Hi guys! It’s me, Emyli—founder of Emlovz.com and America’s Dating Coach for Men. Today, I want to talk about dealing with the end of a relationship. Specifically, the aftermath of one, and your best course of action following the breakup.
A lot of men want to know how long does it take to get over a breakup and how to get over a breakup with a girl. It’s a question that I get asked about a lot—by both my most heartbroken clients, as well as my most resilient, and everyone in between. Unless you’re one of those magical unicorns that marries their high school sweetheart and lives happily ever after, everyone goes through a breakup at some point in their lives. It’s reassuring to know what to expect and how to act when it happens to you.
How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup?
Obviously, how long it takes to get over a breakup is different for everyone. The length of time it takes for us to recover will depend on how long you were together and how in love (or not in love) you really were. But perhaps most important of all, is what ended the actual relationship in the first place.
In one of my private Skype sessions, I would be able to talk to you about your specific circumstances, your breakup experience, and give personalized advice on how to overcome what’s going on. All of this will help you achieve real happiness in your next relationship. For now, this article will focus on helping you get over your current breakup situation and give you some tools to move forward. For more specific advice detailed to your relationship situation and personalized coaching, don’t hesitate to book a new client coaching session with me today.
As I said before, in this article we’re going to go over some of the most common break-up scenarios and what to expect from each of them. You’re also going to learn some strategies on how to recover from these inevitable moments, why they’re important for your relationship history, and how they can help you learn how to move on to achieve the best possible outcome for your love life.
To get started, let’s talk about the most common reasons that people break up with each other—and how each of these situations might affect your own recovery time. To begin, let’s discuss one of the most important factors in getting over a breakup—and that’s who broke up with who.
Are You Doing the Breaking, or Did She Break Up With You?
Did you break up with her, or did she break up with you?
If that’s the first time you’ve been asked this question, brace yourself to hear it at least a zillion more times. When people find out that a relationship has ended, this is usually the first thing they want to know.
Unless things are completely and 100% mutual, there’s always going to be an instigator to the relationship, either directly or indirectly. Usually, the person doing the breaking up is the one that’s going to be the least hurt.
If you are the one that broke up the relationship or are planning to, you’re going to have to deal with the impacts of the split in some way. Whether it’s dealing with residual pain, wondering whether or not you made the right decision, and at the very least, trying to learn from the past will help you move smoothly into the future.
If you’re the one that was broken up with, your struggle might be a little more complicated than that. Depending on how you really felt about the relationship, it will probably feel harder for you to move on. My advice to people struggling to get over someone is to take two weeks to grieve consciously. Any longer than that is just wallowing, and will not be helpful or effective for you in any way.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s move on to the reasons people break up with each other. Perhaps your particular reason isn’t listed here, but chances are, it is. Read on to find out what to expect for each circumstance, and how to move on to something better as quickly and constructively as possible.
Breakup Reason #1: Falling Out of Love or Growing Apart
Falling out of love—whether it was one of you or both of you, must be the most common reason for most breakups—which is why I listed it first.
For some of us that fall under this category, falling out of love is a long and drawn out process—while for others, it comes as a sudden realization with a fast fall-out.
Then there’s the whole issue of mutuality. Was breaking up a mutual decision between both people in the relationship, or was it one-sided? Was the breakup expected, or did it hit you like a ton of bricks?
Obviously, if you were the one doing the leaving, you’re going to recover a lot faster than if you were the one that was left. Many of my clients suffering from heartbreak want to know how long does it take to get over a breakup because they can’t seem to get over it on their own.
I think that the most important thing for both people in this type of situation is to understand what went wrong, and what part each of them had to play in the breakup. You might want to ask yourself the following questions:
- What did you do (or not do) that you wish you’d done differently now?
- How can you learn from the past, and how can that knowledge help you in your future relationships?
- How have your standards changed (or not changed) after going through the last relationship, and how will this help you choose who you date next?
If someone has fallen out of love with you, give yourself some time to grieve. The pain of rejection is always difficult and is accompanied by a terrible blow to your self-confidence. You’ll need some time to see clearly past the hurt and pain you might be feeling, and it can be very difficult to think about how this change will be good for you in the long run. But it will be, if you use the relationship as a learning experience that will help you to become a better person. For more on this topic, here’s a great article I wrote on ways to heal a broken heart.
Breakup Reason #2: Somebody Cheated (Or Just Thinks Someone Did)
Whether you cheated, she cheated, you both cheated or nobody cheated at all (we’ll get to that later)—infidelity is often a hot topic in relationships.
