So she’s backing away from you and you don’t know why.
As ember, your relationship is always a few steps away from being smothered.
Now there are a million reasons a nascent flame could sputter out. She could have begun talking to her ex again, smelled garlic on your breath throughout the entirety of your third date, or just prefers watching World War II In Color rather than going to the bar with you.
I’m not here to speculate on why she’s backing away from you, rather, I’m here to help you figure out what your next plan of attack is.
That flame you’ve been trying so hard to keep alight is on its last embers.
Here’s the context.
You’ve been dating Olivia for a while now.
You’ve gone on at least three dates and things are starting to get serious.
Then all of a sudden she’s doesn’t answer your texts as often. She starts rejecting your overtures more often and suddenly has to see her parents way more often than she used to.
She’s slowly beginning to distance herself from you but has yet to outright tell you that she isn’t interested.
It’s with this dynamic in mind that I’ll create for you a plan of action.
Here’s step one.
If you decide to text instead of calling or talking in person you might as well throw out the rest of this plan.
Texting is what your 12-year-old self did when you were too awkward to talk to girls in person.
Look texting is about as useful a means of communication is as sending a carrier pigeon in a hail storm.
There are too many crucial nuances that get left out when texting. Tone, non-verbal cues, and time constraints all combine to create the perfect storm of miscommunication. When it comes to broaching a serious topic such as your relationship and having an in-depth discussion about it, it’s best to do so in person.
Voicemails and audio messages both do the trick here.
Your goal is to illustrate how much you care about her. Do this by getting personal and sending her an audio message or by calling her.
Don’t know what to say? No worries, I wrote you a script.
“Hey, was calling to let you know I’d appreciate it if we could find a time to talk. I know we haven’t texted in a while but want to let you know I do care about you, and was looking forward to seeing you again. Hope you’re doing well. Let me know when you’re free.”
An authentic message like this conveys your feelings while making a request to see her again. Hearing your voice will have an impact on her much stronger than a banal text might.
Remember!
Whatever you do, don’t beg, come off as needy, or pour your heart out to her over the phone.
There’s no reason for that.
Simply tell her you’d like to see her again because you like being around awesome people, that’s it.
3) Express Your Wants
If you could wave a magic wand and turn this budding relationship into the perfect fairytale, what would that look like?
Once you’re clear on what would be amazing, communicate those wants to her and see if she shares that vision. Don’t assume she knows what you’re thinking or doesn’t want what you want.
You never know if you don’t express your wants. This is crucial if you’re complaining that “She’s backing away from me!”Â
Of course, getting your ideal vision of a relationship shot down is scary, but what’s worse is denying yourself the potential to make that relationship happen.
Take the chance and voice your desires. That’s the only way they might come true.
She isn’t going to suddenly tell you she wants the exact relationship you had been fantasizing about without first being prompted.
4) Express Your Disappointment
You two are finally sitting down and are talking.
There are many things you’ll want to say to her.
One of those things should be how you’re disappointed that she didn’t answer your texts.
There’s no need to start the conversation off on a negative tone so save your disappointment for a little later. However, refusing to make your disappointment known will make you seem like a pushover, like someone she can do anything she wants to with and will never feel the consequences.
Are you this person?
Standing up for yourself will increase your perceived value.
Let her know you’re not a man to be trifled with and that if she doesn’t want to give you the time of day, fine, you’ll get your emotional and romantic fix elsewhere.
Of course, leave the sass at the door.
Simply tell her that you didn’t appreciate how she behaved and that going forward you expect a more open line of communication.
5) Use “I” Statements
Don’t try and make assumptions about how she feels, especially when she’s backing away from you after a few dates.Â
Don’t put words in her mouth or have a conversation without allowing her to speak.
Instead, use “I” statements to explain how you feel.
When you use “I” statements, no one can disagree with you. When you use “you” statements, it can sound like a threat or assumption and what you think they’re feeling, may be incorrect.
Ex: Rather than saying “you never called me back” or “you just want to have your cake and eat it too” try saying things like “I was disappointed I didn’t hear from you the other day when I called” or “I’d like to be your boyfriend.”
