Maybe you feel like dating’s no longer worth it. Or like Tinder is starting to become a huge black hole. If you’re tired of dating, I wish you were here so I could shake you. Repeat after me: Dating is supposed to be fun!
But nowadays, it’s so easy to feel like it’s not. Today’s dating landscape is not for the faint of heart, and it can feel pretty lonely at times. You might even start to feel like you’re the problem.
This could be partially true — there are always things we can learn to improve on, after all — but most likely, it’s one of two things:
- Your dating strategy is off
- You’re actually burned out
If you feel like you’re truly tired of dating, here’s what I want you to do: Commit to taking two full weeks off from it. And what should you do with that two weeks? It depends on your current mindset.
First, Are You Suffering from Dating Burnout?
This is the first thing you need to figure out. Being actually burned out on dating is very different than just needing to spice things up.
To evaluate this, take a good look at how much you’re investing in your dating life. Be brutally honest with yourself, because this information can tell you a lot. Think about how much you put into your dating life in terms of both money and time.
Truth time: How much money do you spend on your dates? A recent survey showed that the average single person spends $146 a month on dating. In my opinion, it’s way too much.
Constantly overspending on dates will quickly lead to burnout. Why? Because it can actually sabotage your chances. When you spend a ton of money in the early stages (before getting to know someone), it gives your date the message that she is more valuable than you are. People can sense when you are throwing money at them to try to win them over. It’s easy to become resentful when you spend all that money on people who don’t appreciate it. And if you’re doing this all the time, you may already be burned out.
So, do yourself a favor and spend less money on those early dates. You’ll be way less frustrated. In fact, I recommend the following formula:
- First date: Take her on a short date that costs no more than $10.
- Second date: Spend NO money, and do something active or outdoorsy together (think hiking, farmer’s market, etc.).
- Third date: Take her out to dinner.
Another way to evaluate burnout is to ask yourself: How much time have you spent on dating? Of course, technology now makes it even easier to answer this question. For example, iPhones now have a “Screen Time” widget inside their settings. So, take a peek: Over the last 7 days, how many hours have you spent on each one of your dating apps? 5 hours, 10 hours? More? If you haven’t looked at this yet, you might be shocked. Needless to say, if you’re spending hours a day scrolling through POF or Hinge you’ll get burned out eventually.
Do you think you could be burned out? If so, here’s some advice.
What to Do If You Are Truly Burned Out on Dating
If you really think you’re burned out, don’t keep dating. You don’t want to be the “angry guy” on the apps who sends nasty messages to women who don’t write him back — or worse, turns his whole dating profile into a rant. Take a breath and do something productive instead. Here are some ideas.
Unplug from the Grid
Just to be clear, the “grid” means all the ways we connect through technology: your smartphone, social media, apps, email … the list goes on. If you’re burned out on dating, you’re probably too immersed in the digital world in general. So take a break from it, because you may not realize how much it’s draining you.
My boyfriend and I recently took a week off to unplug, actually. We visited the Dominican Republic. While we were away, we rarely looked at our phones, and truly got our energy back. So, grab a single friend and explore a new country. Leave your computers at home and lock up your phone in the hotel room’s safe. Try not to look at it for a full week (or more realistically, at least for a day or two).
Even if you can’t go on a big trip, you can still unplug. Try going without internet for a weekend, or just not looking at your phone right after you wake up. Take small steps toward planting your feet more in the real world, so the digital one doesn’t feel so important.
Make a Plan to Move
Changing your environment can do wonders for your mindset. If you’re tired of dating to the point of burnout, then you might consider a move to a different type of place. For example, do you live in a small town with little or no dating prospects? You might be feeling burned out on dating because you’ve literally run out of people to meet, or because you seem to be somehow connected to everyone you encounter.
Or, maybe you’re burned out while dating in a big city like New York or San Francisco. You might find it easy to meet people in a city environment, but harder to connect. Urban dwellers often have a “wall” up when it comes to relating to each other. But, a more suburban or country area could breathe life into your dating experience. In that case, the grass really is greener on the other side!
Revamp Your Social Circle
Who you spend time with can have a huge effect on how you feel. Not only that, but some experts say we’re actually the average of the five people we spend the most time with.
Look at who you spend time with on a daily basis: Are they helping or hindering your love quest? Here’s is who is probably helping:
- People you feel comfortable enough to confide in
- People who support your ideas
And, here’s who probably isn’t helping:
- People who are constantly negative
- People who enable your bad habits
- People who put down your choices, or judge you
- People who are jealous of you and make you feel bad
If you have too many people in the second category, maybe it’s time to start pruning those relationships.
Tips to Improve If You Want to Keep Dating
Perhaps all of this sounds a little extreme so far, and you don’t exactly feel like you’re burned out. Instead, you’re just a little tired of dating and could use some tips. Here’s what I recommend.
Look at Your Dating Style
Reflect on your most recent dates. Like literally, how did they go? Ask yourself how you want to feel on your dates, and then figure out where the disconnect is happening. For example, you may want to have stimulating intellectual conversation on your dates. Or, you might prioritize having fun, or playing around with sexual tension. Really look at your expectations.
Now, the question is: Are you setting up your dates to experience that? In other words, do you hope to have deep intellectual conversation but usually take your dates to loud happy hours and split a bottle of wine? Are you a high-energy person that needs dates to be more fun, but always give in when they suggest coffee? How can you redesign your dates to get more of what you want?
Look at Who You Are Attracting
Take a look at your previous dating partners. There could be a pattern there that speaks volumes. How would you describe the personality of each of your exes? Could you use the same word to describe more than one of them? The theme you find could be anything: neurotic, needy, confident, controlling, nurturing, critical, etc.
Then, look at your dating profile. Is there anything in it that might be attracting women you’d rather avoid? It may be helpful to have a friend help you do this, so you get a more objective opinion.
Also, besides dating apps, consider where you usually meet women in real life, both now and in the past. Do you find yourself always checking out women at your job? There’s nothing wrong with dating someone you meet at work, but keep in mind that it could limit you to a certain type of person, depending on your industry. Widen your net by doing things you don’t normally do, like going to single meetups, volunteering, doing a charity bike race, going on a hike you wanted to go on for some time.
Let an Expert Help You
Having someone analyze your current dating strategy could give you a fresh perspective on what you’re doing right, as well as what you’re doing wrong. A coach who has seen the patterns of many daters can instantly pick out the roadblocks you can’t see. They can also give you honest feedback on how you’re coming across to women and help you improve your marketing, so to speak.
Tired of Dating: Wrap-Up
No matter what you decide to do, make sure to enjoy your two weeks off from dating. Do cool things. If you go somewhere, take pictures. You can even add them to your profile to refresh your image and show women exactly what it is you have to offer: a good time!
Also, don’t forget — dating is supposed to be fun. And if it isn’t, I can help. In fact, not getting help with such an important thing as your dating life could be the very thing that’s holding you back from reaching your goals. Book a 1-on-1 New Client Skype session with me to find out to get more out of your dating efforts. We’ll take a brief look into your dating history, create an action plan, and also determine if my 3-month Signature program is right for you.