It seems like we love using catastrophizing language.
When we have a bad day, we say it’s the end of the world; when our pizza isn’t up to snuff, we call it the worst ever; and yes, when our relationship sours, we call our partners narcissists.
But are you really dating a narcissist or did your partner just do something a little selfish?
It’s true that narcissism is a spectrum ranging from someone with some narcissistic traits to full-blow cult-leader narcissism. Just because your partner seems a little egocentric and tends to talk a lot doesn’t mean a psychologist would consider them to have a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
The thing is, actually identifying a narcissist can be really difficult. Early on in the relationship, you may mistake their narcissism for charm or infatuation. You might think, she’s doesn’t have a personality disorder, she just really likes me.
That may be the case, but to know for sure, you’re going to want to be on the lookout for these signs that you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.
Signs You’re In A Relationship With A Narcissist
To know for sure, if you’re dating someone with an unhealthy desire to be loved and a lack of empathy, you’ll have to see multiple of these traits in your partner.
Love Bombing
The early stages of a relationship are expected to be over-the-top romantic. This is what everyone wants. To date someone for a few weeks and think, wow, I’ve finally found the one.
Maybe you two are spending all your time together, maybe she’s doing all these amazing things for you. She’s cooking, bringing your groceries, cheering you on at the soccer game, and surprising you with a weekend vacation.
Did you just find the perfect partner?
Maybe. I don’t want to be cynical and level this person as a narcissist, but they may in fact be love bombing you.
Love bombing is the act of overwhelming someone with romantic gestures in order to quickly win over their affection. A narcissist needs to have you fall for them quickly because if you don’t it’s a hit to their ego. Remember that narcissists have an insatiable desire to be loved and approved.
The second you fall for her, she’ll start manipulating you. She’ll distance you from your family, demand you spend all your time together, and start treating you poorly.
If things are moving a bit fast, consider slowing them down a bit. Do so by making time with your friends. Tell her that you love spending all this time with her and that you like her but that you don’t want to neglect friends, family, and other priorities. If she is cool with this response, green flag, if she’s not, it’s possible she has some issues she needs sorted out.
And remember just because you’re being showered with romantic gestures doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist. Maybe they have an unhealthy attachment style or maybe this isn’t a bad sign at all. Maybe it just means they really like you.
You should be on the lookout for these other signs to know for sure.
Love And Admiration Is A Drug
As humans, we all have a thirst for love and approval. The thing is, narcissists aren’t quenched until they have an impetuous waterfall of affection flowing in their direction.
Narcissists can’t stand for the light to be on anyone else. If the conversation strays away from them for too long, they’ll put the spotlight back on themselves. They’ll talk about their recent accomplishments (and will embellish them all), talk for hours about themselves, and offer their opinion as fact, even when they have no idea what they’re talking about.
If you notice, they always put themselves on a pedestal while knocking everyone else down. And should something not go their way, they’ll blame someone else. They didn’t get the job because the interviewer is stupid, they got into a car accident because they were cut off when in reality they were doing 70 in a 30 mph zone, and dinner wasn’t amazing because never told her the water was boiling over.
If you suspect the woman you’re with or are dating to be a narcissist ask them to talk about past relationships or friendships. If they’re a narcissist they will blame each and every one of their exes for ruining the relationship. When you ask her to talk about her best friend, she will, but of course they’ll make sure the spotlight is on her rather than the friend.
Lack of Empathy
Here’s the thing about narcissists. It’s not that they are unable to empathize (even though that may be the case for some) it’s that they are unwilling to empathize. They are highly selective when it comes to having compassion for another individual. If you think, oh she cried when her favorite character died last night, so she must not be a narcissist, then the pop-psychology videos you’ve been watching on TikTok have been misleading you.
According to the American Psychiatric Association, narcissists simply lack empathy. They are “unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” They can in fact have empathy for another, however they just don’t display their empathy very often.
Liar Liar
One of a narcissists favorite hobbies is lying.
This particularly comes in the form of gaslighting. When you try to call them out on something, they’ll rewrite history and put the blame on you. So when you voice their frustration at them arriving late to your date, they’ll blame you claiming that you told them a different time and that in fact you’re in the wrong. You will question your memory and begin to doubt whether you’re actually in the right.
This behavior will drive you insane. It may get to the point where they have you under their spell. Now you may believe that you have a sub-par memory or that you’re a bad communicator when in reality there’s nothing wrong with you –except maybe your taste in women.
They Have No Friends
Here’s the thing with narcissists.
They’re incredibly charming–at first.
But soon enough that charm will fade. The people around will reazize that they’re bad friends, they’re not there for them, talk too much about themselves, and manipulate and put them down. No one wants to be friends with this type of person. You’re still with them because you haven’t been around them for long enough to realize how much of an ass she really is.
Of course there are reasons why she may lack friends. Maybe she’s moved around a lot in her life, is super focused on work, or has social anxiety. There are explanations outside of her being a narcissist that would explain why she has no close friends.
That being said, be extremely leery of a woman who has zero close friends. Chances are something is off with her.
Narcissists are slippery specimens.
They shape-shift, change moods on a dime, are charismatic, are master manipulators, and worst of all, sometimes we kind of like them.
I don’t want you to continue to invest in someone who isn’t right for you.
Let’s talk about your relationship and how we can help you identify if your partner is a narcissist and what to do about it.
In our program, we help men like you get the most out of struggling relationships. And hey, if it doesn’t work out, we’ll even help you get back out there and find a partner who is a thousand times better for you than the last.