Looking for a few cunnilingus tips? If so, you’re not alone. When it comes to women’s bodies, we’re all a bit confused.  The “we” I’m referring to isn’t just men or women, doctors or students, but everyone. From misdiagnosing heart attacks in females to thinking that an intact hymen signifies virginity when it comes to female equipment, we really don’t have a clue. Nowhere are women’s bodies and minds more misunderstood than when it comes to female sexuality. Just last century doctors suggested that women can choose when they wanted to become pregnant or not. That’s right. As if a woman’s eggs had a bouncer they could consciously control, either rejecting certain sperm or letting them into the VIP area. There are a number of reasons we still don’t understand how women’s sexuality works. They range from the stigma around discussing and researching women’s sexuality, to treating male sexuality as the normative, to simply living in a patriarchal world that looks down on women and their sexual needs.  For centuries men have been misunderstanding and perpetuating myths about women’s sexuality. We may thank Freud and his intellectual frat bros for our gross misunderstanding of the female orgasm. It was he that considered vaginal stimulation to be the good and normal form of pleasure, while clitoral stimulation was considered wrong and the more immature way to orgasm. Right now, we’re going to disprove Freud and make up for lost time. Instead of focusing on the vaginal orgasm like centuries worth of men have been doing, we’ll give some much-needed love to the clitoral orgasm.  At this point, you might be asking why we need to focus more on the clit than the vagina? You’ve been having great sex lately and you don’t even know where the clit is, so why change now? Well, it just so happens that every time you have sex, there are two people in the room (barring a raging orgy or peeping tom). When it comes to heterosexual sex, men orgasm 91% of the time. Women on the other hand, orgasm just 39% of the time. That’s an orgasm gap of 52%. That gap widens during hookup sex. We talk about the importance of women’s equality at work but never between the sheets. This needs to change. Don’t you want the girl you’re having sex with to orgasm? Plus, the better the sex, the higher the probability that she’ll keep seeing you. So why does an orgasm gap exist? Primarily because we’re not hitting the right targets. Either because men don’t know or don’t care, the clitoris has been shunned. In a study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, of the 2,000 women interviewed ages 18-94, only 18% said that vaginal penetration alone was enough to bring them to orgasm. That leaves us with 82% of all women that consider clitoral stimulation a requirement in having an orgasm. Wow. Knowing that it can’t be surprising to learn that 10-15% of women have never climaxed while having sex.   It’s time we changed that. It’s time you changed that. From understanding the many components of a vulva to changing how we respect women’s sexual desires, there are plenty of ways that men can start bridging the orgasm gap. But ultimately, your journey to pleasuring women will lead you to cunnilingus. Cunnilingus is oral sex performed on a woman. In this article, I’ll be your vulva guide as you learn how to go down on a girl with these cunnilingus tips.  

Cunnilingus Tips for Guys: Safety First

Before we get into technique, we must talk about safety. Whether it’s a first date or a romp in the sack with a stranger, if she doesn’t feel safe she’s not having a good time. You can have awesome tongue skills, but if she’s lacking confidence, feels awkward, and doesn’t completely trust you, she’s not going to climax.  There’s a reason heterosexual couples orgasm more frequently than do one-night-flings. Not only do those in a committed relationship tend to each other’s sexual needs more vigorously than strangers, but safety enables them both to put their guards down. With a stranger she may feel uncomfortable, worrying about her smell, what to do after sex, etc. It’s your job to put her at ease. This process begins long before you’re under the covers.  She’s less willing to open up to you down there if she hasn’t already opened up to you mentally and emotionally. Unlocking a woman is simple. It’s all about listening, sharing, and understanding. Peel back the layers through probing questions or use the NYT’s famed 36 questions that lead to love. Treat her with respect before, during, and after. In this way she’ll be able to relax when it comes to going down on her. 

