It was poet Thomas Haynes Bayly, that coined the phrase, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” It’s a catchy phrase that has stapled itself to the psyche of every long-term lover. It should seem like common sense that a break from seeing a lover will increase the pair’s affinity for each other. But common sense and truth are two different things. To test this age-old dating theory, I put it through a test.

You see, my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. For the most part, our jobs allow us to work from home; a perk that we happily indulge in. But being around each other 24/7 in a petite San Francisco apartment for years on end isn’t exactly good for a relationship.

Some of the cons of overexposure to your partner may include decreased sexual tension, co-dependence, and an increased view of your partner as a friend, business partner or roommate.

This dynamic began to take rise in our relationship after having recently spent too much time with each other in close quarters. To alter this dynamic we wanted to see if absence makes the heart grow fonder. To put this theory to the test we recently took a 1-week break from each other.

What We Learned During Our 1-Week Break

1. If You and Your Girlfriend Really Love Each Other, You’ll Miss Each Other

Things that tend to make us happy are missed when they are gone. Fact.

Should a soccer fan miss her weekly EPL game she’ll feel a football-shaped hole in her heart until the next week rolls around. If a cheese addict doesn’t have his fix of brie cheese at a holiday party he’ll have to run out to the market to buy a wheel as soon as he’s able.

Naturally, humans don’t enjoy it when they’re stripped of a stimulus that makes them happy. Whether that stimulus is human or not, when we don’t have our fix, we tend to crave.

If physical space is created between you and your partner, two things will happen. You’ll enjoy your newfound liberty or you’re going to miss them. It’s also possible that you both enjoy the space you’ve created yet still miss your partner. The key variable you’ll be testing is how much you miss your partner.

The space you’ve created will give you time to analyze the type of romantic yearning that’s taking place. Do you miss your partner because they were your primary source of emotional satisfaction or do you miss her because she’s just too awesome of a person to cut out of your life?

If you don’t miss your partner after a week or two of being apart, you know that you can happily live your life without them.

2. Despite All My Rage, We’re Still Just Rats In A Cage

Correct, this is a Smashing Pumpkins reference. It’s also what our MFT told us would happen if we didn’t create space in our relationship.

The cage we created was quite literal. We made the decision to both live and work together under the same roof. Day in and day out we would communicate with each other for hours on end. Instead of having our social needs met by a community of people, we depended solely on each other for all our emotional and professional needs. This was wrong.

Each relationship needs space to breathe. In the same way, absence makes the heart grow fonder, incessantly being in close proximity to your partner decreases feelings of attraction. A fire can’t grow if it’s being smothered.

Make sure you and your partner have enough air in between you so that you don’t begin to fuse together. Being in a long-term relationship doesn’t mean you need to give up being an individual.

Being on top of your partner all the time is akin to texting your girlfriend every five minutes. You don’t want the majority of the time spent with your girlfriend to be doing mundane activities. Finding the right balance of space between you and your partner doesn’t necessarily mean going on a one-week break like my boyfriend and I did. The space that you need to create might look like the two of you taking a night off from each other in order to go out with friends.

3. Is The Problem Really Enough To Throw Away Love?

Every relationship has its own issues. What’s important is that you know how to deal with these problems and move forward. A strong and healthy relationship will be able to work together to solve problems. The issue I had with my boyfriend was easily remedied. What really mattered is that each party felt like putting the energy into solving the issue.

There are certain relationship issues that can end a unity. Abuse, serial cheating, and perpetual boredom are all issues that are best addressed by ending the relationship. But others such as creating enough space so that each party feels its living their own unique life is a dilemma that can be remedied with minimal effort.

There are generally two sources that are to be blamed for relationship issues. One source is the individual you’re dating while the other is an external source.

In my relationship, it wasn’t that my partner had a character flaw, it was more so that our jobs didn’t allow for us to create sufficient social space.

An internal problem that is generated from your partner might be that they prefer playing video games rather than spend time with you or that they don’t seem to listen to you when you speak. These are issues that will be more difficult to do away with.

Realizing the source of the problem will allow you to not only identify how to fix the issue but will also enable you to shift the placing of blame away from your partner and on to a third party.

4. “Me” Time Is Healthy

We’ve been fed romantic lies all our lives.

