LMAO! We are almost a month deep into this season of The Bachelorette, and week three’s episode had me chortling into my chardonnay. These contestants are basically a personification of every single thing you should not do when dating someone and I am totally here for it.

I knew based on the preview for the episode that Jordan was going to continue to make up words and that someone was going to get injured, i.e., producers at ABC were going to throw fake blood on a contestant to stoke the drama and make us think someone in the house was capable of being that freakin’ agro.

So yeah, I knew this was gonna be a good one. But I did not anticipate just how ridiculous things were going to get.

Let’s take a look at the funniest and most teachable moments from week three of The Bachelorette. 

Moment #1: David is a “Dry Chicken”

In case you forgot, Jordan decided to give himself an edge in the competition last week by running around in nothing but boxers.

We open with David bitching about Jordan’s near nudity during the last rose ceremony.

David: I’m worried that Jordan isn’t taking this competition seriously. 

This is from the guy who wore a chicken suit on the first night. Pot, meet fucking kettle. You are not allowed to talk about anyone not taking things seriously, David.

From there, it’s clear that all this harrumphing over Jordan has made David work up an appetite, so he proceeds to make what looks like 15 scrambled eggs at once.

Jordan: David’s walking around making scrambled eggs all day. David’s very dry and he has a dry sense of humor. He’s a dry chicken.

LOLOLOL.

Moment #2: Weird Morning Attire

I started laughing the minute the camera panned to Chris talking to Colton on the couch because I was convinced he was wearing a onesie. Turns out that he wasn’t, but the seamless blending of his gray shirt and pants made it appear that way. Also, Chris continues to look exactly like Crazy Eddie from friends, so that’s in my head every time I see him. 

Also, why David is seen wearing a track jacket that is zipped down almost to his navel? You are not J. Lo at the 2000 Grammy Awards. Go home, David, you’re drunk.

Moment #3: The Awkward AF Colton/Tia Situation

Seriously, just don’t mess around with girls that run in the same social circle. Or, I guess in this case, girls that run around in the same reality television circle.

In case you missed it, Colton revealed to Becca that he briefly dated Tia, a contestant from her season with Arie before coming onto Becca’s season. Either Colton is terrible at making decisions or he’s really trying to become famous until someone from the NFL drafts him.

Becca obviously invites Tia and other former Bachelorette contestants to join the guys on a group date in order to scope out the situation and rule out lingering feelings between the two.

During this time, I experienced so much second-hand awkwardness, I had to start speed drinking my wine.

Colton when he sees Tia: This is one of my worst nightmares.

Also Colton: I don’t think I’m going to be able to relax and enjoy the day.

Oh for God’s sake. Welcome to being a contestant on the Bachelorette. Find a pair of man pants in your bottom drawer and buck up.

Moment #4: Becca Forgot Jason’s Name

While introducing some of the guys during her spa group date, Becca legit looked at Jason and was like “This is…”

*crickets*

Jason handled it like a champ, meaning that he didn’t cry. That’s a lot more than I can say for a majority of these guys.

Later, Jason emerged as what my sister called “the dark horse of the season” since he made sure to get some extra time in with Becca and become a face and name that she could easily commit to memory.

When Becca apologized, he brushed it off as no big deal.

Jason: You said it to the right guy; my skin is thick. I understand you’re going through a lot and please know I haven’t thought twice about it.

This is someone who does not sweat the small stuff, which is what you need in a relationship and life in general. Also, Jason is so adorable, confident but also seems down to earth.

What I’m basically trying to say right now is, Jason, if you don’t get the final rose I’m available.

Moment #5: David Rats Jordan Out

Later on, Jordan talks to the guys about how he got 4,000 matches on Tinder, yet he’s selective with his swipes.

Newsflash: you can’t match with someone unless both of you swipe right — so 4,000 swipes were selective? Hmmm…

David decides to go tattle to Becca about how Jordan spends a lot of time on Tinder. Seriously, David, you’re still not allowed to talk about other people when you wear chicken suits and keep your jackets unzipped to your navel.

Observation: The way David’s voice is crackling when he talks to Becca makes him sound like a college kid who, after three keg stands, decided to try Marlboro Reds for the first time and couldn’t handle it.

David: Jordan showed up wearing underwear last night.

Becca (and all of America): You showed up wearing a chicken suit.

LOL!

David then told Becca he wasn’t one to throw people under the bus and proceeded to throw Jordan under the bus.

The lesson here is this: You will NOT get women by tearing other guys down or stirring the pot. This just makes you look desperate and like you’re more concerned with drama than actually getting to know a woman.

After Becca makes a joke to Jordan about his Tinder matches, Jordan calls David a bitch and David snickers away like a weasel.

Moment #6: Jordan is a Golden Retriever

So after the whole snitching debacle, Jordan goes to defend himself to Becca. Becca clearly doesn’t give AF about Jordan’s Tinder matches because let’s be real, Becca and the producers at ABC are well aware that she won’t be getting engaged to either of these guys, but America demands entertainment.

Becca asks Jordan how he is in a relationship out of what is clearly morbid curiosity as opposed to actual romantic interest and Jordan’s answer is epic:

“I literally do everything. I cook, I clean — I’m a golden retriever.”

Honestly, Becca enjoyed talking to him so David basically did him a favor.

If you can make a guy like Jordan the model look like a potentially eligible mate, you are clearly doing something wrong.

Moment #7: David and Jordan’s (It’s My) Face Off

Once Jordan rejoins the guys, the BATTLE IS ON and it is possibly one of the best moments in television.

David sits there during the exchange with some slight needling, but the word venom that Jordan ends up spewing out at him is LEGENDARY. Here are my favorite highlights from Jordan:

Jordan: Attached to me is professionality — it’s MY FACE.

Also Jordan: If you want to wreck my image, you never will. You wanna know why? Because my image is me.

During this time, I and the rest of the guys are basically cry-laughing into our cocktails.

Moment #8: Richard Marx’s Enthusiasm is Negative 100

Becca chooses Chris for her one-on-one date and they have to write songs about their feelings for each other, which sounds like a nightmare of a first date to me, but whatever.

They are greeted by celebrity guest Richard Marx. Although Marx is the guest of this episode, he does not look like he is here for the bachelorette or any damn part of this experience. 

Marx’s resting face during the entirety of his appearance is “I’m just waiting to collect my check.” Later, this poor man has to sing and play piano for Becca and Chris as they dance around and eat each other’s faces. 

Moment #9: David’s Near-Demise

Obviously, they saved the dramatic bloodshed for the end of the episode. David ends up going to the ICU and we’re clearly all supposed to believe Jordan the model beat the crap out of him.

Not buying it. Jordan would never risk breaking a nail to touch this guy’s face. The most I could see him doing is engaging in a good ol’ fashioned slap-off.

We later learn the cause of David’s injuries: he fell out of his top bunk onto his face.

It is also revealed that he is going to be fine, so I don’t feel as bad about laughing for 10 minutes straight over this poor kid’s debacle. I’m not sure why the people at ABC couldn’t spring for more than a set of prison-style bunk beds with no side rail, but there you have it.

And that, my friends, concludes the funniest moments from week three of the Bachelorette. Here’s to hoping David’s face makes a full recovery and Richard Marx was paid handsomely for his time.

Images: Giphy (4)