Ego Climax

Safety alone won’t get her into the mental state needed to orgasm. Now that she’s safe she’ll also need reassurance that she’s normal. A recent study found that 56% of American women are dissatisfied with their overall appearance. That’s the headline statistic. The study also found that nearly all women can find something about their body that’s worth criticizing. Your job is to make her feel like a goddess, hell even call her one while you two are in bed.  If she’s a bit self-conscious about her body as she walks down the street, imagine how awkward she’ll feel once she’s naked and being kissed by the man she’s crushing on. Do your job as her partner by boosting her confidence. In and outside of the bedroom, tell her she’s beautiful. Tell her she kicks ass, laugh with her, tell her how turned on she makes you and that she smells and tastes good down there (this is a big one). The more confidence she has the easier it’ll be to orgasm. 

Open Communication 

If you’re just interested in cunnilingus tips regarding technique, scroll down. But if you genuinely give a shit about the climax of the woman you’re sharing your bed with, keep reading. Oral sex isn’t just about tongue moves and body positioning, it’s about creating an environment of trust and confidence. In such an environment, communication should be a stream nearly as wet with flow as her vulva.  Going down on a woman isn’t a swift sex act. Sometimes it’ll take 20 minutes of tongue acrobatics before she reaches that pinnacle of sexual pleasure. This is why it’s crucial to understand what turns her on. Every woman is different. During oral sex, some women like clit stimulation 90% of the time while the other 10% is spent with your tongue and fingers taking a jaunt around the vulva. Other women prefer a 50-50 ratio. This, however, is only information you’ll receive once you open your mouth… for communication purposes that is. If the only form of communication you have is via moans and silence, you’ll only receive two messages, good and bad. Oral sex shouldn’t be a black and white act. She should feel comfortable telling you that her clit is sensitive so slow down, that you should put your fingers in her vagina, that she needs a break, that she’s about to cum, etc. Imagine if you couldn’t talk to your teammate during a doubles tennis match? Open up the lines of communication, talk it out, and you both will be rewarded with winner after winner. 

Kerner’s Cunnilingus Manifesto

Ian Kerner is a sex counselor, psychotherapist, author, and cunnilingus maven. In 2004, he published the seminal cunnilingus guide, She Comes First. In it, he creates a cunnilingus manifesto in which he has three rules:

1. Going down on a woman turns you on as much as it does her.
2. There’s no time constraint, take as much time as you need.
3. She smells good and tastes good because she is a goddess. 

Before you even begin salivating, ruminate on this manifesto and embody it. 

Cunnilingus Tips for Guys #1: Start Slow, End Slow

Any good head begins before you’re even in position. Once you’re in the bedroom, don’t rip off her clothes, go down on her, and then start thrusting as if it’s a 30-yard dash. Think of sex as a marathon, the kind of marathon you’ve spent years preparing for. Now that you’ve finally made it to the big dance, it’s time to show off. Oral sex should be executed in movements. Movement one involves getting both you and her in the mood.  During the date, you’ve made her feel both comfortable, trusting, and beautiful. Once she’s back in your apartment, it’s time to begin phase two, foreplay. Foreplay entails passionate kissing, complementing her bulbous lips, touching her vulva while her pants are on, touching her thighs, hair, legs, neck, a little dry humping etc. Remember Kerner’s manifesto, “There’s no time constraint, take as much time as you need.” 

