Wondering how to approach a woman at a bar because you’ve just had it with online dating?

In a few emphatic clicks, you deleted all your dating apps and vowed to never again meet women online.

Meeting women has changed.

To push back against this social shift you decide to start meeting women in person like people used to do before we started walking around with digital singles bars in our pockets. So you call up your buddies and invite them to a bar crawl -boys only.

You and your peeps conspire to build meaningful connections with female strangers in some of the seediest, dankest, rambunctious places in the city. But no worries you think, you’ve done this before; the dynamics of picking up strangers in bars couldn’t have changed that much, right?

How To Approach A Woman At A Bar Has Changed

Two things may have changed since you last flirted with a stranger in a bar.

The first is the emergence of dating apps as the most popular way to meet singles. A recent study published in PNAS found that 39% of new couples found their partner online. This is up from 22% in 2009. Meeting women IRL -in particular in bars- isn’t nearly as popular as it once was. 

Flirting with strangers in bars has lost its popularity and as such has become a rather awkward exercise. Macking it up with strangers now requires more skill and tact than ever before.

Gender equality has also changed the dynamics of flirting in bars. Women nowadays have more sway than ever on the rules of mating. Women have been rapidly gaining equality in the workplace and other settings for years now, making significant jumps every decade. As their voices become louder and more powerful, they begin to shape the rules of courtship.

These two cultural shifts have changed how to approach a woman at a bar. With a beer in hand, let me walk you through the new rules of the pickup.

Before The Approach

What image are you projecting before your approach? Are you at the bar alone all huddled in a corner trying to not get squished by strangers or are you with a few friends joking and laughing the night away clearly having a good time? It’s the latter image that you want to project.

One of the worst things you can do is stare out into the field of women with your buddies and collectively drool. Even if you’re at a bar for the explicit reason of flirting with women, she doesn’t need to know that.

Making your intentions known projects a playboy/pathetic image. Make yourself and your friends seem like the life of the party. She’ll see this and want to get in on your fun.

This brings me to another point.

Meeting women at bars shouldn’t be viewed as a chore. Be content with simply having some drinks at a bar with your friends. Don’t think that failing to get a number means a failed night. Enjoying yourself regardless of your romantic success ensures that you’ll keep hitting the bars.

Also what goals have you set for yourself? Setting an objective of scoring a number creates pressure. Instead, have no expectations. Enter each night with the goal of simply enjoying yourself. Before approaching a woman, don’t tell yourself that you’re going to flirt with her.

Think of your interactions more so as talking than flirting. You’re walking over and starting a conversation with a woman because she seems interesting, nothing less, nothing more. Changing your mindset will take all the pressure out of the situation.

Who & When To Approach

The next time you’re at a crowded bar, have a little jaunt around. As your sauntering, count how many people are on dating apps.

It’s baffling really. Despite being surrounded by singles just whispers away we still look to the convenience of our phones to find mates. Finding a girlfriend via an app is now more acceptable than finding her at a bar.

This being the case, you need to take the utmost care when choosing who to flirt with IRL. Just because she’s in a bar doesn’t 100% guarantee she wants to get hit on by some random dude. But do keep in mind, it’s much easier for a woman to keep her sweatpants on and Netflix – she must be at the bar for some “social” reason.

To have the best chances of scoring a phone number you should approach a woman that looks to be having a fun time and who’s made eye contact with you. Protracted eye contact is a tacit signal of interest. Perhaps she’s only interested in you because of something on your face, but more likely than not, you two are sharing a stare because of mutual attraction. Take this as your cue to approach.

The type of woman you never want to approach is the one that’s clearly not having a good time. If she’s not talking much, isn’t smiling, and has her head to the ground, just keep walking.

Before approaching a woman, make sure she sees you coming. There’s no bigger turnoff for us than getting approached from behind. Never ambush her. Make eye contact, stay in her field of vision when approaching, walk slowly and with confidence.

When you do finally reach your target, keep your hands to yourself. Don’t hug, kiss, or place your hand on her lower back. The only reasonable thing to do is offer your hand for a handshake. In fact, a handshake is encouraged. It’s this small physical interaction that will open the door for more intense physical contact later on.

Don’t let your lascivious desire to touch her ruin your chances of actually doing so. Touching her too early on in the interaction will signal that you’re excessively aggressive. Waiting, on the other hand, will create sexual tension.

Keep Your Wits

Amongst a backdrop of drunken buffoonery, a soberish man is attractive.

Don’t feel like you can’t drink when on the prowl, just keep your wits about you. Any hint of a slur will have her swiping left to you in person within moments. But a slur isn’t your only worry.

Flirting with a stranger in public in front of her friends and yours sounds even scarier than presenting to potential clients sans preparation. Yes, liquid courage will imbue you with the impetus to approach but will deprive you of the swagger you need to perform. Stay sharp and keep your alcohol consumption under control.

No Pickup Lines

This is a no-brainer.

Then again, it’s typically the people lacking in that department that use them.

