As you wrap up a couple emails, you decide to check Instagram one last time before you put your phone in your front pocket and then you see it…

Your ex just posted a picture from yesterday with her friends, and there’s some guy in the background that you don’t know.

It hits you harder than you expected. You are super sad and feel that what she did is messed up, “I want to explode and scream which isn’t like me.”

Social media is phenomenal when it comes to advertising the life you currently live and the new-and-improved-you, but it means that this power (intentionally or not) can also be used against you.

Have you recently been broken up with? Wondering how to get your ex girlfriend back in the most strategic way? What do you do when you really care about this girl and are 100% devoted to her? Should you delete her from social media?

Case Study: How Deleting Her Can Backfire

When I went through my breakup, I made the mistake of deleting my ex girlfriend from social media during an impulsive moment. It’s a decision that I looked back on soon after and questioned.

Frankly, I didn’t have a grasp of my emotions. It was an internal battle I was dealing with and likely the same one you are facing right now. I remember unfriending her and thinking, “Shit. Was this the right move?”

I couldn’t look at her pictures and continue my life knowing she wasn’t going to be there anymore.

Here’s something she won’t tell you: She wants to know that you can live without her.

Look, she wants a man.

She needs to be able to trust that you can protect her. That you are cool, calm, and that you can make the right decision when she needs you to. Not an impulsive decision, but the right decision.

Put yourself in her shoes. When you make more emotional decisions than her, how can she trust you?

Continue this emotional behavior long enough and eventually she will replace you as the male in the relationship. It happens all the time and when that does happen, it’s tough to reverse course.

So, how do you handle this social media scenario?

This is what you do: Just don’t look at her profile.

Sounds so simple doesn’t it? Use this breakup as an opportunity to focus on you and take a break from social media. Seeing her selfies and what she’s doing with her friends is pointless, and you need space to recover before you reach out to her again.

When you were together, you probably “liked” and “commented” on many of her pics, but when you avoid social media, she will likely notice that something has changed. Humans are remarkably good at recognizing patterns like that, especially the humans we know very well.

Now, since you guys were close at one point, she probably has no problems asking why you are being different. The secret is in how you answer when she does.

This is where most guys tend to stumble. They can disconnect from social media, but when they are asked why they are acting strange by their ex girlfriend, they panic or say something that’s inconsistent with their actions.

“Uhh oh yea…I’ve been busy and didn’t know you posted something, but like…yea why did you post something cool or something?”

You sound like a moron. Here you are worried about how to get your ex girlfriend back, but she doesn’t want to be with you- and of course she knows you look at her social media.

In human behavior, a person whose words don’t match their actions can easily be seen as indecisive or confused (you don’t want this). However, a high degree of consistency is associated with personal and intellectual strength (you want this).

Game plan: Tell her the truth and be consistent.

Introducing, The I Respect Your Wish Script

The I Respect Your Wish script is about letting her know that you are doing this for YOU (by respecting her wish and making her remember the WEIGHT of her decision).

Remember, she said she doesn’t want to be with you. She isn’t convinced. She isn’t sure. So you owe her nothing.

How do you let her know you are OK with her decision without showing you are hurt or acting emotional? Here’s how.

Entering The I Respect Your Wish Technique:

Her: Did you really just stop liking/looking at my posts on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat?

You: Listen, I respect your wish of not being together, but I want to focus on myself. It’s nothing personal, but seeing your pictures will slow down this process. Thanks for understanding.

[PAYAM’S EXAMINATION: “Thanks for understanding.” Notice how we answered the question, but we don’t care to continue the conversation? You are being polite, but standoffish. This is an insanely powerful combination.]

Her: Ok? But it’s just social media.

You: I understand, but I don’t want to be distracted.

[PAYAM’S EXAMINATION: See how we are basically just saying the same thing but rewording it? As long as you stay consistent with your message, you can keep repeating the same thing just by changing a few words.]

Her: That doesn’t make sense, but whatever.

