Roaching is the newest dating term, and as you can imagine, it ain’t nice.

Roaching is what happens when you’ve been covering up the fact that you’ve been dating other people. When asked about it, you claim you had no idea the person asking ever wanted to be exclusive.

Today more than ever people struggle to transition from just dating to an exclusive relationship.

Back in the 40s and 50s if you dated one person you were pretty much dating, period. But that’s just not the case anymore. Nowadays we have more options than ever in creating a dynamic romantic landscape. To become exclusive after just one date would be seen as taboo.

Nowadays if you want exclusivity you have to spell it out.

With this in mind, roaching might be as much your fault as it is hers.

To avoid being roached you’ll have to open the lines of communication and express what you want. Until your desires have been made explicit you can’t expect her to magically understand what you’re looking for in a relationship.

What Is Roaching?

Roaches purposefully cover up or refuse to disclose that they’ve been seeing or sleeping around.

Perhaps you’ve seen this person for a few weeks or few months. You may not have had the relationship talk yet but assume by the way you two act when you’re together that you’re a couple.

They’ve been seeing other people but have happily kept this a secret. They don’t want to rock the boat so they’ve withheld this information. They may even assume that you too have been seeing other people.

But eventually, there comes a time when this information is revealed and you’re taken aback. You assumed they’ve been loyal even though you never asked for loyalty.

Wait so why is it called roaching? 

Because if you see one roach, chances are there are many more behind the scenes lurking nearby. Those extra lovers, those are the behind-the-scenes roaches.

Why People Roach?

It’s just the dating scene nowadays.

Way back when people were much more conservative and social circles were much smaller.

You’d date someone from your neighborhood, high school, or church and if someone found out you were dating two women at once all hell would break loose.

That’s just not the case anymore.

Nowadays we’re inundated with romantic options. We can meet people online, at school, work, through friends, at the gym, etc. Dating just one person at a time means you’re letting other single people fall through the cracks.

With options galore and a more liberal dating environment, dating one person at a time is seen as antiquated.

Even here at emlovz we recommend MegaDating. It’s a proactive dating philosophy that encourages students to date multiple women simultaneously. We of course don’t recommend dating the same three women for months at a time. Rather we want you to shop around at a rapid pace so as to cut down the time it takes to find a compatible partner. Once she’s found you stop dating other women.

Despite dating around being the norm, no one wants to learn they’ve been roached.

So how can you avoid being roached?

Have The Exclusive Talk Early On

If you don’t want her dating around, pitch the idea of becoming exclusive.

It’s the only surefire way to let it be known you want her to be exclusive.

I recommend having this talk after 6-10 dates (or 2-4 months), although this is no magic number. What should really signal that you two are serious is when you start to meet friends and family. And it doesn’t matter who meets who. If she’s willing to integrate into your friend group or meet the parents it’s a signal that she’s serious about you. If she wasn’t there’s no way she would lead you on like that.

After this happens pop the exclusive question. Make it plain that you only want to date her and that you want to have a monogamous boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

It’s important that you clearly define the relationship. Simply saying, do you want to be exclusive may even need clarification. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you don’t want to share her with anyone.

Only once you’ve spelled out the relationship and she has agreed to be with you can you be certain she’s won’t date anyone else and that doing so would be in breach of your romantic relationship.

Change Your Mindset

Again, if the norm is that both parties are allowed to date around until they’re in a clearly defined monogamous relationship, it should be expected that she’s dating other people.

Learning what is roaching can be difficult if you learn the hard way.

No one wants to find out later on that the person they’ve assumed was theirs have been seeing other men.

So change your mindset. Date her under the assumption that she’s seeing other men until proven otherwise.

This will make stomaching the fact that she’s been dating around much easier should it come up. Not only this, but it then gives you permission to date around as well, something we 100% recommend.

Ask Her If She’s Dating Other People

Are you absolutely dying to know if she’s dating around?

You can ask her.

Whether it’s on the first, second, or 7th date feel free to ask.

If you’re worried about her feeling uncomfortable by your question, preface it by saying, hey it’s perfectly cool if you’re dating other people, I was just curious…”

Or you can joke how she probably has a million guys lining up to date her and then ask if she’s been seeing other people.

However, if you’re asking be ready for a response you don’t want to hear. Don’t get angry when she tells you what you’ve been dreading, that yes, in fact, she’s been seeing a bunch of men.

And hey, just because you pop the question and she tells you no, doesn’t mean that she won’t date other men later on or that she’s telling the truth. Ideally, she’d be straight up with you, but she may feel uncomfortable or unsafe telling you the truth.

If you really don’t want her to date around, ask her to be your girlfriend.

How To Know If You’re Being Roached?

The simplest way is to ask her straight up if she’s seeing other people. 

The quickest way to put an end to it is to make her exclusive (if that’s what you want and if you won’t scare her away).

But sometimes asking her is scary.

Sometimes you’d rather know if she’s roaching you by assessing her behavior.

Here are a few signs she may be seeing other people.

She’s Flaky

She had plans with you to see a movie this Friday but yet again she’s bailed. There are a million reasons for this. What’s certain is that she is prioritizing other things, whether that be her sleep, mental health, platonic relationships, or dating other men. If she has bailed on multiple Friday or Saturdays chances are she has ditched you because she found better more enjoyable plans.

She’s trading up if you will.

She Deflects The Talk

Every time you bring up your relationship or ask if she’s seeing someone she changes the conversation. You ask if she’s seeing other people and she just gives you a cute smile and says maybe.

She may think it’s cute, but it’s not.

If you really want to know, smile back and say that you’re perfectly cool if she is (unless you want to be exclusive, then be honest) and that you’ll tell her your situation if she tells you hers.

They Define The Relationship

Not every woman wants a boyfriend right now.

Some women will want to keep things casual.

And some women will even tell you this. Perhaps you may have to do a bit of digging but if she’s steadfast about keeping things casual, she’ll tell you.

Take A Note From Her Playbook

Let’s be honest.

Learning she’s been dating around while you’ve been assuming she hasn’t hurts. It feels like a betrayal. But she’s done nothing wrong.

Unless she explicitly agreed not to date around she hasn’t betrayed you.

That’s just the way it is nowadays.

But instead of going against the grain, why not go with it?

Dating multiple women at once is called MegaDating.

It’s a proactive dating approach that works as a shortcut to finding a compatible partner.

It’s a great way to:

• Refine your dating skills
• Learn about your type
• Boost confidence
• Meet a myriad of women you wouldn’t have otherwise
• Find a girlfriend

To learn more about MegaDating let’s chat via a 1-on-1 Zoom call. 

During this call we’ll learn about your dating history and we’ll talk to you about our program, Dating Decoded.

In this program, we give men the skills they need to meet women both IRL and online. Via our online curriculum, mock dates, online community, and live weekly coaching sessions we teach men everything they need to know to meet the women of their dreams.