Discussing your divorce to a new woman you’re dating is as the title of this article suggests, tricky.
Divorced men at least believe there’s this stigma around them. They think that they’ll be judged harshly for saying till death due us part only to skip out before you’re in the grave.
It’s true that while some will, most won’t.
Most women won’t see red flags just because the man she dates just revealed that he’s divorced. Times have changed and divorce is more commonplace than ever before with about 50% of marriages ending in divorce.
After you tell her you’re divorced she might be skeptical and a rush of thoughts might hijack her mind. But remember, she was skeptical of you before she knew about your past relationship. Women (and men) are naturally skeptical of getting to know a potential mate.
It’s what we do.
The fact of the matter is that women do date divorced men. Arguably divorced men have many qualities their non-divorced counterparts don’t.
That being said how to discuss your divorce with a new woman you’re dating can have a massive impact on the relationship going forward.
There are tactful ways to talk about it and not-so-tactful ways.
To pave the way for a beautiful relationship to take shape let’s learn how best to let her know that you’ve divorced and that you’ve moved past this epoch.
How To Discuss Your Divorce With A New Woman You’re Dating
Let’s set the scene.
You’re divorced but you’re still in court and involved in messy custody battles.
Your ex is furious and willing to attack you in any way she sees fit and that includes potentially women you’re dating. Not only that, the legal fees are piling up and even though you have a solid job, you’re nowhere near where you’d hoped to be because your ex just won’t let legal proceedings end.
So how do you bring this up to the woman you’re dating and when should you talk about it?
My first piece of advice, don’t emotionally vomit.
Keep Your Ex-Wife and the Woman You’re Dating On A Need-to-Know Basis
These are trying times.
It’ll be tempting to unload your troubles on the new woman you’re dating. The moment you feel you can confide in her you’ll have an urge to lay out all your dirty laundry.
But don’t.
Find a friend, family member, or therapist to talk with if you need to vent.
Look I’m not saying to never speak a word of your divorce to the woman you’re dating — on the contrary.
Rather be selective with the information you choose to share.
Neither party needs to know every detail of your life, especially not the parts you should be kept private.
The woman you’re dating doesn’t need every detail of the gloom and doom you’re going through in court, just that you’re putting in every effort to keep your child safe, happy, and healthy. You shouldn’t be discussing with her the nasty details of the divorce, but by date 3, she does need to know you’re going through a custody battle.
This is because by date three the two of you have built up significant rapport. If she’s worth seeing three times it’s because you could envision a future together. If this is the case, eventually your beautiful new budding relationship will come crashing into your home life. Before these two things unexpectedly crash, give her fair warning and let her in on the situation.
How to Frame the Custody Battle Conversation
You are the narrator of this story.
She’ll only ever see your situation through the lens in which you present it.
You could break down and start crying, venting about how horrible your ex is.
Or you could lay out the cold hard facts of the matter and assure her that your kids mean everything to you and that you’re willing to fight to the end. You can also assuage any doubts she has that you’re not ready for a relationship.
A thought will pop up in her mind that you don’t have the emotional space to invest in a new relationship.
Make her feel secure in this budding relationship by telling her how you feel about her and that you look forward to seeing her all the way. That you haven’t been so excited to jet from your office and rush to see someone after work for decades.
She’ll be flattered that despite all the chaos in your life you’ve somehow been able to develop feelings for her.
Avoid Venting
You can vent to your therapist but I wouldn’t vent to the woman you’re dating.
It isn’t her burden to bear and it will push her away if every time you hang out it’s a huge vent-fest.
This is especially the case if you two only just started dating. The beginning of a relationship is often the most beautiful and most fragile. One wrong word, one misplaced hang, one sub-par date and it can all be ripped to shreds.
I know it will be difficult but try to keep things positive when going out with her. Focus on the beautiful, amazing woman across the table from you and be thankful that you may have a bright future ahead of you.
As far as venting techniques go I recommend journaling.
Carry a journal (could be in notes on your phone) and when you feel the need to vent, go to the bathroom and write it down in your phone.
Then when you have time alone, try screaming into a pillow to release the pent-up energy you’re feeling. Phone a friend or family member or talk to a therapist when possible.
Remember, the women you date are not your therapist and it’s not fair to unload a ton of heavy custody battle information on them. Avoid going in circles about how unfairly you’re being treated by your ex. That’s between you and her, your legal team, and hopefully your therapist too.
Keep Custody Discussions Vague, Brief, and Productive
If you have to talk about it, keep your answers short and sweet. Talk about the ideal outcome and try to transition the conversation as soon as possible.
