Dating During Divorce For Men Guide: When to Start Dating Again
Sadly there is no divorce fairy that lands on your shoulder and notifies you when it’s time to start dating again.
We both know by now that you’re the only person that knows when it’s the right time to date during a divorce.
Divorces, well, suck.
It can feel like your life is falling apart and that everything that was once so integral to your life has just been blown to smithereens.
While this is all true, there’s still hope for a new life.
When something is destroyed it opens up an opportunity for something new to take its place.
You see, your relationship was like a massive sequoia, one that had been growing for years and years. For a while it was sitting pretty soaking up sun and water at its leisure.
Then suddenly it got struck by lightning and is no more.
It can feel empty at first.
But now that there’s no longer a massive tree soaking up all the resources, new things are allowed to grow.
I’ve been helping divorced men take advantage of their new opportunities for years.
After a divorce -or even during- men often struggle with the same obstacles.
I’m here to tell you that dating during divorce is more than possible, there are just a few mental roadblocks you may need to bulldoze before enjoying your dating life again.
Guide to Dating During Divorce For Men
Time and time again I see divorced men dealing with the same holdups.
It isn’t just divorced men that deal with these issues but any man that’s had a few sub-optimal relationships –romantic or otherwise– in their lives.
Here are the most pressing behavioral issues you’ll want cleaned up so you can bring your best self into your new relationship.
Be Alone With Yourself
You’ve been glued to your former spouse for years now.
Physically, emotionally, financially, etc.
Chances are you’ll never fully sever that tie.
What this past relationship might have taught you is that you aren’t your own person anymore. Perhaps you became so intertwined with your spouse that you started to develop codependent tendencies.
Someone who’s codependent finds it difficult to function on their own, instead constantly looking to another person to help make decisions.
You know you’re in a codependent relationship when you’re constantly making sacrifices for another person and when you don’t quite feel whole or have high self-esteem without them.
You’re giving, giving, giving, but receive little in return.
You’re a People Pleaser
To date effectively during a divorce, you must first be in the right state of mind.
You can’t start again if you’re bringing bad habits into your new relationship.
One of the worst habits is people-pleasing.
Sure, everyone likes being doted on but you need to ask yourself if this is the healthiest behavior.
It’s normal to yearn for attention but not all the time and not when your self-worth is 100% dependent on the approval of another.
When you’re constant objective is to appease another you completely forget about your own needs and how to please yourself. Instead of searching for gratification from another person, you must learn how to be comfortable in your own skin and not rely on others for emotional gratification.
You Jump Into Relationships Too Quickly
There are a lot of options out there.
How many single women you ask?
Just check out this Pew Research study about the number of single people in the US categorized by their age.
You have ZERO reason to settle for the first woman that locks eyes with you – even if she is a cutie.
As you can see, the dating pool is a bit deeper than you had imagined.
Hopefully, this knowledge will help you overcome the fear that there is no one out there for you.
But it probably won’t.
These supplemental stats alone won’t help you kick the urge to shack up with the first woman you start dating.
The only way to get over the fear that you won’t find someone new is to MegaDate.
MegaDating is all about finding and dating a variety of women simultaneously in order to diffuse sexual tension and quickly find a woman you’re compatible with.
In my program, I teach you how to effectively leverage social channels in order to find compatible women to date. In a short time, you’ll have a calendar full of dates with women you genuinely want to spend time with.
However, dating multiple women a week can pose some problems.
With only so much time and money to invest in dating you have to use your resources accordingly.
That’s why each date comes has its own rules to abide by
- Less than an hour
- No more than $10 can be spent
- Physical and active
- 100% free
- No financial restrictions
- No time restrictions
- Plan a romantic and elaborate date to show her how you feel now that the time is right
These are the basics, but if you want to really know how to date during divorce you’ll have to talk to our coaching team.
Do You Hate Being Alone?
Humans are inherently social animals and as such love being around other humans – for the most part.
It’s natural that you’re not a big fan of being alone, but being alone produces more anxiety in some than others.
If feelings of anxiety and anxiousness are getting out of hand as a result of being alone then perhaps it’s time to try a few of these coping mechanisms.