If you cheated and she found out, you might be feeling guilty, frustrated and emotionally exhausted, especially if you made a mistake and didn’t want the relationship to end. To get over this faster, you’re going to have to accept the circumstances for what they are and try to move on. Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s how we learn from them and what we do to become better people that really matters.
If she cheated, you’re likely to feel the same emotional exhaustion that she feels—coupled with the heavy baggage and trust issues that you’re likely to gain from the experience of being with an unfaithful partner. It’s important to remember here that not everyone cheats, and it helps to understand why people do and what you can do to build a healthy and honest relationship with someone else in the future. If you want to get over it faster, you’ve got to do everything humanly possible to forgive and forget—not the lessons you learned from the experience, but the emotions you feel towards the person that hurt you.
If your relationship was broken up because of suspicions that were never truly founded, then the cause of the split is trust. Trust issues can and will irreparably damage a relationship. No one likes to be badgered about something that they’re not guilty of, or unjustly accused of something when they’re innocent.
On the other side of the coin, no one likes feeling paranoid and suspicious—which is how people with real trust issues feel all of the time. If your breakup was caused because you were always accusing her of cheating, without real substantial evidence to back up your claims, it’s very important to determine where these feelings are coming from. Often, trust issues come from within—a history of cheating parents, or a past relationship that affected your confidence. If you have trust issues like these, try to find help—whether by visiting your therapist or talking to a dating coach like me—to stop suffering and end the cycle of damaging your own relationships.
Breakup Reason #3: It was a One-Sided Relationship
Sometimes, the feelings aren’t mutual—even in long-term, solid-looking relationships.
When you’re in a one-sided relationship, you just know it. One of you has all the emotional power, while the other one suffers, sometimes in silence—feeling unable to live up to the pedestal you’ve set your partner on.
These types of relationships hardly last, and when they do, both of you are cheated out of finding something real and genuine. You owe it to yourself to get out of a relationship like this one, no matter how much it hurts, to give yourself a chance to move on to enjoy true happiness in equality.
For those of us with the upper hand in these unequal partnerships, we sometimes stay in them because we feel confidence and stability with someone that loves us more than we love them. What could be better than being with someone that thinks you’re awesome? It’s almost as though you could do anything and that person will put up with you. Who cares if they’re suffering, right?
Clearly, I’m joking. The person with the upper hand isn’t always a bad guy. Sometimes, it’s quite the opposite—the person on top doesn’t want to hurt the person on the bottom. This results in a very dysfunctional and resentful relationship, where neither person is happy.
Point blank, unequal relationships suck. They suck for the person on top, and for the person on the bottom. If you were the one enjoying all the power in the relationship, it’s great that you’re letting your ex move on to greener pastures without you, even if they feel like their world is ending (it’s not). As for you, don’t settle. Keep looking to find someone that you truly love, and don’t be scared to be alone for a while until you find it.
If you’re the one with the lower hand, it might take a while for you to get over it. Remember the two-week rule, and try to understand that this is the best thing that could have happened to you. No matter how you feel now, take comfort in knowing that you’re going to feel much differently in the not-so-distant future. Focus on doing things that make you happy, and building up your self-esteem. It might also help to speak with a professional about how to get over a breakup if you’re really, really feeling down (the 2 week grieving period didn’t work). A therapist, relationship counselor or dating coach will help you recognize things about yourself and your ex that you might not otherwise see on your own—leading to the breaking down of destructive cycles.
Everyone deserves to be in a relationship based on equality and mutual love for each other—don’t you think? The key to finding it is by being happy with yourself, and being prepared for success on your next venture into the playing field.
Breakup Reason #4: Incompatibility Issues
You’ve probably heard the old adage: you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. It’s usually true in relationships that you can’t change someone—so don’t expect to be able to, especially not at the beginning of a brand new relationships.
While there are exceptions to the rule, it’s generally safe to say that if you can’t live with something about someone, don’t expect to be able to change it eventually. Life usually doesn’t work that way. If you go into a relationship expecting to fix it or mold it into something else, you’re setting yourself for failure and devastation.
But anyway, this article is about how long it takes to get over a breakup, and how to deal with them afterwards. This category of breakups is perhaps the most complex—there are myriad ways in which a couple might be irreparably incompatible, oftentimes, in spite of being in love.
Breakups like these are different from growing apart, or falling out of love. It’s simply the cause of clashing lifestyles, habits, goals, or expectations—and sometimes, it’s deeper and more serious than that. Unhealthy relationships that involve abuse, whether physical, verbal or emotional fall under this category, because they always deal with some level of incompatibility.
