The odds that you’ll meet your perfect partner are 1 in 285,000. That means you have better odds of being struck by lightning than finding ‘the one.’
So, instead of teaching you how to find your soulmate, how about I show you how to find the right one? Because fairytale relationships only exist between animated characters. If Disney isn’t writing you into their next blockbuster, chances are you’re not going to find your soulmate, but if you know what to look for, you could just find a partner that you will love and cherish for the rest of your 3-D days.
How To Know If They Are The One
Putting your knee on the ground and asking for the hand of the woman you’re dating is something all men aspire to do – but it’s also incredibly risky business.
In The States, about 42% of marriages fail. But that doesn’t mean the marriages that last a lifetime are the stuff of Hollywood. Identifying someone worthy of giving your life to isn’t always obvious. When we’re smitten with someone, it’s easy to overlook the signs that a relationship doesn’t have legs.
That’s why I want to give you a checklist.
When trying to figure out how to know if they are the (right) one, you’ll want to make sure you and your partner have created a relationship that checks off this list of relationship features.
Feeling At Home
There is something about stepping into your home that makes you breathe easier. When you shut that door to the outside world, you can kick your shoes off and let your guard down. We get this same sensation when we’re with our ideal partner.
There is a kind of safety that’s necessary to create a vulnerable and intimate relationship. I’m sure you’ve been in a relationship before where you don’t quite feel like you can let your guard down. Maybe the person opposite you likes to judge or gossip; maybe they themselves haven’t let their guard down, and as a consequence, you can’t either. We’ve all dated or have had a friend who puts up walls and makes it difficult to create a safe environment.
We may enjoy this person, but they’re probably not the partner you want to marry.
To build a strong relationship, you need a foundation of safety. Without that strong foundation it doesn’t matter what other traits you try to put on top, eventually it will all crumble.
So find that person with whom you can be yourself. Find that person who you feel at home with and who you know will always be in your corner.
Trust, Respect, and Kindness
This is a no-brainer, yet for so many people, they move forward in a relationship despite not having trust, respect, and kindness.
Because the thing is, you can still love someone even though they don’t have trust, respect, and kindness for you. In every abusive relationship, at least for a period of time, the victim will love their abuser despite not being shown even a modicum of respect and kindness. Having a relationship and getting married is easy, but getting married to the right person may take time.
But it’s not all about how your partner treats you. Finding the right one isn’t about finding someone where all the traits and feelings we’re talking about are going in one direction. Trust, respect, and kindness must be mutual.
Do you really trust the person you’re with? When they say they’re going out with friends, do you trust their word?
What about respect? Do you really respect the unique human who is your partner? Do you care about their day and listen to them without cutting them off? Or do you find their thoughts and opinions interesting but don’t take them seriously?
These are all questions you need to ask yourself before deciding to really invest in a relationship.
Honesty
We all appreciate a little white lie here and there. Yes, we women want to be told that we don’t look fat in the dress, and in return, we’ll tell you how big your arms look even though you haven’t been to the gym in months.
It’s our little secret arrangement.
But not all lies are as welcomed. Even small lies can mount up and create tension over time. This is why honest communication is so important. You’ll be spending a lot of time with this person. So if you two can’t have an honest conversation about how you feel, you’ll repress your feelings, and resentment will grow over time.
Learn how to have tough conversations, but also learn how to voice your opinion even when you know it will conflict with your partner. A gratifying, respectful, and fulfilling relationship is one where you’re not just going with the flow and creating as few conflicts as possible but one where you feel heard, safe, and respected while telling your partner what you desire most.
Aligned Values
Your partner can have everything else on this list, but if your values don’t align, it’s gonna be super difficult to not only make the relationship last, but to create a relationship that is worth fighting for.
We all have our dealbreakers.
Maybe your dealbreaker is that you want someone who shares your religion and wants to raise your children with your religion. Maybe you have certain causes you’ll fight for or political beliefs that you won’t budge on. I’m 100% for being with someone whose beliefs don’t completely align with your own. My own partner and I have, at times, contrasting political beliefs.
But we have two things that work for us. For one, we respect and listen to one another. And two, we agree on the big stuff.
That being said, the more different your values are, the more often conflicts will arise. And there are only so many compromises we’re willing to make on our values before a relationship becomes more work than fun.
Empathy
To have a functioning relationship, you need respect and communication. To have a deep relationship with a partner you know you want to spend your whole life with, you need empathy.
Empathy makes everything you do so much more impactful. It makes conversations better, it gives you a level of respect you weren’t able to tap into before, and it allows you to value your significant other in a way that others cannot.
Empathy is the ability to see and feel what someone else is going through as if you were going through it as well. It’s about making an effort to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Empathy takes time to hone. It’s not something we’re born with but rather a skill, or even a superpower, that allows us to bond with humans in a way that others can’t. Empathy turns us into supercommunicators.
A Desire To Grow
It’s possible that you’ve met the finished product and that yes, in fact your partner is perfect. There’s about a one in 250,000 chance of this, but hey, it’s possible.
For the rest of us, we’re falling for partners who aren’t perfect and never will be – and that’s just fine.
But what makes dating an imperfect person more enjoyable is if they’re willing to grow. I’m referring to emotional growth here and also growth in every area of life. Emotional growth is a must because we want our partners to be able to address emotional trauma. Everyone has their baggage, but not everyone is doing what needs to be done to address it. Having baggage might be a red flag, but working to confront it and heal it is a green flag.
Beyond emotional growth, does your partner grow professionally and socially? Do they like learning new things, do they avoid habits, and do they surprise you every once in a while? Humans are creatures of habit yes, but a partner who is willing to change for the better is that will enrich your life and change you for the better.
Finding A The One
Finding your soulmate would take lifetimes. But finding someone that you could imagine yourself spending your life with is more than possible.
You can be near certain that you’ve found this person when you two feel safe with one another, respect and trust each other, empathize, grow with one another, are honest about your needs, and have similar values.
If you don’t know if you’ve found this person or need help looking, let’s get in touch. We can coach you into finding this partner or teach you how to create an ideal relationship.