“I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?” sounds suave in every other context but the one it’s designed to be used in. Don’t be fooled, pickup lines are shallow, cliche, and gratuitous.

The only exception to the rule is genuinely walking back your horrible decision after a pickup line has been delivered.

Example:

“I was wondering if you had an extra heart. Mine was just stolen.”

*Awkward pause

“Wow, I can’t believe I just said that. Please forgive me. Beautiful women make me say stupid things and I usually don’t flirt with strangers in bars. My name’s Dave, can I begin to redeem myself by buying you a drink?”

I’m by no way urging you to approach a woman with a pickup line and then subsequently pardoning yourself for using it. Rather, if you ever do let your inner 13-year-old get the best of you and begin to freak out, genuinely excusing yourself and starting anew is the only way to save yourself.

What To Talk About

Women far and wide, young and old, beautiful and not, have been objectified. Many feel so on a daily basis and never more so than in a bar. Getting looked up and down and felt up by men happens so often that many a woman isn’t even open to meeting men in bars (enter online dating).

It’s up to you to buck this trend. And no, I’m not just saying that because being objectified is anathema to women, I’m saying it because not treating a woman like an object will help you on your courtship conquest -who would’ve thought?

The first thing you say to this woman should have nothing to do with her body. Don’t tell her she’s beautiful or compliment her on her dress. These things can come later if you’ve built up enough rapport. So what do you say?

The easiest approach is simply to ask her what she’s drinking – “Hey whatever you’re drinking looks awesome, what is it/do you like it?” And then go from there. Comment on her accent, ask her where she’s from, if she normally spends Friday nights in bars such as this one, etc.

While commenting on her drink is easy it’s also not ideal. What is ideal is you commenting on a similarity you two share. You can glean more about her from listening to her speak (if possible before approaching) and from what she’s wearing. Is she wearing a sports t-shirt or workout gear that you can use to strike up a conversation? Asking her an open-ended question about herself is a great way to start a conversation.

What’s most important is that you’re sincere. Be yourself and treat her with respect, if it doesn’t work out, no worries, on to the next one.

Generating Playful Touches

After you’ve earned her trust a bit and the banter is flying it’s time to heat things up.

There are smaller steps that must be taken before you can kiss her or place a hand on her lower back or leg. Think of these steps as checkpoints that you must hit before moving onto the next stage. The first checkpoint is the handshake which you should do as soon as you two meet.

Should the interaction go well, begin to make physical contact. Here are some ways to generate light touching:

• Give her a playful elbow jab

• Lightheartedly bump her butt with yours

• Poke the shoulder farthest away from you so that she turns around, then smile at her

• Gently shift her position so as to protect her from a passing waiter, group of people, drunk person, etc.

See how she reacts to these gestures. Does her body positioning become closed or does she open up? If she does open up, you can try to briefly hold her hand or put your hand on her upper back for a brief period of time. Always wait for a tactic sign of consent before touching her in a more intimate manner.

Another tactic you can use is to offer her your body.

Do this by calling attention to your body in some way. A great move is to use your hands to express yourself and to let them linger in front of you for a moment as if they’re begging to be touched.

Should your story or thought inspire a laugh I guarantee she’ll reach out and touch your hands. Don’t make things awkward and grab her hands, allow her to hold you and break off when she’s ready.

A Note On Friends

When she got dolled up, threw on those heels, and did her makeup, she did so with the intention of enjoying a night out with her friends. That’s her goal for tonight. If you want to interact with her, expect to do so while surrounded by her friends. This can be daunting -it’s meant to be.

Women go out in large numbers because the more friends she’s surrounded by the safer she is. Her phalanx of friends isn’t letting her out of her sight until you’ve proved your trustworthy -which is a tough task in the environment of a bar.

If you want to pursue her, you must do so within her comfort zone, not yours.

Lower your expectations if you think you can whisper a sweet something in her ear before prying her away from her bodyguards -I mean friends.

Placate her crew by involving them in the conversation. Ask how they know each other, who’s the best dancer in the group, who’s the mama bear, etc.

If you can, the ultimate play would be to call in reinforcements (your friends) so that your two groups become one, thus occupying her friends so that you can zero in on the woman of your interest.

Know When To Abort

Not every woman will be into you. Once you see this, it’s time to abort mission. Don’t fight it, just tell her it was a pleasure to speak with her and wish her a good night. Keep your chin up and move on.

Knowing when it’s over is a crucial emotional intelligence skill that you’ll need if you want to flirt with women in bars. Identifying when she’s uncomfortable will inform how you act in the future.

Don’t ruin her night or yours by overstaying your welcome. Suck up your pride and admit when it’s over.

How to Approach a Woman at a Bar, Wrap:

Approaching a woman at a bar is a billion times more difficult than messaging a woman, “hey” on a dating app. Congrats on engaging with women in a much more personal and intimate way.

But an attempt and success are two very different things. If you need personal help, I have your back.

Through a series of 1-on-1 Skype sessions, I’ll not only teach you how to approach women, but how to ask them out, how to win their affection, and how to tap various social streams in order to mine dates.