For too long have we used hyperbole to talk about love. Falling in love isn’t about finding your better half or being made whole by another person. Speaking in such grandiose terms creates unrealistic expectations that our partners will never meet.

A significant romantic partner should be one that improves your life, that you enjoy being with, and that you can see yourself navigating life’s ups and downs with. But having a girlfriend in no way means that you need to relinquish your autonomy. Just because you’re both navigating life’s treacherous waters doesn’t mean every decision you make needs to be agreed upon by all parties onboard.

Sacrificing freedom is acceptable and expected in a romantic relationship. What isn’t acceptable is losing yourself to another. Don’t allow yourself to forfeit what makes you unique.

“Me time” looks like time spent doing whatever you want to do. You don’t need to ask your partner for permission or check in with them every couple of hours. Me time is about hitting the bowling alley with the gang, seeing a movie solo, or just reading a book at the park. It’s about changing your social dynamic for a brief period of time in order to stay refreshed.

5. Never Stop Prioritizing Your Partner

Paradoxically, spending all your time with or around your partner doesn’t mean you’re spending quality time with each other. How often have you circled around your girlfriend as you two both spend a lazy Sunday at home? Despite never being more than 10 feet away from each other you’re not engaging in any meaningful interaction that strengthens your relationship.

Perhaps the most important lesson I learned from my week-long break from my boyfriend is that in 2019 we stopped prioritizing each other. The second half of the year was spent working towards professional goals instead of interpersonal ones. Instead of date nights, we worked late on our new website and we opted to workout individually instead of going on a scenic bike ride together.

Don’t take your partner for granted. You’re with them because they’re a great source of joy in your life.

In 2020, my boyfriend and I are making a commitment to each other. This year we’ll be spending more time doing things couples should be doing together like hiking, taking cooking classes, exploring neighborhoods we’d like to move to, spending time with other couple friends, creating long term goals, etc.

6. The Hardest Part Of Taking A Short Break Is Pulling The Trigger

We all have habits that we know we need to change but can’t. We smoke, drink in excess, binge watch TNT, and refuse to brush our teeth twice a day. These are negative habits that have been identified but despite this, we don’t seem to have the willpower to change.

This is in part because these negative habits are woven into our daily routines. As creatures of habit, that feel that only a significant negative response to a habit can throw us off our daily regimens.

If a week-long break that serves to freshen up the relationship seems like a far-fetched idea, first try spending just a day away from each other. Ease into this change. Once the decision to take a one-week hiatus seems feasible, rip the bandage off and do away with each other for a week.

This emotional detox will give you the distance you need to re-evaluate the relationship. I’ve found that the first mini-break is the easiest.

And allow me to clarify. This time spent apart isn’t a hall-pass that allows your counterpart to have intercourse with whomever she pleases. This is simply a brief period of time spent apart from your partner in order to reignite the passion.

As the days passed, I found myself re-reading old love notes and listing all the ways my partner brings value to my life. Day after day tension built as I found myself spending more and more time thinking about my partner.

So Does Absence Make The Heart Grow Fonder?

After a bit of empirical research, I can say beyond all doubt that absence makes the heart grow fonder, if and only if you care for your partner. A brief hiatus from your romance can help you evaluate whether the relationship is worth continuing. Space between you and your partner allows you to think clearly and determine what’s right for you.

If the relationship is meant to be, you’ll find yourself jumping your partner when it comes time to reunite. Time away from your lover also gives you the space to identify and address your attachment style. Understanding your attachment style will help you change your romantic dynamic for the better. It’ll illuminate why you act the way you do around someone you care about.

Broaching the idea of a brief break can be a tricky conversation to navigate. If you don’t have the tact necessary to artfully discuss the issue without fighting, you might want to consult an expert like an MFT or a licensed physiotherapist.

Perhaps you’re considering a one-week break because you’ve been toying with the idea of ending your relationship. People tend to perpetuate a mediocre relationship due to the scarcity principle. Especially after not having dated for a while we get to thinking that we won’t be able to find another partner.

And when or if you find yourself single again…

The scarcity principle can be addressed by learning about MegaDating. MegaDating involves dating multiple women at the same time. Sounds hard? It is if you attempt to apply the strategy alone.

Book a 1-on-1 session with me to learn more about MegaDating and how to find amazing single women that want to date you. During this intro session we’ll create a strategy for you and determine if my 3 month coaching program is right for you.