It’s not you, it’s me.

This rejection refrain has been etched into the psyche of unrequited lovers far and wide.

But what does it really mean when she says, “it’s me.”

Sex, marriage, and birthrate are all on the decline in America.

When she says “it’s me” she may be referring to cultural reasons why love has taken a back seat. Like many Americans that are part of the shrinking middle class, she may be afraid of commitment because she can’t afford a serious relationship. Or perhaps she, like many other women, are too sidetracked by the endless buffet of man flesh on dating apps. Her FOMO may be deterring her from going all-in on your relationship.

She’s afraid of commitment for, well, maybe a myriad of reasons.

Even if she told you why she’s afraid of commitment, you still may have questions. In this article, we’ll attempt to expound on her reason for why she isn’t ready to sign up for an exclusive relationship.

She’s Afraid of Commitment: Have a Discussion with Her

The best relationships are founded are open lines of communication.

Don’t interrogate, rather ask her tactfully why she’s afraid of commitment. You can speculate and read all the content online about why she’s not ready, but only she can provide you with the truth of the situation.

Ask her why she’s afraid of committing and what you can do to mitigate her fear. Always be respectful when inquiring and know when to back down. The next time you see her, playfully broach the subject and ask her to clarify her sticking points.

After this conversation ends so do the inquiries. Don’t pester her later on to further clarify reasons.

This also gives you an opportunity to figure out if you truly want to be with someone that’s so lukewarm about your shared future.

If she still hasn’t made clear the reasons for her romantic ambivalence, maybe I can help clear some things up for you.

She Has Concerns About The Health Of Her Children 

Genetics can be scary.

If there are addictions, maladies, or mental health issues that run in the family, you or your partner may be having concerns about the health of your potential offspring.

She may be afraid that her child will be sick, get cancer, or develop some other compromising health issue. Whatever the health concern she’s having about your shared genetics, the first step is to research more about it.

In her mind, a history of mental illness or hereditary genetic disorders may make her feel like damaged goods. She might purposefully sabotage a relationship because she knows she doesn’t want to have kids or assumes that the person she’s dating won’t want to have them with her.

Address these fears by delicately having her open up to you about her fears as they relate to bearing children. Tell her that she isn’t damaged goods and that the time to have children isn’t now, so don’t worry. For the moment just enjoy your time with each other and see what happens.

She Has Concerns About Addictive Tendencies

No one wants to date someone with an addictive personality. Whether that addiction is to work, drugs, or social media, this addiction might be an obstacle to commitment.

Address this issue through your actions. Ensure her that you’re not like other men she’s dated. You’re a man worth being with because you can handle yourself, you take everything in moderation, and you’re always in control.

But hey, words are formed easier than behavior. She may need a bit more persuading before she’s willing to change her FB relationship status.

She Can’t Visualize A Future With You

For whatever reason, she can’t see it.

Maybe it’s because your political views are different, your child-rearing styles clash, you come from different parts of the country, she’s a vegan and you love a good beef tenderloin.

Ask her what those differences might be. If there are some deal-breaking differences she can’t overcome, then thank her for letting you know and move on.

Financial Concerns

Single women nowadays are experiencing a crisis.

Studies have shown that men are largely to blame for the decrease in marriage. A shortage of financially stable men has led women to romantically meander through a subpar dating scene.

This new trend is so striking, that it became the impetus behind the creation of the “elitist Tinder” dating app, The League.

She might think you’re financially unqualified to seriously date her if you haven’t been flashing the cash. If you’re following the MegaDating blueprint, keeping the cash in your wallet was always part of the plan.

I recommend spending no more than $10 on the first two dates in order to ward off gold diggers and ensure that you can enjoy this person without having to splash the cash on a pricey date idea. If the relationship warrants a third date, open your wallet and dazzle her with a ritzy third date.

She Feels Trapped

This one probably has little to do with you.

The fear of being trapped may come from two places.

One is FOMO. She sees as the other men online and thinks there’s someone better out there for her. She fears that if she becomes exclusive with you, she’ll never find him. This is more so on her than you.

This fear could also come from her attachment style. Attachment styles are developed in our youth and shape how our social relationships as adults. Her fear of commitment may stem from losses or social absences she experienced as a child.

Understanding the attachment style of the woman you’re dating will make empathizing and understanding her thought process much easier.

