When I say that women aren’t attracted to nice guys, I’m afraid that your first thought is to become an alpha male, start riding a motorcycle, and negging the woman you’re into until she falls for you.
If the diagnosis is being too nice of a guy, the cure isn’t to swallow the red pill and start binging Andrew Tate.
Of course, women want to be in a relationship with a nice guy. They just don’t want to date a boy masquerading around as a man as he people pleases his way into her life. A woman wants a man with his own opinions, goals, and desires. She also wants him to listen, care for her, and be an all-around good guy. Being your own man and a nice guy aren’t mutually exclusive.
Nice Guys Finish First… Super Nice Guys Finish Last
Women love a thoughtful man who cares for his woman. Just so long as he’s not sacrificing who he is in order to be with her. To help identify when nice becomes too nice, meet Steve.
I have a client who women love to date. He asks a ton of questions, pays for everything, is always on time, and has received countless texts saying that he’s one of the nicest guys she’s ever met. The issue is that these texts are often accompanied by the words, but it’s not going to work out.
Despite having Mr. Rogers caliber manners, women enjoy Steve and then grow bored with him. It’s because Steve loses his sense of self when he’s trying to woo a woman. Instead of telling witty stories, making edgy comments, and expressing his opinion, he defers to her. He becomes submissive, bends to her will, and has his sense of self-worth tied to her validation.
Woman after woman sees this. They are enamored with Steve initially. Women like an attentive man who seems to genuinely care. But after a while, they realize that while Steve is incredibly nice, being nice is his entire personality.
The One Type of Woman Who ‘Loved’ Steve
Steve (not his real name) had one woman who stayed with him for quite a while.
Her name was Stacey (not her real name either). Steve thought Stacey loved him. She, unlike all the other women, stayed with him for a long time. At first, everything was dandy. Steve used his Sesame Street charm to win her over and she seemed to love the fact that he was a giver. But it’s not that she loved Steve, she just loved the dynamic, because she, was a taker.
A manipulative, selfish, narcissistic woman who preyed on Steve for longer than he recognized.
She asked him for unreasonable favors, expected the world of him, and on the rare occasion when he voiced his opinion or didn’t show the utmost obedience, she told him he didn’t care about her.
If you are excessively nice to the point of putting all her needs before your own, I guarantee you’ll find a woman for you. This not-so-special woman will mistreat and take advantage of you until you’ve lost all your self-esteem.
The Man She Wants
Women want a man who can hit a rally back and forth with. She wants a man who is on her level, not above her or below her. She wants a guy who has ambition, can talk about a million things, protects her, makes her laugh, and above all, is authentic.
And yes, she also wants a man who’s nice. She doesn’t want that desire to be nice to overwrite all his other personality traits.
She doesn’t want a man-servant; she wants a multi-faceted human being.
If part of your identity is being nice, great. She’ll find that attractive. If you love making dinner for her and surprising her with gifts, she’ll love you even more for doing so. But she’ll quickly tire of this charm offensive if she realizes that she’s your entire world. Don’t sacrifice who you are to get the girl. Continue to have your own life, hobbies, and friends.
Overly nice guys tend to lean wholly on a single person for all their emotional needs. Don’t be that needy, clingy guy who more so resembles a puppy staring at the door for hours as he awaits his owner to return home. Be the independent man who pleases his woman because he loves her like no other, rather than because through pleasing, he finds self-worth.
Why Do You Feel The Need to Please?
It’s time to have a conversation you’ve been putting off for far too long.
It involves you talking to yourself about why you feel compelled to be nice to literally everyone. Why is it that you apologize even when it’s not your fault or feel like you’re an ass if you say no to a request?
If you don’t want to be a Steve you’ll need to introspect to better understand why you’re a people pleaser.
The easiest way to do this is to become aware of your thoughts and compulsions when they arise. The next time you find yourself being over-the-top nice, ask why. Investigate this behavior for a moment. Examine your behavior and ponder what it would be like to act differently.
Realize that doing too much could actually be hurting your relationships. That going above and beyond isn’t what your partner is asking or what your relationship requires. You have to be honest with yourself. Be authentic and ask if pleasing to the degree that you have is what you really want, or if you’re only pleasing her because you think that if you don’t she won’t love you.
Accept that rejection is a part of life and that not all rejection is bad. If a woman will only love you if you’re her puppet, then pray that she snips the string as soon as possible.
Learning how to undo these negative nice guy habits takes time. In our program, Relationship Decoded we’ll walk you through what it takes to be nice without sacrificing who you are. Let’s learn more about who you are, your relationship, and what you’d like to change when you book a call.