#2: It’s Okay To Be Boring

Once her pants are off and you’ve found a nice cushion to rest your knees on, it’s time to get that tongue wagging. It’s at this point that many a man would try to finger her while simultaneously beating her clit with his tongue as if it were a punching bag -don’t do that. Move slow and create patterns. Consistency is the best way to pleasure a woman when it comes to oral or even vaginal sex.  Start things off slow by licking her entire vulva. That’s right. Start at the base of her vulva and slowly lick upwards until you reach her clitoris. Do this five slow and sensual times. The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings (the penis has about half that). It’s the epicenter of the female orgasm. That, however, doesn’t mean you should neglect the rest of her vulva. Imagine if during sex or while receiving a blowjob, you only stimulated the tip of the penis? The entire vulva has nerve endings, sure the clitoris has the most, but comprehensive pleasure won’t be achieved until the entire vulva has received attention.  As you’re giving head, try to do so with your tongue and gums resulting in a 45-degree angle. This will make it more comfortable for the both of you. You also want her legs at about a 90-degree angle or close enough so that you can rest your head against either leg.  Keep in mind that there are many oral sex positions you can adopt. For the purposes of this introductory cunnilingus article we’ll approach oral sex from the missionary position, just imagine your face is where your head is. 

#3: If You’re Nose Isn’t Wet Neither Is She

Your nose should be touching her vulva. If you can’t touch her clit with your nose, you’re too far away. Stimulating her at such a close range will enable you to flex your tongue any which way. Licking her from a distance means refusing to use the full length of your tongue in order to bring her to climax. If the thought of vagina juice running up your nose is gross, reassess why you’re even down there in the first place. Think back to Kerner’s manifesto, “going down on a woman turns you on as much as it does her.” 

#4: Find Your Routine

Stop changing it up every 10 seconds. How would you feel if after every 10 seconds she decided to change how she sucked your penis? Rhythm is the key to sexual success.  When going down on her, stick to a pattern. Find out what works for you and don’t deviate from it too much. 

#5: Tongue Acrobatics

Don’t think of yourself as a macho man that’s gonna give it to her hard. Rather, consider your tongue to be a gentle butterfly, lightly fluttering its wings along her vagina. Don’t use her clit like a punching bag or flutter your tongue quickly as if it’s a helicopter propeller. Think slow and methodical.  Let’s get back to those first five initial licks where you started at the base of the vulva and licked upwards. This is your safe stroke. When in doubt always come back to it. After those five strokes, focus a bit more on the clit. Many a female will have her own unique preference, but the motion you should lick for is circular, the same motion you’d use when stimulating her clit with your finger. A circular/up-down motion is generally a safer bet than a side to side, or prodding motion. Lick slow and steady, being sure never to overdo it on the direct clit-licks. 

#6: Look Elsewhere

70-30, 80-20 or 50-50? How much attention should be spent on the clit versus the rest of the vulva? This is why communication is so damn important. To be safe, I’d say 75-25. 75% of the time, satisfy her clitoral needs. The other 25% of the time can be spent wandering with intent. Give her clit some time to breathe as you play with her breasts, lick her nipples, or palpate her vagina. Here are two moves to keep in mind while you’re giving her awesome head. 

1. Travel up north. Give your tongue a break for a moment as you let your fingers do the flexing. Replace your tongue with your hand and start stimulating her clit with a circular motion. As this happens you can start kissing her breasts, neck, mouth, whatever part of her body you prefer. 
2. Come hither motion. As your kissing her, insert a finger or two into her vagina. Once you’re in there, curl your fingers upwards so that they begin to make a C-shape. You want to go for the same motion you make when you use a finger to indicate to a friend that you want them to come to you. Some say that this is the g-spot. G-spot or not, she’s into it. 

Cunnilingus Tips #7: Switch It Up

A personal favorite of mine involves a motion that’s less about licking and more about sucking. As far as cunnilingus tips, this is my personal favorite. After letting her clitoris remain untouched for a minute or so, begin to gently suck on her clit. Hold it in between your lips and mouth like a grape, being ever so gentle so as to not pop it. Go slow, and suck on her clit for a second or two before letting it breathe again. Only do this in spurts, you can quickly inundate her with sensation if you don’t give it a respite.  Be prepared for going down on a woman for 20 minutes. Be prepared to enjoy it too. Giving someone cunnilingus will never be enjoyable if one party absolutely hates the act of giving head. Make this a worthy act for both of you.