If you and your partner have decided that enough is enough, you are going to want to take a deep, long look at yourself, your partner, and the dynamics of your relationship to determine what went wrong and why. You’ll greatly benefit from communicating with someone—a friend, therapist, or a professional dating coach like me—who can help you break patterns and focus on building up a better life for yourself with a new person that you’re more compatible with.
And if the problem was more serious in nature—whether it was due to violence, destructive behaviors or addictions, don’t hesitate to seek professional help whether you were the one with the issue or not. Getting over incompatibility issues with someone can be quick and painless or long and difficult, but the goal is to emerge from this type of breakup with the 20/20 hindsight you’ll need to find happiness with someone else.
Breakup Reason #5: Divorce
Divorce is always the messiest and most complicated form of a breakup, because usually people that have been married have legal ties to untangle, commitments to children and family members to sort out, and plenty of emotional issues to resolve before having a good chance of cleanly moving along.
Without going into it too deeply, getting over a divorce is difficult enough—and many people wonder how they’ll ever be able to recover and move on from the ordeal. The simple answer it that it’s completely do-able, and millions of couples deal with it every year. You can move on from this, and you will, eventually—though it might take a little longer than the two week grieving period I mentioned earlier.
If you’re feeling damaged from a divorce, you’ll find it incredibly rewarding to talk to someone about it. When you are ready to get back out there, a dating coach can help you evaluate your readiness and come up with personalized strategies to make it happen. If you’re not feeling ready yet, a dating coach will also help you understand why and how to transition yourself to a place where you can feel comfortable and excited about meeting new people.
How to Get Over a Breakup: The Slowest Way
Now that we’ve got the reasons for most breakups out of the way, let’s move on to dealing with them. No matter which way you slice it—breakups are never fun, even under the lightest of circumstances.
Not everyone knows how to cope with breakups. Many people react in completely destructive ways to prolong post-breakup misery, sometimes even for years! While it’s not always that easy to “get over it”, there are things you can do to help facilitate the process of moving on.
That said, if you want to draw out the process of getting over a breakup to make it more painful than it has to be, pay attention to the following steps! In fact, you might even recognize a few of them as things you’re doing right now. You’ll never move on after a breakup with a girl, as long as you:
- Rush into a new relationship as soon as you can, preferably something serious with the first person you meet.
- Stalk her on social media (or even better, in real life).
- Avoid friends and family and any other unnecessary social interactions, if possible.
- Wallow in your pain for longer than necessary (remember the two week rule? You can do better than that!)
- Refuse to talk to someone about your feelings.
- Believe in your heart that you’ll never find anyone else, ever again, for as long as you live.
- Dwell on your feelings of love or obsess over your hatred for your ex-girlfriend (both are just as effective).
Of course, I’m being facetious here—no one wants the pain of a breakup to last long. But trust me, your grieving period will go on and on as long as you continue to encourage it. The above actions only help to strengthen the negative emotions and prolong how long does it take to get over a breakup—prohibiting you from being able to move on.
How to Move On, How to Get Over a Girl…You Get the Drift…
Has it been more than two weeks since your breakup? Still struggling to figure out a way to move on from her? I can totally understand your pain because I’ve been there. But do understand- there are a lot of fully qualified people who are capable of helping you. In fact, I’m a simple Skype session away from getting you back on track!
Just like with anything else in this world, dating is a constantly-changing and evolving phenomenon—consisting of a jumble of dating apps, social media websites and meet-ups. If you’ve been off the market for a while, it can be quite a shock to return after spending some time away from it all, and are likely to feel rusty, awkward and overwhelmed.
The dating culture can be fun and exciting, or it can feel like a giant, hopeless waste of time—and it can be! This is why so many people benefit from the assistance of a professional dating coach to help them navigate a solid path towards relationship success. If you have no idea how to move on from your breakup and get back into dating action, I will guide you through the process with expert advice, personalized coaching and the overall support system necessary to achieve your relationship goals and find your perfect partner and soulmate.
If you are a bit shy, and like to learn on your own, you may consider taking my online dating course for men. It’s a 9 day online style bootcamp geared to help you conquer the dating world by unlocking your potential for meeting and developing relationships with women. Sometimes, the problem isn’t you—it’s the limiting beliefs you have about yourself that are getting in the way. My online dating course (EmLovz Academy) will help you pinpoint the issues that restrict you from success in your love life, so that you can find your ideal relationship and true happiness.
You deserve to be happy, and I can help you figure out how to get the relationship you want. Contact me now and set up a consultation via Skype today!