It’s easy to dismiss someone with an avoidant attachment style as rude, inconsiderate, a ghost, or not interested.
Why else would this person shower you with affection before completely shutting down?
Identifying what avoidant attachment style is and what dating someone with this attachment style looks like will help you understand the person you’re dating and their behavior.
In this article we’re going to dive into everything you should know about dating an avoidant attachment style. We’ll also explore how to effectively talk to them about this attachment style and how to move forward with or without them.
Dating An Avoidant Attachment Style
What Is Avoidant Attachment Style?
Avoidant attachment style is one of the four attachment styles that shape how we form adult relationships.
The other attachment styles include:
- Secure
- Anxious
- Disorganized
The relationships we have with our parents and guardians in our youth has an outsized impact on our attachment style.
Someone with an avoidant attachment style did not have a steady supply of love growing up. They may have been shown affection before their guardian abruptly pulled back.
Now, they show this same behavior as an adult.
They struggle to form emotional or even physically intimate relationships. This doesn’t mean that those with avoidant attachment styles will forgo dating. Their insecure tendencies are triggered when you attempt to peel back layers and get closer to them. Really trying to form a close bond, understand them intimately, or should you ask, explicitly or tacitly, that they emotionally invest more into the relationship, they may feel triggered and back off.
Again, this is because their model for intimacy as a child was flawed. Their parents struggled to be there for them when their child needed them, to have emotional conversations, and, more often than not, did not show displays of affection.
Behavior Of An Avoidant Attachment Person
You won’t immediately know that you’re dating someone with an avoidant attachment style.
In fact, at first they may come off as confident, self-assured, and independent.
They could even be social, easygoing, and a joy to be around. With high self-esteem and a desire to meet new people and make connections, you may think that your partner is perfect, and to be fair, even if they have an insecure attachment style, this does not mean they’re not worth investing in. Attachment styles can be changed.
However, this illusion of perfection may be cast aside once you two really start dating.
Some ways they may behave in an early-stage relationship include:
- Pushing back when you get too close
- Refusing to have certain conversations
- They don’t ask probing questions about you
- He or she will deflect intimate questions
- Cancel plans
- Ghost
- Become annoyed when things aren’t going just right
- Hang out for a short period of time
- They make a big deal out of something small
- Refuse to acknowledge the severity of an issue in various areas of their life
- Not wanting to become “official” or label the relationship in any way
The tell-tale sign that you’re dating someone with an avoidant attachment style is that every time things start to become emotional or serious, they will back off.
They Can Change
This attachment style isn’t necessarily tattooed into their psyche – it can be changed, but only if they want to.
Don’t take it upon yourself to save the person you’re dating. Your efforts alone won’t be enough to change them; to change effectively, they must take it upon themselves to do so.
Here are some ways they can begin to alter their dismissive attachment style:
- Talk to a therapist
- Acknowledge the attachment style and understand how it was developed
- Surround oneself with healthy relationships
- Ditch the mind games
- Identify triggers
These are all steps they can take, but what about you?
Steps You Can Take When With An Avoidant Partner
Again, it’s not on you to change the attachment style of the person you’re dating.
That being said there are some actions you can take to improve your relationship, gauge if it has the legs, or move on.
1) Talk About Your Attachment Styles
In a non-accusatory way, broach attachment styles.
Talk about your own attachment style and ask them about theirs. Chances are they have probably never heard of an attachment style before. If not, educate them.
Ask what attachment style they think they have.
Try to probe as to why they have the attachment style they do. Switch gears if you detect that he or she is getting put off by the conversation. If they are open to having the conversation and acknowledging their desire to change, take this as a good sign. Remember that just because the person you’re dating doesn’t have a secure attachment style doesn’t mean they’re undateable.
2) Give Them Space
If you want to keep them around, you will have to give in to their behavior just a bit.
That means allowing them to distance themselves from you. That doesn’t mean that, if they continue to ghost and show an unhealthy pattern of behavior you should put up with it. Don’t allow them to walk all over you.
