, or simply say hi.
These little victories will not only stretch your comfort zone but provide you with a greater sense of control.
Another way I use this strategy is by putting clients through virtual mock dates and providing feedback from the women on the date about the date experience.
In this way, clients will have the ability to face a stressful dating situation without having to deal with rejection right off the bat.
This prepares them for what they will face when going on a real date and uncover opportunities for improvement before the stakes are high.
The Mega Boost Of MegaDating
The MegaDating philosophy is designed to relieve the pressure of trying to get it all right on the first date.
By setting a goal of 20 dates in 90 days, and focusing on the constant improvement of dating skills throughout that process, clients may view their early dates as a sort of psychological inoculation, rather than an end-all-be-all scenario.
Learning to face stressful situations through exposure prepares them to better manage future challenges and reduce their vulnerability to stress disorders and maladaptive coping behaviors.
Plus, dating a bunch of beautiful women in a short period of time is just awesome.
Let Your Team Help You Out
It’s tough to go it alone.
Humans are naturally social creatures. We love being around people, socializing, and spending time with loved ones.
Look you don’t have to go on this journey alone.
Singles who have a strong social support network, as well as those who seek out the help of others, seem to have a greater ability to deal with crappy situations.
Teaming up with men in your exact position is exactly what the emlovz coaching program does. We’ve formed a supportive community of singles guys just looking to change their dating fortunes.
Sense of Humor and Resilience
Oddly enough humor and resilience are closely related.
It’s for this reason that one of my program’s modules teaches men how to be fun and playful on their dates.
Not only will humor help you rebound from rejection but it’ll help you snag more matches as well.
When making a profile be sure to crack a joke or two or at least list some of your favorite comedians, shows, and movies.
If you truly don’t know how to create a dating profile worthy of a swipe right, let the beautiful woman below help you out.
Altruism and Resilience
It seems like nowadays genuinely giving a damn about someone else has gone out of fashion — especially when it comes to dating.
We’re too focused on the next best match to give out full attention and emotional feels to the person in front of you.
Let’s change that.
UC Berkeley has found four habits that can increase altruism:
— Challenge deeply held beliefs and prejudices
— Ask more questions to friends and strangers
— Listen and open up
— Take a walk in someone else’s shoes (e.g. hang out in a friend’s neighborhood, drive someone else’s car, attend someone else’s religious service, etc.)
Move Your Ass
I laugh when people decide to run in order to get into shape.
Don’t get me wrong, running a few miles every day will help you lose weight, strengthen muscles, and improve your cardiovascular system, but there’s a lesser-known benefit of running.
We’re always wanting to change our brains but rarely do. People do jigsaw puzzles, learn new languages, and pay money for brain development apps.
But really all they need to do is throw on some kicks and run around the block.
Exercise is the best way to create new neurons.
Doing so will increase cognitive abilities including how resilient you are.
The Naked Truth
Dating is hard.
What makes it all the more difficult is when single guys don’t have the emotional stamina to withstand yet another rejection.
Rejecting and dating go together like PB & J.
You know that resilient guys go on more dates and have more romantic success.
You need only to decide whether you want to be one of those men.