You: I know, but I’m doing me right now.

[PAYAM’S EXAMINATION: Again, rewording our first point. This time, shifting the focus on yourself. If I broke up with my girlfriend and she said this to me, my respect for her would rise exponentially. She’s putting herself above me? Wow. That’s admirable and now I’m wondering if I did the right thing.]

Her: I don’t understand why you are being weird, we can be friends. You just aren’t the same as before.

You: The same as what? Well, that’s not us anymore.

[PAYAM’S EXAMINATION: “Well, that’s not us anymore.” We are reminding them that there is a big difference between being together and not being together. It’s important to make them feel that difference. They wanted to have their cake and eat it too, but you are showing them they can’t.]

Too many men will be a boyfriend for free, hoping their ex girlfriend will change their mind. But why would she change her mind when you are already being her boyfriend without the title? There’s no sense of urgency, so she’s in no rush.

Analyzing The Effect of The I Respect Your Wish Technique

She’s not going to have any reason to be mad because you are putting your feelings and yourself first. If she’s mad at that, then do you really want to be with her anyways?

You just said you respected her wish, which is a very strong sign of maturity. You want to move forward with your life, letting her know that there’s no turning back on her decision and that this is FOR REAL.

If she was unsure about whether she made the right decision about moving on or thought she could get you back at any instant, you just gave her a firm reality check.

Perhaps what I love most about this entire sequence of exchanged messages is the bigger picture. You have switched some power back to your direction and increased your respect & self-worth, which is much bigger than getting your ex back. Clearly she sees that you are being different, thinks you overreacted, and may not want to lose you on social media.

But, you don’t care.

You are doing what’s right for you this time. You are MAKING THE DECISION. You are being proactive, not reactive. Something she may not be used to dealing with.

After Executing The I Respect Your Wish Technique

“But Payam, did I do the right thing…”

Right now many of you are thinking. “But Payam, you schmuck, you don’t understand…my ex girlfriend is different. What we had was real and she’s not the type to play games.”

YAWN.

These reactions are expected and normal. Let me tell you something you may not know. Every human on earth plays “games.” They may call it strategy or something similar, but that’s just the nature of dating.

It’s like a dance.

• When you go on a first date with a pretty girl, you are on your best behavior, right? That’s not the REAL YOU. Playing games.
• When you want to text your ex girlfriend every second of every day, but don’t so you don’t look needy. That’s you being strategic. Playing games again.
• When she wants to call you, but holds back because she doesn’t want to lead you on. She’s playing games.

The “dance” definitely doesn’t last forever, but it is a part of dating.

Action Steps

It’s pretty simple. Don’t view her social media (this is also a great way to get over your ex girlfriend, if that’s what eventually needs to happen). 

She can easily test your backbone by throwing up happy pictures or pictures with another guy, which is the main motivation behind not viewing it. Guess what’s going to happen when you see another picture of a new dude you don’t know? That’s right, you are going to react.

This can hurt you permanently and throw you off because you have no idea of what the real intention is. Spending that mental and physical energy on analyzing something that is out of your control is a waste of your most precious time.

Instead focus on your own self improvement, because that alone, is better than any advice I can give you.

How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back: To Do Today

Since each platform is different, here’s how to handle each of them:

• Facebook. Hide her profile so you don’t see it in your news feed.
• Instagram. If you are addicted to Instagram, just delete it or don’t go on it as often. Since you don’t want to delete your ex, you can’t control when her next post appears.
• Snapchat. Same as instagram. Reduce frequency and if you used to always look at her stories, stop.

Remember, at the end of the day, your ex wants to know she was important to you. She wants to be a part of your life, but she doesn’t want you to value her more than you value yourself.

About The Author 

Payam helps hopeless introverts with motivational, practical advice they can use to give them confidence, charisma, and get more dates. You can learn more about him on his blog, where you can download his free guide, 3 Surprising Hacks to Be More Comfortable with Women.