She can’t disagree with how you feel or with what you want.
She can only communicate that she either shares the same feelings or does not. I statements reduce conflict and help both parties share their feelings freely, without judgment or assumption.
6) Be Open to Not Getting What You Want
In dating, you have to lay all your cards on the table.
You have to be willing to face rejection to get what you want.
It’s this all-or-nothing dilemma that convinces many men to not even try. Here’s the thing, not trying is the same thing as failing because either way, you end up with the same result.
Many people are so afraid of conflict and rejection, that they shy away from communicating their wants and needs directly.
You see this when men say:
“We should hangout sometime”
When they should really be saying:
“I’d like to take you on a date this Thursday to Tucci’s at 7 p.m.”
It’s all an avoidance mechanism to mitigate the pain of rejection. But if you can face the possibility of rejection head-on, you’ll begin to realize that, while it may not be comfortable, it certainly won’t kill you.
If you are direct about your wants and needs and communicate them clearly, you have a much better chance of getting what you want, having that dream relationship, and living the life you’ve imagined.
7) Try Not To Future Cast/Avoid Doomsday
Predicting negative outcomes shapes how you act now as well as how you’ll act when it comes time to talk with her in person.
Notice when your mind meandering down a thorny path of negative thinking.
An example might be when these words pop into your mind, “I feel like she’s just gonna shoot me some long text about why she thinks it’s not the move for us to date again and that’ll just be that.”
You can’t predict the future.
You can only communicate your wants and hope she reciprocates your affection.
In the meantime, try and distract yourself with things that will take your mind off the negative thoughts that are cycling through your head.
Things like:
— Hanging out with friendsÂ
— Volunteering your time to help someone is a great way to shift your energy
— Meditation or breathwork is another solution
— Practice grounding, where you walk barefoot outside to connect with nature
All of these are ways to get into your body and out of your head. Recognize when your head has become a dark place and shift your energy by distracting your mind by using your body. For me, I like to jump on the Peloton.Â
8) Outline Your Conversation
It’s weird how ill-prepared we are for matters of love.
If you had a big-time meeting coming up, I’m sure you’d prepare, wouldn’t you.
You’d nail down your talking points, make sure your numbers were correct, and perhaps even practice with a co-worker.
Yet when it comes to having a serious conversation with a romantic interest, we often just wing it.
Preparation will always lead to better results.
Be ready for the conversation by outlining what you want to say and practicing it a few times out loud.
That way, you ensure that you’re communicating everything that’s in your head so she has the best possible chance of understanding your perspective.
9) Read Crucial Conversations
The book Crucial Conversations can be a helpful tool in preparing for a challenging conversation.
This book will equip you with the conversational chops you need to have difficult conversations.
As humans, we’ve been having difficult conversations for centuries but that doesn’t mean we can’t still improve our communication skills a bit.
10) Celebrate Your Growth
Whether the talk goes well or not, celebrate the fact that you had the courage to face the situation head-on, communicate your wants and needs, and be open and vulnerable in the face of rejection.
This is all a wonderful sign of your own personal maturity and growth. Even if things don’t go your way, take yourself out to dinner, buy yourself something pretty, or in some way, celebrate the fact that you were able to have a difficult conversation and you didn’t run away or try to avoid it. That’s huge!
Your Final Choice.. When She’s Backing Away From You
There are now three paths you can take.
If the result went well, continue to date your romantic interest knowing that you’re on the path towards the relationship you’ve always wanted.
If the talk didn’t go well, it’s time to start dating again with the use of MegaDating.
MegaDating is the act of leveraging various social channels to find single women to date. While MegaDating your goal is to date multiple women simultaneously in the hopes:
— Fine-tuning your dating skills
— Finding a worthwhile woman to make your girlfriend
— Figure out the type of woman that’s right for you
Dating one woman is just too slow.
Dating around to find your forever partner is easy, ethical, and will give your dating life the jolt it needs.
To learn more about MegaDating and my best-in-class coaching program, book a 1-on-1 Zoom chat with me or one of my coaches.
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