Being in a bad relationship can be torture, but second-guessing a breakup is the worst. Maybe you thought you needed space, but after thinking about it for a few weeks and staring at the empty spot in your bed, you inevitably couldn’t help but ask the crazy-making question: Did I break up with her too soon?

Maybe you did, and maybe you didn’t. Only you have that answer. But I will tell you that tons of guys go through this, and the reasons for whether they did (or did not) break up with their ex too soon tend to be pretty similar.

So to help you out with this, I’m going to break down some of those reasons here. Below are three reasons you did break up with her too soon — and three reasons you didn’t. Figuring out the rest is up to you… just be honest with yourself!

Signs That You Broke Up Too Soon

Let’s start with the worst hypothetical: Yes, perhaps you did break up with her too soon. If so, here are three of the most common reasons why.

You Have a Fear of Commitment

Fear of commitment can make you break up with someone too soon. Instead of playing out the possibilities of your relationship, you get overwhelmed. Perhaps she was hinting at an engagement but you just couldn’t pull the trigger. Suddenly, the idea of “forever” felt suffocating.

Why does this happen? Lots of reasons. Maybe your parents divorced when you were young and you’re terrified to follow in their footsteps. Or, you might be looking for the “one” and are afraid of making a mistake.

If you’re afraid of commitment, you may have done subtle things to push her away while you were still together. You might have avoided saying “I love you,” shifted your attention outside the relationship (like to your work or friends), or sabotaged your connection by lying to her. You might have even done silly things like walk ahead of her anytime you were out in public, constantly complain about things, or even stop wanting sex. (That’s when you know it’s bad, right?) Ultimately, you left the relationship. Then later, you came out of your fog and wondered, “Did I break up with her too soon?”

So if this sounds familiar, how are you working on overcoming your personal fears? If you don’t let your commitment issues come to the surface, they’ll never get solved. Find a coach or therapist who can help you uncover and talk through some of your subconscious blocks around relationships.

You Fell for Another Woman

Ah, the illusion of the other woman is so tempting. I see it all the time: A guy leaves his girlfriend to pursue someone new. But the spark eventually fades with the new woman, so then they question whether they broke up with their girlfriend too soon. Once the allure of the new woman wears off, they start thinking about what attracted them to their ex in the first place.

Now, they’re in a tough spot. And I don’t envy them. Real love and long-term connections don’t come along every week or even month. The more experienced you become in dating, the more you’ll realize this. While there are “plenty of fish in the sea,” not many of them are soulmate connections. Lots of guys who leave relationships to chase a new “opportunity” realize this a little too late. Sometimes they’re able to repair things with the ex, but often they can’t. So they end up working with a coach like myself to re-enter the dating world… and gain a little more insight into themselves in the process.

It can be very easy to fall for another woman, by the way. Your brain chemistry actually supports it, according to research.

When you’re attracted to someone new, your brain releases “feel-good” chemicals (like dopamine and oxytocin) that enhance the experience, making it almost irresistible. You feel all the giddy symptoms when you’re around her, like sweaty palms, flushed cheeks, and a racing heartbeat. The problem is, we often mistake this feeling as “love.”

Of course, the effect of the chemicals then wears off, and we’re left with the reality of the person we’re with. At that point, you have a choice. Either you let go of the passionate feeling and move into a deeper stage (attachment)… or you break up with her.

You Tend to Make Rash Decisions

The older we get, the more we see that all decisions have consequences. Yes, the grass can be greener on the other side (hence the appeal of the “other woman”), but it can also be worse — way worse — at times. If you tend to make rash decisions, you’ll have to face the consequences, especially in dating.

Making rash decisions can cause problems mainly because you don’t always have all the information you need yet. Men are often action-oriented and therefore tend to jump the gun. But if you can instead learn to let things unfold over time, you might discover that your feelings change drastically from one week to the next, or one month to the next.

As they say, good things happen for those who wait. So by rushing to judgment about your ex, you might have broken up with her too soon. It sucks, I know. But don’t worry. You’re not the first guy to do this; and you certainly won’t be the last!

In the future, when any decision (small or large) needs to be made in your life, take a moment and write out the pros and cons of both sides. Really dig into the argument from both perspectives to make sure you consider all possibilities. Call on an older or more experienced friend or family member and get their opinion, too. And when it comes to dating, perhaps hire a coach to help you weigh your options.

