We all have those people in our lives that never seem to go away.

The ex-girlfriend that hits you up after five years of not speaking or that girl you went out with that one time that always likes your IG posts and occasionally slides into your DMs.

Most of the time it’s harmless, but sometimes the person that tries to pry their way back into your life is as malignant as flesh-eating bacteria.

The habit of toxic former partners trying to reconnect has become so common there’s even a name for it. 

Hoovering is when someone that’s previously hurt you tries to reconnect and become a part of your life again.

Hoovering is something manipulative people have been doing forever. In this article, we’ll put a name to that habit, examine hoovering signs, and help you avoid being thrown off by hoovers.

What Is Hoovering In Dating?

We need to make an important distinction here.

An out-of-the-blue text from someone you used to date isn’t necessarily hoovering.

An out-of-the-blue text from someone you used to date that was toxic, manipulative, and probably a narcissist is 100% hoovering.

Any attempt to reconcile, reconnect, or just talk made by a mean-spirited former flame is an act of hoovering.

It’s called hoovering because it feels as though this person is hovering above you as they attempt to assert their dominance. A text from a former flame you had a positive experience with wouldn’t elicit the same sort of dread or nervous excitement that a message from a hoover would.

Signs She Might Be Hoovering

It’s incredibly difficult to differentiate when someone is hoovering versus a text from a long-lost flame.

Here are a few signs the person you’re in touch with is hoovering in a romantic context.

Contacting You At Random And Love Bombing

A text after a few months or years of estrangement should set off an alarm of sorts.

Why after all this time is this person trying to reconnect? What’s their aim?

If they’ve waited long enough to reconnect you might not remember the dynamic that well. Perhaps you don’t recall if they were toxic or the relationship unhealthy.

One sign they’re not in the best of headspaces is if they immediately love bomb you.

Love bombing happens when you’re being bombarded with lovey-dovey texts.

She’ll say things like:

• I miss you
• You’re an amazing person
• I really want to see you
• I dream about you

She’ll complement and complement until you cave.

That’s her way back into your life.

Because how could someone so full of complements be bad?

It’s an effective strategy, one that a hoover applies well.

Apologizing Profusely

Narcissists can’t be made to look wrong.

They can’t be snubbed, rejected, or turned away.

Their ego just can’t handle the rejection.

They’re overly apologetic because they know it’s the easiest way to win you back and heal their damaged ego. They tell you they’ve changed, apologize, and then ask for another chance.

If you want to give them a chance, make them work for it. Slowly allow them back into your life.

That means first apologizing at length, having a conversation about what they did wrong, and acknowledging what they did wrong before slowly starting to date again. 

Take note of how they’ve changed.

If they haven’t it might be time to stop seeing them and blocking their number and SM accounts.

Gifts On Gifts

It’s old-school and it’s also hoover-school.

In our material world gifts are an easy and effective way to declare our affection for another.

Is the person seeking to reconnect sending you gifts?

Did they send sweets to work, mail you an unconventional gift they somehow knew you wanted, or brought you something on a date?

Gifts can send the wrong message in the sweetest way. 

Eat the chocolates but block the sender.

Using Others To Talk To You

She knows what she did.

She knows the harm she caused you.

That’s why she’s not directly contacting you.

Instead, she’s using acquaintances and friends to get in touch with you on behalf of her.

But what does this look like in practice?

• She tells friends in common that she misses you and wants to see you again
• Your parents are reached out to as she first tries to make amends with them
• Asking your friends to invite her to the next social outing
• Planting the seed among your social group that you two are patching things up

The Brush Off

So far, all of these hoovering techniques have implied guilt. She wouldn’t act this way if she knew that she didn’t do wrong by you.

But not all tactics need be so roundabout.

The simplest tactic she might use is to not acknowledge the fact that she hasn’t spoken to you in months or years or acknowledge the fact that she hurt you.

She’ll just shoot you a text as if nothing happened at all.

If you don’t acknowledge the way she treated you, neither will she.

You two can just go on acting like she didn’t hurt you at all.

This is probably the most unhealthy way someone can hoover.

Pleasssse Hellllp

They tried love-bombing, getting your parents on their side, and gifting you sweets — it all failed.

Now they’re rolling the dice one last time. 

But this time, they’re leaving their pride behind.

You’re the only one that can help me. 

This is a message they might send as they desperately try to win your attention.

You’re the only person that knows how to do this. 

She stabs you in the heart and then twists the knife as she makes you feel guilty for not helping her.

Maybe she has car problems, tax issues, or hell, just doesn’t know how to put together her new Ikea desk.

Or maybe it’s all part of some big plan to win back your affection.

To make your little heart not feel so bad, consider pointing her in the direction of someone else that can help.

Asking for help after hurting you is a vile trick to play. Avoid making contact at all costs.

What Is Hoovering In Dating & Why It’s Harmful

At first, her texts may look innocent.

She wants to grab a drink or apologize for something she’s done in the past.

They seem well-intentioned, but don’t forget who this person really is or how they treated you.

The best way to respond when a toxic person makes contact is not to respond.

Block their number, block their social media accounts, and send a clear message that you like things how they were; estranged.

You’re likely to give them a chance if you have little else going on for you romantically.

You might think finally, someone is once again giving you the attention you crave.

It’s easy to make bad decisions when you’re feeling lonely.

So don’t feel lonely.

Easier said than done.

Though if you’re going to put in the work to feel less lonely and find a partner of merit, the best way to do so is with MegaDating.

MegaDating

MegaDating is all about finding an ideal partner as quickly as possible.

To do so you’re going to use a proactive approach that involves dating various women simultaneously.

If the goal is to find an extremely compatible partner, the only way to do that is by meeting a ton of women.

MegaDating helps you do this by teaching you to mine your social circles to go on express dates. 

In our program, Dating Decoded we teach you how to meet women:

• Via dating apps
• Through friends
• At work
• Via Meetup and Facebook groups
• At parties
• While at the gym
• A dozen other ways

But securing various dates means you’ll have to invest countless hours every week meeting women right?

Nope.

We’ve designed an express dating system.

Adhering to our method means going on first dates that last no more than one hour and cost no more than $15-20. 

We recognize that first dates are really meetings between two strangers. Upon laying eyes on your date for the first time you may realize there’s no connection. To avoid spending hundreds of dollars and hours with this person we advise limiting first dates to one hour and under $20.

Our MegaDating program will also teach you the blueprint for the first three dates.

Here’s a sneak peek.

Second Dates

Second dates should be 100% free so as to ward off gold diggers, take place during the day (ideally Saturdays), and be physical. Think yoga, biking, jogging, or a leisurely stroll.

Third Dates

If she’s lucky enough to make it to the third date the time and financial restrictions are now taken off. Feel free to take her to an amazing restaurant, followed by a little dancing. This is the time to show her how much she means to you.

Moving Forward

Hoovering is best avoided by finding someone new.

The best way to do this is by MegaDating.

Our program, Dating Decoded will teach you how to MegaDate, meet women online, and go on killer first, second, and third dates with the goal of getting you into a long term relationship for good.

I’d like to learn more about you and your romantic goals.

Chat with me or a member of my team via a 1-on-1 Zoom call. We can talk about your romantic history, ideal future, and about how my program can help you make that future come true.