Rather, if they communicate that they need space, respect their boundaries while respecting your own. If you allow their needs to be met while sacrificing your own, you’re putting your own health in jeopardy.
3) Have Your Own Support System
Again, finding the support you need because your partner isn’t giving it to you isn’t acceptable in the long run, but it is in the short term if they’re trying to change.
In the meantime, receive support from family and friends.
But even later on in the relationship, should he or she change their ways, you still don’t want to lean on any single person for all your social and emotional needs. This idea that our partners are our everything is a rather new idea that just isn’t healthy. Our partners can’t be expected to be our best friends, lovers, co-parents, bowling partners, therapists, and more.
No one person should be asked so much.
Form a strong community, and don’t let your relationship get in the way.
4) Know When To Walk Away
Rewiring their brain isn’t something you can do alone.
If your new partner isn’t willing to put in the work, you need to ask yourself if you’re ready to continue to date someone with an insecure attachment style.
Know when to stop investing.
To avoid settling for someone you know deep down won’t change, you may consider MegaDating.
5) MegaDating
If you’re in the early stages of dating, don’t stop dating other people yet.
MegaDate (go on 20 dates in 90 days) to determine if you are willing to deal with a partner who has an avoidant attachment style. I’d recommend putting on your dating profile that you are looking for securely attached individuals.
MegaDating will give you the confidence to not settle for someone who isn’t your ideal partner. It will also allow you to compare and contrast singles so you can more easily discern differences between those with secure and insecure attachment styles.
The more you date, the more you learn about who you’re into, the more you explore the local dating pool, and the better idea you have of who your ideal partner is and how to find them.
6) Read the book Attached
Written by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love will help you better understand, respect, and communicate with not only the person you’re currently dating, but people in general.
This book explores each attachment style, why they develop, and how to have better interactions with someone regardless of their attachment style.
7) Ask Them To Take A Attachment Style Test
The only person worth investing in is one who wants to change.
Determine whether change is in their future by asking them to take the first step in confronting their attachment style by taking an attachment style test.
Whether they take it or not, their results, and how they decide to respond will give you an idea of whether or not this relationship is worth the time, energy, and money.
Dating Decoded
We teach our clients the shortcut to finding their ideal match by MegaDating. MegaDating is our dating philosophy and it shapes everything we teach here at emlovz. Simply put MegaDating is dating prolifically with the specific goal of going on 20 dates in 90 days.
This will give you ample potential partners to compare and contrast so you can refine not only your dating skills but also who your ideal partner is.
To teach you how to quickly find a highly compatible partner in just weeks and become the most eligible single in town you’ll team up with romantic experts, each skilled in their own unique area to support you.
Our Team
- Emyli (me), co-founder, curriculum developer, head coach, and I host coaching sessions every week
- Thomas, co-founder, and coach. He’ll lead the biweekly Man Cave event where men come together to talk dating, bond with one another, and support other single men
- Brooke, and Audrey are mock date specialists for men. Go on a practice date with them (and receive feedback) before your next date
- Renee is our anxiety dating coach. As a licensed therapist she knows the steps needed to turn you into a cool, calm, and collected dater
- Hailey is your new stylist. She’s worked with celebs from every industry and is now about to raid your closet
- Tilly is our holistic sex & intimacy coach. She’ll help you get the most out of your sex life so you and your partner are happier between the sheets
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Our Community
And look, we realize that the single life can be difficult. If accepted into our coaching program, Dating Decoded you’d be joining a community of supportive singles and coaches who are there to listen, support, and encourage you as you navigate the single life.
Our program offers every student a lifetime membership (as if you’ll need it) so the support won’t stop until you’ve found your ideal partner.
If you’re ready to find your forever partner, book a Zoom session with our team today. Together we’ll talk about your dating history, your goals and show you how our program, Dating Decoded, can help you find your ideal partner.