Of course, if she asks do not dodge questions unless you really do not feel like talking about the situation. If you’ve been dating for a while and she is receptive to talking about it, oblige both you and her.
A healthy and productive conversation with someone you’re seriously dating might include creating a list together of must-haves that you can plan for when you do go to court.
However, at least early on in the relationship try to keep things brief and focused on more enjoyable topics.
Avoid Disparaging Your Ex (Even if She Deserves It)
It will only make you look bad to talk negatively about your ex.
If she’s exhibiting personality disordered traits, speak to the fact that she’s just not mentally stable enough to take care of your child.
You don’t need to go into extreme detail. Just explain that your number 1 priority is the well-being of your child and you wish her well.
That should be the focus of the conversation. Talking about a woman she doesn’t know and disparaging her will only serve to make you look bad. At the very least avoid name calling and talk specifics to illustrate what a monster she is.
Although again, it’s best to avoid talking down about people. Rarely if ever is this attractive.
Go On Awesome Dates Where You Don’t Need To Talk
The best way for how to discuss your divorce with a new woman you’re dating is to discuss it and then walk away from the conversation.
After you’ve discussed the divorce and custody battle on a previous date she may be wondering if you’re really ready to date. She may want to back off and give you the space she thinks you need.
Address these fears by taking her on an amazing date where you two don’t discuss the hardships you’re going through.
If this sounds impossible to do, pitch her a date using a TDL that isn’t based around conversation. Instead, have the date revolve around the super stimulating activity you’re doing.
Some date ideas that satisfy this criterion include:
- Yoga + ice cream
- Scenic bike ride
- A nice 6-mile loop of a hike with amazing views
- Hitting the dog park
- Bowling (a classic)
- Barcade
- Live music
- A sporting event
- Just get lost in a movie together then discuss afterward
If you’re worried about vomiting out your situation on a date, just pick a date idea that gives you two plenty to talk about. One that takes your mind off of the situation at home and allows you to enjoy life again.
It’ll be great for your mental health and budding relationship.
Moving Forward
Moving forward after a divorce is a significant step, and part of that journey is finding a new partner.
If you’re reading this, you’re clearly ready to dip your toes back into the dating world, but as you’ve likely discovered, dating during or after a divorce can be a tricky and emotional process. The idea of meeting someone new can feel overwhelming, and figuring out how to approach relationships after a major life change can leave you feeling uncertain.
That’s where we come in.
At emlovz, we understand that dating after divorce requires a thoughtful approach. In our coaching program, Dating Decoded, we help men like you navigate the complexities of dating both online and in real life.
Our goal is to empower you with the tools and strategies to attract, court, and ultimately build a meaningful, lasting relationship. But we don’t just teach you how to swipe right or start conversations; we help you focus on the deeper aspects of connection, such as creating comfort and rapport with a woman, especially if you’re coming out of a long-term relationship.
Whether it’s through IRL (in real life) attraction, learning how to approach women in authentic, respectful ways, or mastering the nuances of dating apps and profiles, we are here to guide you every step of the way. Our team is dedicated to supporting you as you rebuild your dating life and feel confident again.
Meet the Team at emlovz:
Our full-service lifetime coaching program offers personalized support and a comprehensive approach. Here’s how our some of our expert team at emlovz can help you succeed:
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Mattie Jo: As one of our mock date experts, MJ specializes in helping men understand what works on dates and how to build emotional connections. Her feedback from mock dates will guide you on how to improve your date presence and create meaningful interactions.
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Audrey: With her background in dating dynamics, Audrey will help you assess where you’re going wrong in your approach to dating, especially when it comes to communication and the energy you bring into the relationship. She’ll help you craft messages and conversations that resonate or help you refine your approach on dates in her mock date sessions.
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Darshil: Known for her exceptional insight into both online and IRL dating, Darshil will work with you to optimize your dating profile and teach you how to stand out in both casual encounters and more serious relationship settings.
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Thomas (Founder): Thomas leads the program with a focus on comprehensive strategies that balance the emotional and practical aspects of dating. His personal coaching sessions guide you through overcoming the challenges of dating after divorce, setting realistic goals, and building long-term, healthy relationships.
Our Coaching Services Include:
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Ready to Move Forward?
If you’re ready to take the next step in your dating life after divorce, we can help you move past the uncertainty and build the relationship you deserve. Apply for our coaching program to get started. Let’s discuss your dating goals, and together we’ll tailor a plan to help you find success and confidence in the dating world again.
At emlovz, we’re here to help you succeed, one step at a time. Whether you’re meeting women in person, learning the ins and outs of online dating, or building emotional connection skills, we’ve got the tools to make it happen.