It’s an article about friendship, social interaction, empathy, and most importantly, tact.
It’s these aforementioned elements that are at the heart of any good relationship — romantic or otherwise.
My team of dating coaches and I pride ourselves on our ability to turn single men into social butterflies.
The social skills we teach can not only be used with your Tinder date but among your friends and platonic acquaintances as well.
Along with voicing their romantic hurdles, clients of mine have recently vocalized their platonic social struggles as well. Look, you’re not going to be a smooth-talking ladies man if you can’t first master your platonic relationships.
That is why in this article I’ll expand on the advice I recently gave my clients in the hope that it may benefit your social life as well.
Let’s dive in.
How To Maintain Friendships
The following are excerpts from real conversations I’ve had with clients along with answers that have been expanded on.
Platonic Texting Etiquette
“What do you do if a close friend or family member doesn’t respond to a text after 2-3 days. Do you send a follow up message, and if so do you address the non-response or change the subject? Again, these are close friends and family, not a girl I’m trying to date.”
The same rules that apply in dating apply in your platonic life as well. Don’t call out the bad behavior, just be persistent and stay positive in your communication.
“I have a tendency to make things too serious too soon. So when do you think it’s good to actually address something more seriously instead of ignore it?
I mean I tend to like to be honest and upfront about my feelings and call things out in a friendly way, and there is some strength in that. On the other hand, I tend to take small things too seriously too soon and blow it out of proportion.”
I do this too but I internalize instead of saying anything. If you can say it in a non-judgmental, self-focused way (“I statements) then it’s probably fine to do right away. If that feels awkward then wait until you’ve seen the behavior 3 times then mention how you feel using I statements.
Sustaining A Friend’s Interest
“What do you do if you feel on a gut/emotional/energetic level that a close friend is starting to slip away and “lose interest” for lack of a better word. Like you can tell from their behaviors that they are acting different and less receptive to talking to you.”
This is tough and I understand the feeling.
It’s important to be cognizant that they may be going through a difficult time and to try your best to add value to their life in some way.
Pay attention to whether your communications with them are more focused on you or them. If you’re taking more than giving, that can push people away.
Also, don’t be an energy vampire.
You want to make sure you’re not zapping their energy when you’re with them. It’s good to be persistent but remember, all relationships are give and take. One person can’t give more than the other for too long or resentment will begin to fester. If you’re the one giving all the time and they’re always taking, then that’s also a sign that perhaps you should start looking for people who respect you more and who are willing to invest in the friendship as much as you do.
On Dealing With Social Anxiety
“I don’t have many friends. I also get anxious when I feel like they are not into the friendship as much and they may leave.”
I can relate.
I find it much easier to make friends when I am participating in a regular weekly activity where I see the same people over and over. I have super bad social anxiety and get really nervous when I’m new in a social environment. The more I go to a social event with the same people at it, the easier it feels and the more natural I become.
I would seek out social activities that you’re passionate about and that are social. I have made close friends lately in my spiritual community. I’ve also made friends in business coaching programs. As a homework assignment, I recommend that you reach out to one person each day and just ask them how they’re doing.
I didn’t know I had social anxiety until I couldn’t drink in social settings anymore. Then I realized the whole reason I ever did drink was because of insecurity and social anxiety.
People make me very nervous unless I’m in control. When I’m not in control, I’m just as in my head as my clients.
That’s the reason I wanted to do this work, it’s mainly because I made a ton of mistakes I wanted to help others avoid and because I can understand how people feel awkward with dating and social settings.
“I wonder if you did the 100 date experiment and became a dating coach to understand men more and get over your social anxiety in a controlled setting?”
Possibly. Ultimately I just saw a window of opportunity because I grew up undesirable to men and things seemed to change right when I got single so I thought it was an important time period for testing.
I believe the best way to address the problem is to embrace it head-on. That’s why I advise MegaDating for men that are struggling with their romantic confidence.
Emotional Vulnerability & Action
“When I sense some sort of distancing/separation, I usually don’t address it.
Even though I’ve never dated anyone seriously, I like to think of myself as having good social skills. And I do in some ways. But I lack some core skills in vulnerability and deep connection.”
Good, I’m glad you recognize this about yourself. I feel the same way about myself and it’s a very common feeling.
I want you to be vulnerable and reach out to everyone in your social circle this week. Try and get on a call with every one of them. This is a huge step towards learning how to be vulnerable with friends. You’re not alone.
The Difficulty Of Communicating In Our Modern World
“So a few weeks ago I texted my cousin. She didn’t respond for a week. I was totally cool with that. I understand people get busy.
Fast forward a couple weeks and she texted me a question. Since I just started my job, I got back to it like 5 days later. She didn’t respond back. I waited a few days and left her a follow up voicemail on Saturday. Haven’t heard back from her after my second attempt. I get a mixture of feelings of fear, anger, and confusion when this happens.”
Whether dating or in our platonic relationships we get annoyed when we don’t receive an instant response.
Not only have we been programmed to lust for instant gratification but with phones in everyone’s pockets literally all the time we have the world at our fingertips. Knowing this we’re rightfully annoyed when we don’t hear back from people.
When in doubt go old-school — call.
Phone tag isn’t a game anyone wants to play.
How to Maintain Friendships If You Have Avoidant Attachment
“What specifically do you mean by avoidant attachment with friendships?”
I don’t prioritize friendships and I write people off for very small things.
Storytime.
A new friend was mean to her massage person (we went together), and that made me think maybe I shouldn’t reach out to her again.
But I acknowledged that that was an extreme reaction. I also struggle to reach out to people to check in or nurture the relationship. With work, it’s easy but in my personal life, I often feel that I’m being a bother so I isolate when I should reach out.
Both you and I can work on this.
Practice putting yourself out there, reaching out to people you want to be friends with, inviting them for coffee, and not creating stories in your mind when they blow me off, don’t respond, or flake.
Everyday Fears & Acceptance
“Is there anything that, if people found out about you, you’d be afraid they’d dislike you or hate you?”
There’s nothing specific that I’m afraid of but I have a constant internal fear that I’m inadequate or unacceptable. In college, this manifested itself in fear of failure in my classes. The MegaDating helped me realize that I was always worthy and just needed to accept myself in love and romantic relationships but in work and friendship, this fear is always lurking.
Maintaining Friendships & Moving Forward
I just walked you through a real conversation about the hurdles that we all face in our social lives.
When it the last time you had an introspective conversation with a friend?
Maybe instead of going out with a Bumble ladybee this Friday, you pop open a bottle of wine with a buddy and talk about aspects of your platonic social life that need addressing.
Addressing emotional and social problems in your non-romantic life will inevitably improve your dating ability.
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