Skip to content

7 Long Distance Dating Tips for Those Looking for Something Real

7 Long Distance Dating Tips for Those Looking for Something Real

One thing I often tell people to do in the beginning stages of dating is to create mystery. That means, don’t reveal everything about yourself all at once. Make the other person wonder about you; it’ll keep them interested in seeing you again and learning more. But when it comes to long distance dating, that “mystery” can also backfire.

Here’s what I mean. Eventually, if you want a lasting relationship — something real — you have to build intimacy. You both have to let your guard down and see who the other person is.

But it’s easy to keep hiding who you really are in a long distance relationship. Your partner may never see you for long periods of time, or under stress. So they may develop a fantasy of who you are. By the time you do spend a decent amount of time together, they might be pretty pissed to find out you don’t live up to that fantasy.



To succeed at long distance dating, you need to find ways to keep this from happening. You have to stay connected and establish intimacy even from far away. So how do you do it? Here are some ideas.

Long Distance Dating Tips to Grow a Relationship

#1: Stay Faithful

Ask yourself: How you would like it if the woman you’re dating is cheating on you 2500 miles away?

Obviously, cheating is a huge temptation when you’re dating long distance. After all, how would they ever find out? But it’s not worth the risk. The way I see it, the moment you stray is the moment you’re checked out of the relationship you’re in… whether or not your partner finds out.

If you’re serious about your partner and want it to work, you’ll need to stay committed to them so they trust you and don’t step outside the relationship themselves. With some creative effort, you can do it — even long distance.

Here are a few tips on making sure you stay faithful to your long distance love:

Try not to go too long without seeing each other.

The longer time you have between visits, the more opportunity you’ll have to play around. Don’t put yourself in a situation you can’t handle. If you see each other at least once every couple of weeks, then you’ll always be fresh off the last visit or anticipating the next one. That should keep your mind off of other people.

Have a wingman (or woman) when you go out.

Of course, just because you’re dating long distance doesn’t mean you can’t go out and enjoy yourself. But if you think you’re the type to stray, you might bring someone to keep you accountable and in check. Be upfront with your friend about needing to stay faithful. They can make sure you don’t do anything stupid when you’re drunk or cross any inappropriate lines.

Talk to your partner about any temptations you have.

Be honest if you’re thinking of cheating. Tell your partner if you’ve had any close calls. It’s much better to have these conversations before any infidelity occurs. Who knows? Your partner may be feeling the same way. If you talk about it, you could actually bond over it and figure out how to overcome it together. But if you wait until something bad happens, it’ll be a much different story. You could even lose the relationship.

#2: Text Less, FaceTime More

So many people choose to text all the time when long distance dating. That’s a huge mistake. You both need to hear each other’s voice and see each other’s reactions when you’re talking… otherwise you may have a relationship, but you’re not really relating.

After all, when you text, you miss all the other person’s nonverbal cues. (And experts say up to 93% of all communication is nonverbal!) They could say something totally innocent and you might fly off the handle because you think they’re being sarcastic or insensitive. Tone of voice and the look on someone’s face is super important.

Texting may give a false sense of closeness, but having your conversations on video will help you get to know each other for real. You’ll get a better sense of your partner’s full personality, and will pay more attention to the conversation with them that way.



So, I say make it a point to FaceTime your long-distance partner at least three times a week. No exceptions. Think of it as something critical you need to do if you want to stay together. In fact, you should only text to lock down a FaceTime appointment.

#3: Set In-Person TDLs

Saying goodbye after spending a weekend can be difficult. That’s why it’s important to always have plans for our next visit.

Always set your next weekend together before you say goodbye. This will give you something to look forward to. Without the next visit planned out, you might open the door to a temptation to cheat, or simply forget about one another and drift apart. A plan for a new visit will give you both something to focus on.

And if you do make plans, don’t be vague. I recommend you really solidify it with a TDL (that’s time, date, and location for those of you not familiar). I usually tell people to use TDLs when asking for a date because it astronomically increases the chances of the date actually happening, mainly because it’s specific. So you might give your partner a TDL for the next visit by saying something like, “Next month it’s my birthday and I’m celebrating with just a few close friends. I’d really love for you to fly in on Thursday the 24th to join us.”

Aside from the next visit, you should also eventually discuss when you will move closer to each other if this is long-term. Talk about real timelines and how that can happen.

Giving TDLs makes things clear and also makes the relationship feel more real. That way, your partner feels like you value them and are truly committed.

