I hate eating at diners.

Between breakfast, lunch, and dinner options I can never decide what to get. Banana nut waffles or buttermilk biscuits? Port patties or corned beef hash? After a prodding from my hungry dining companion, I’m forced into a decision. Regardless of what I choose I know I’ve made the wrong decision.

This is a classic case of overchoice.

The inundation of choice is wreaking psychological havoc not just on diner-enthusiasts but also romantics.

Prior to the 1960s, not only was the norm to marry someone that lived in your childhood neighborhood but in your own apartment building. Fast forward a half-century and our romantic choices have abounded.

Yet despite an increase in the people that want to bone you, Americans are having less sex and marrying later than ever before (or not at all).

There are plenty of reasons for this, from skyrocketing student debt to singles opting for gratification derived from tech rather than from social interaction. Another reason is of course over-choice.

The abundance of romantic options enables us to be pickier. Why settle for the woman that lives downstairs when mass transit and dating apps allow me to date women from all across the county?

It’s this “only settle for the best” mentality that has led daters to create lists of dealbreakers.

If she’s too short, pass, if she’s late to a first date, pass, if she doesn’t know who Michael Scott is, double pass. It’s this desire to find the mythical soulmate that ultimately leaves us lonely.

I, however, have a solution.

Ya see, dating dealbreakers are overrated. The list that you subconsciously check off every first date is largely nonsensical. Does it really matter that she doesn’t drink IPAs or like baseball? Dating dealbreakers are overrated and I’ll tell you why, but first, allow me to clarify.

Dating Dealbreakers Are Overrated… Kind Of

Allow me to hedge by addressing ostensible dealbreakers that due to their severity and universal dislike shouldn’t be categorized as such. A dealbreaker is something that isn’t universal. It’s more like a dating pet peeve that a single man or woman is so anathema to that should their date commit this heinous dealbreaker their contact information would be erased forever.

Some examples include a woman you’re courting that’s a drug addict, abusive, or an obsessive liar. Once learning about these most unflattering characteristics 99% of people would refuse to continue to see this person.

To be clear, I’m 100% a proponent of terminating this relationship after learning these traits exist.

Should you encounter a nightmarish relationship cut your losses and begin investing your time, money, and heart in other people. If you’re finding it difficult to cut a disastrous person out of your life, try MegaDating.

But I digress.

There’s Always A Reason Not To Date Her

What are your romantic expectations?

If I asked you to construct an image of the ideal partner in your mind you could do it in a few seconds. She’d have the face of Margot Robbie with Selma Hayek’s breasts. She’d be quick-witted, brilliant, caring, play five instruments, speak seven languages, and of course, she’d be willing to watch football with you. Every. Single. Sunday.

So what happens when you date a woman of mediocre beauty that doesn’t come close to checking off your ideal women checklist?

We often cast aside romantic prospects because they don’t fulfill our fantasies. What’s the point in learning that the person sitting across from you is the owner of an edible insect start-up and has just taken up scrambling if her nose is just a little too wide?

Look man, deal breakers are overrated because there’s always a reason not to date her. Each woman you date is intrinsically unique. But creating superficial dealbreakers creates a wall so high that you’re not able to peek over the top to see what the person’s like on the other side.

Asinine romantic dealbreakers should never get in the way of attempting to understand the woman you’re dating. So what if she likes curling and Royal Caribbean cruises. Don’t let one or two minor details get in the way of keeping an open mind and learning about the woman you took to the Church of Eight Wheels.

Odds Of Finding “The One”

In non-romantic terms, “the one” is the person that you’re best suited to be with. It’s with her that you’ll be your happiest. Knowing that this person exists no doubt motivates you to find her. But just how easy is it to find your true love?

NASA roboticist and hopeless romantic Randall Munroe decided to calculate the odds of someone actually finding their soulmate. Munroe’s arithmetic took a few factors into account. He did his calculations based on the possibility that one’s true love is both alive and is only so much younger or older. He concluded that there’s a 1 in 10,000 chance that you will find your perfect mate. But to arrive at that number you must first actively interact with several dozen strangers a day. In those brief interactions, you must be able to determine whether this person is or isn’t your soul mate.

Munroe’s math corroborates what we already knew -we don’t marry our soulmates. For romantics, .01% can be a difficult percentage to swallow. So what’s to be done about it?

How To Reconcile Not Finding Your Soulmate

Let’s accept the truth. You won’t find your soulmate. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look for her. But understand that rejecting women of merit, women that make you happy, isn’t the right way to go about finding this perfect 10. Munroe has taught us that we’re mathematically damned. What he doesn’t give us is a way to move forward. Here’s the way.

Psychotherapist and author Esther Perel would probably agree that dating dealbreakers are overrated. The search for “the one” often gives us more anxiety than joy. In fact, once we find “the one” we might just spend our time with this ideal partner, questioning if they’re right for us, fearful that an even more compatible mate is out there.

Perel would caution us against comparing the women you date to an imagined character you place on a pedestal. Esther says that nowadays we expect our partners to be everything for us. To be a workout partner, your meditation buddy, someone to push you, a co-parent, a maid, a cook, a lover, etc. The list is exhausting. No one person can be everything for you. So what are you to do?

Perel says that we must be content with finding a partner that we can write our life stories with. Writing a story is a constant process. It involves editing, revision, gutting out entire paragraphs. She says that regardless of the partner you will have your issues. The only difference is the type of issues that are confronted.

Your Next Date

How do your actions change if you believe that dating dealbreakers are overrated? How do your dating habits change after hearing about Munroe’s soulmate calculation and listening to love guru Esther Perel’s wisdom?

First, let’s set the scene.

You’ve just invited a woman you met from Tinder to coffee and a jaunt by the water. You know little about her apart from that she likes tennis and appears to be attractive. But when the date begins and she informs you that she sees her parents only once a year, you’re turned off.

Family is huge for you. You don’t think you can be with someone that doesn’t have the same relationship with her family as you do. Instead of turning off, probe this person. Learn about other aspects of their personality. Ask what turns them on, what music they like, where they’d like to vacation to. Joke with them and learn from them.

Don’t stop engaging with your date because a single value or trait doesn’t align.

Remember that each person is more unique than you can come to understand after 40 years of living together. What makes you think you know somebody after sipping on frappes and strolling through a public park for an hour?

Have you been too quickly rejecting potential girlfriends because of a trivial dealbreaker? Being a quality dater is all about connecting and trying to understand a complete stranger.

If you struggle to form bonds with women because your expectations are unrealistically high you should talk to someone. That someone shouldn’t be your next date or your best friend, it should be me. Book a 1-on-1 new client Skype session with me today and we’ll discuss your romantic woes. If need be, we’ll create a dating plan, revamp your dating mentality, create a strategy, and see if my 3 month coaching program is right for you.