Signs That You Didn’t Break Up Too Soon

Sometimes we might second-guess our decision to break up when it was actually the right thing to do. How do you know? If any of the following scenarios sound familiar, you probably didn’t break up with her too soon.

You Just Miss the Sex

Be honest with yourself. You’re a dude — sex is a need. Do you really want to get back together with your ex? Or are you just missing the sex?

First of all, I would never tell you to deny your sexual needs. It’s okay to admit that you miss the sex. But pretending that you want your relationship back just because it’s an easy way to get sex isn’t the right way to go.

How accurate is your memory of your relationship? If you actually miss the sex, you could trick yourself into thinking the relationship was better than it was. You could end up texting her, agreeing to meet, and get all excited about it… only to rediscover halfway through dinner all the reasons why you couldn’t stand this woman.

My point is, if you think you miss her but also are really horny, you probably didn’t break up with her too soon. But I know it’s hard to just take my word for it. So I suggest you test it yourself. Try this exercise: Write down all the negative things about your ex and your relationship. Don’t leave anything out. Maybe even call up your buddies for some outside opinions if you have to — I’m sure they’d have plenty to say.

Then, once you review the list, ask yourself: Do you really miss your ex or was it just the sex? If the negatives truly outweigh the sex, which they usually do, then stand firm with your decision. Sex will come along when you start dating again.

You Still Think About Her… Constantly

Maybe you torture yourself with the question “did I break up with her too soon?” because you can’t stop thinking about your ex and the time you used to spend together. You think that because you constantly think about her, you must still be “in love.”

Perhaps. But often the truth is, you just have an anxious attachment style.

To explain this, let me give you a rundown on attachment theory. Many of us didn’t get the love we needed as children. Not only did we feel insecure in our relationship with our parents, but we carry those same insecurities into our adult relationships. We simply don’t believe we can be loved.

As kids, we also developed different ways of coping with love (or the lack of it). These are called “attachment styles” and there are three main ones:

Secure: Those who got the love they needed as kids are confident in adult romantic relationships.

Avoidant: Those whose parents neglected their needs tend to push others away as adults, in order to avoid the possibility of being rejected again.

Anxious: Those whose parents met their needs inconsistently tend to cling to others in adult relationships so they won’t leave.

If you constantly think about your ex to the point where it affects your daily functioning, you might have an “anxious” attachment style. Learn more about attachment in this post or purchase the book Attached to go deeper into the topic. Once you understand what motivates you, it can put a lot of things in perspective.

So what can you do if you’re anxiously attached or otherwise obsessed with the idea of your ex? My biggest advice is to MegaDate. When you MegaDate, you schedule as many dates as possible, even back to back sometimes, to warm up your dating skills and increase momentum. It will help you to not stay attached to any one woman, but instead, enjoy the dating process and build confidence. Other than that, just focus on doing what makes you happy… oh, and stop following her social media. No good ever comes of that, my friends.

You Have Not Analyzed Your Patterns

When was the last time you looked at your relationship patterns as a whole? Have you ever analyzed your relationships to see if you’re making the same choices or mistakes over and over?

If you haven’t really looked deep into your relationship history yet, you probably didn’t break up with your ex too soon because you still need to heal your blocks.

Here are some examples of things you may need to look deeper into:

Is this the third relationship in a row that’s ended right at 9 months?

Was it the fifth woman in a row that you broke up with? Are you scared to commit?

How picky are you when you hear your girlfriend for the first time?

Are you not able to express your emotions and needs to her?

Do you run away after the first fight?

In other words: What is it that’s holding you back? Is it these women, or is it you? Remember, you can always work on these types of issues with a therapist or a coach.

Did I Break Up with Her Too Soon?: Wrap-Up

Asking the question “did I break up with her too soon?” is tough, but also important. It makes you think about your own behavior and choices when it comes to women. This will eventually improve your dating experience and help you find someone to spend your life with. So don’t let it get you down. It’s worth going through the process.

And as you’ve probably noticed by now, it doesn’t really matter whether you broke with her too soon or you didn’t. You can learn from it either way and move forward.

The fastest way to move on, of course, is with a coach. I help men with their dating issues every day, so I’ve seen how doing inner work can really transform their results with women. I work on a one-on-one basis and also run a group coaching program for men who are serious about finding love. Book an intro call with me or one of my coaches today to learn more.