#4: Create Rules

If you’re like many couples, your personalities may be different. If so, you both might have different expectations in the relationship. This can create conflict if you don’t lay down some rules. By “rules,” I mean, a joint plan about how you’ll accommodate each other’s needs. You need to be on the same page about how you want to be communicated with, too — and then honor that.

Before you figure out your rules, first determine each of your attachment styles. This will tell you a lot about where you each are coming from. A “securely” attached person will have little to no problem getting close to people and relying on them. An “avoidant” attachment style describes someone who keeps others at arm’s length, and an “anxious” attachment style refers to those who need reassurance from their partner and may be clingy.

Avoidants often pair up with anxiously attached people. This is the classic relationship where one person constantly needs space while the other chases them for attention. If this is you, then you’ll need some rules for how to communicate. Will you agree to call her every night even though it might feel excessive to you? Can she be okay with you not being around to talk on Saturday nights because you need time with your friends?

No matter what you both need, be honest about it. Then work on a plan to make you both happy.

#5: Be Fair with Traveling

To avoid resentment, alternate who jumps on a plane to visit the other person. And if there’s a good reason why one person always travels to the other, then make sure it’s even financially. Remember, you both have a responsibility to take care of your own needs. That means you can’t let things be one-sided. If one person secretly thinks they are more accommodating with travel than the other, you could end up with a problem on your hands.

Also — and this is key — you need to talk about this openly. Don’t just wing it and expect them to “make up for it on the next visit” or hide your feelings. If you don’t talk about it, and the other person visits you rarely or never, you have to be honest with yourself. Is this a real relationship? Perhaps not, for many different reasons: Maybe they don’t care, or don’t want to get married like you do, are avoidant, etc. Figure out what the deal is if you can.



#6: Don’t Go MIA

Just because you’re 500 miles away doesn’t mean you shouldn’t respond to a call or text within a reasonable amount of time. Keeping in touch regularly is always important, but even more so in a long distance dating situation. It keeps you both assured that the relationship is still active and that you’re making the other person a priority.

With that in mind here’s one tip: On your smartphones, you both can activate your “read receipts” so you know if the other person has read your message. (Of course, don’t forget that you should be calling and video chatting more than texting!)

You can also avoid going MIA by just making brief contacts throughout the day. It doesn’t have to be anything big. Just drop a note to let them know you’re thinking of them, like “goodnight” or “good morning.” Even if you don’t get a response, they’ll notice that you’re reaching out.

If you do go MIA with no explanation, your partner may assume you’re not interested and then go MIA on you. This gets into game-playing that shuts down real communication and stalls the relationship.

#7: Create Goals

If you want this to be a real, long-lasting relationship, then you’ll need a clear endgame. What would each of you say is the goal for this relationship? To finish school and eventually find a city to move in together? For one of you to quit your job and move to where the other one lives? Having a common goal will keep the bond going and give you both something to look forward to.

It will also make the relationship feel more solidified. You and your partner will feel more comfortable making long term decisions that may affect one another. You might make certain adjustments to your lives in anticipation of your next step.

On the other hand, if you don’t want to set a goal — or if your partner doesn’t — that’s okay, too. Just know that it will be harder for you guys to keep the relationship going as your lives eventually start to go in different directions. If you aren’t attached to this being long term, then you can enjoy the time you have together without worrying about the future.

Long Distance Dating: Wrap-Up

Being in a long distance relationship can be frustrating if you’re also looking for a real, long-term partner. If you find yourself in this situation, it’s super important to remember these tips and make your moves accordingly. You don’t want to get stuck on a fantasy of your partner without knowing the real thing. And you don’t want to make elaborate plans to be with them forever if that’s not in the cards. On the other hand, you don’t want to sabotage something good by not being available and communicating enough. So either way, this needs to be handled carefully.

Finally, the most important thing you can do is be honest with yourself. Are you getting what you need from long distance dating? Is it even possible? And are you being fair to your partner, if the distance is more under your control?

A coach can help you work through situations like this. Believe me, as someone who’s been in the dating industry for many years, I’ve seen and talked people through this many times. I often discuss these issues with my clients in private or group coaching sessions, and could do the same for you.

Reach out to me or one of my other coaches for an intro call, and together we can figure out how to get your love life going in the right direction. We help people every with their dating & relationship lives — whether it’s with our coaching programs or matchmaking services.



Comments are closed for this article!

Featured Articles