- Call a friend or family member
- Get off social media
- Get out of the house and go for a jog or walk
- Create routines that satisfy social urges (e.g. join a gym or sports team)
- Allow yourself to be alone for certain periods of time
Did You Grow Up with An Emotionally Unstable Person?
You’ve heard it plenty of times before, “we’re a product of our environment.”
That truism especially rings true when we’re talking about one’s childhood experiences.
Volatile childhood environments such as ones that involve erratic parents whose affection comes and goes can have a significant negative impact on a person’s emotional and social skills. This is especially the case if a child must constantly navigate through a home life full of mental illness and addiction.
Children don’t grow up with an emotional shield that allows them to deflect the harmful behavior of their guardians. Instead, we’re sponges that absorb all the toxic traits displayed by our parents. This is most often seen in children that grow up with codependent parents. Being that children are in constant need of love, a parent that doesn’t readily supply a child with affection can leave a harmful imprint on a young mind.
A stressful childhood full of trauma and unstable parenting may also lead to codependent behavior as an adult.
We should note that codependency includes a broad range of relationships. Those caring for someone with an unstable parent are more inclined to feel shame, have low self-esteem, be overly doting, and overlook their own well-being to the point that it causes personal harm.
The best way to deal with such emotional holdups is to first identify them.
Take this test to learn your attachment style and the steps you can take to change it.
Do You Find Yourself Asking Why You Stayed in Previous Relationships Longer Than You Should Have?
Humans have a tendency to keep investing in things they’ve already invested in.
This psychological principle is called the sunk-cost fallacy.
It’s this desire we have to continue with a prior decision we made even if it may not be the right one.
You buy a ticket to a movie. However 30 minutes into the film you realize it’s atrocious and that you hate every second of it.
What do you do?
Most people will stay.
You’ve already paid $15 for the ticket, and another $10 on soda and popcorn.
If you leave now it feels like you’ve lost something. The thing is, you’ve already spent that money – you’re not getting back the time or money you just spent.
What you can do however is stop investing in something you know isn’t bringing you joy.
This is one reason we stay in relationships longer than we should – but this natural sensation can be exacerbated by our personal behavior.
This is especially the case for people with codependent behaviors.
Even if you wanted to leave, it would be too devastating on your partner and therefore, you couldn’t go through with it (unless she did something blatantly obvious like cheat, steal, or walk away first)?
People in codependent relationships have difficulty understanding when they’re being controlled or manipulated.
The best way to combat this is to set up clear boundaries and always have an open stream of communication where each party can voice their desires.
Do You Find That You Rarely (If Ever) Get Your Needs Met in Relationships?
You know exactly what you want.
The issue is cultivating an environment where both parties listen and respect the other’s opinion.
It’s important that you establish a foundation of respect and trust early on in a relationship. Do so by discussing difficult topics and confiding in each other.
From the genesis of the relationship, work on effectively communicating your desires.
Do You Struggle to Ask for What You Want? Dating During Divorce
If you ask for your steak to be cooked medium-rare, and your server brings you a steak that’s well-done, do you send it back or just put up with the fact that it’s not the way you wanted it?
If your boss, employee, or client asks you to work late or come in on the weekend, do you oblige, even though you really just want some time for yourself?
Do you always ask friends and partners where they want to go, without stating where you want to go?
If it’s difficult to talk to your partner about what you want, start small.
Start asking those you don’t have a relationship with to adjust their behavior for you or correct their mistakes.
Were You the Caretaker In Your Past Relationships?
Were you trying to save, fix, or help your previous partners?
Did you think of them as a project?
Were you trying to be prince charming to the damsel in distress?
If so, you may have been attracted to playing the role of caretaker because it gave you a sense of self-worth.
Find new ways to feel value in yourself by doing the things that interest you, without first asking for anyone else’s approval or permission.
Let’s Talk Before You Start Dating..
Before you get wrapped up in another toxic relationship, stop, regroup, and create a new strategy, one based on data and evidence.
The key to most of your dating holdups is MegaDating.
As we’ve discussed, MegaDating helps you overcome fears and bad habits through exposure and contact interaction with highly compatible women.
To learn how to find these women and court them, let’s have a 1-on-1 chat about our program and how it can help you turbocharge your dating life.
During your new client introduction session, we’ll discuss your dating history, talk through your current goals, and see if our program can help you achieve your romantic goals.