She’s Afraid She’ll Cheat or You Will 

Traumatic experiences are carried with us throughout our entire lives.

Whether she was cheated on or her parents split because of infidelity, the trauma felt by these experiences is indelible. It has shaped her psyche and is now playing out in your relationship.

Attempt to assuage her of the fear of cheating by talking about her past and reminding her that you’ve always been loyal to her.

Also voice that it’s better to take the plunge than to have stayed home and risked nothing.

She’s Afraid Her Children Won’t Know Their Grandparents

Maybe both of her parents aren’t in the picture and she doesn’t want your children to grow up without a strong family network. Maybe her parents are in the picture but they never put in an effort to visit with or get to know their other grandchildren and she doesn’t want that to happen to your kids too. It’s important to have close connections and a strong network of support for your children, but that doesn’t mean it has to always come from blood relatives.

No single discussion will mitigate these fears. If you need to, talk to a trained relationship counselor to sort out any problems.

She’s Afraid Holidays Will Always Be Depressing

It sounds kind ridiculous, doesn’t it?

She may not want to commit because her/your parents are nuts and it might make holidays melancholy and awkward.

While you may disagree with the reason she’s afraid of commitment, this doesn’t mean you should brush it aside.

Hear her out and propose possible scenarios or steps you can take to ensure that your holiday season is as joyous as it should be. 

Get Clear on Why You Feel the Way You Do

Is everything really all honky dory in your relationship?

For whatever reason, she has fears about commitment. Should you have them too? If you don’t, why not?

Let’s explore the reasons why you might want to stay in the relationship despite all the signs telling you that you should end it.

“I’m Afraid I’ll Never Find A Better Partner”

Are you with this woman because you’re proud to be with her, or because you’re proud to not be alone?

The fear of not being able to find someone isn’t why you should want to stay in a relationship. Is fear keeping you together?

You can address this fear by MegaDating. MD is the act of dating prolifically. It involves setting up multiple dates a week. Setting up even a date a week may seem far-fetched at this moment, but after I show you how to tap social and digital streams to mine for dates, you’ll never spend another Friday night alone.

“I’m Afraid The Business We’ve Built Together (or something similar) Will Fail”

This is a tough one. A pricey tough one. The kind of tough one that leads to men staying in subpar relationships for their entire existence.

Every breakup requires a certain level of tact, but breaking up with someone who’s both your romantic and business partner requires an Esther Perel level of tact. Consider consulting with a relationship counselor when breaking up with this woman. You want to ensure that the split is amicable so as to not threaten the demise of your business.

“I’m Afraid Of Losing My Best Friend”

Time heals all.

After the breakup, pressure yourself to physically break away from this person.

You both need time to deal with the breakup in your own ways. It’ll take longer for the wound to heal if your former significant other is always around to pick at it.

After you two have been given a few months without conversing, begin to reconnect as friends.

Whatever you do, don’t immediately try to transition to a platonic relationship after the romantic one ends.

“My Family Loves Her”

Your mother doesn’t have to date her, you do.

It’s gravy and all that your folks dig her. But this is your relationship, not theirs.

“We’ve Lived Together So Long, I Don’t Know How I’d Manage On My Own”

Routines are comfy. Even the routines that when reflected on later are deemed egregious.

Even when we know the relationship has run its course, it can be difficult to part from it. In time I promise that you’ll be better off. You’re more capable of adapting to life after her than you realize.

“I’m Worried About Being Able To Support Myself”

More so you’re worried about a bruised ego.

Perhaps you’ll have to trade in your Tesla for a Prius or get a roommate or two.

Yes, you may have to change the way you live your life, but life will go on. The ritz and the glam may go away for a while, but freedom and the possibility for new beginnings will fill that space.

The Next Step

She’s afraid of commitment and you’re having second thoughts about the relationship.

Love ain’t easy kid.

What makes love even more difficult is when you go it alone.

As a dating coach, I help men that feel helpless create a plan of attack. We’ll assess what you really want and create a plan of action that will help you attain your romantic goals.

Whether it’s creating an online dating profile, figuring out how to take your relationship to the next level, or just coming up with an awesome date idea, I’ve got you covered.

Schedule a 1-on-1 Zoom call now so that we can begin creating a tailor-made dating plan that works for you. We’ll strategize together to get you setup for the future. At the end of the call, if you need deeper support, we’ll discuss my 3 month group and private coaching programs along with my matchmaking services.