According to Richard Thaler, it’s going to take you months, if not years longer than it should to leave your relationship.
Thaler is the behavioral economist that coined the term, sunk cost fallacy. We’ve all been victims of this behavior. Remember when you bought the sandwich for $17.50, and even though it was disgusting, you ate all of it? Or when you bought tickets to see Cats and stayed for the entire movie despite an urge to leave. We tend to invest in things longer than we want to simply because we’ve already invested in them.
Take your relationship.
If you’re reading an article about the five signs you should leave a relationship, chances are you already want to leave. But you’re going to stay just a little while longer because you’ve already invested so much time, money, and emotional energy into this person.
My hope is that by identifying the signs that your relationship is over and that you should leave, you’ll go ahead and finally rip that bandaid off instead of letting your relationship limp on indefinitely.
Signs You Should Leave Your Relationship
What You Want Versus What You Have
One way to combat sunk cost fallacy and finally leave your girlfriend is by comparing what you want to what you have.
Think about what you want from a relationship. Maybe it’s to be happy and supported, to have stimulating conversations, and to grow with this person that you like more than anyone else. Now, compare this to how you feel about your partner. Divorce yourself from emotional ties and become analytical. Consider what you have versus what you want. If you’re not getting what you think you deserve and can realistically obtain from a relationship, it may be time to move on.
Take into account how long you’ve been in this unfulfilled relationship. A couple of days or even weeks in the grand scheme of things may not account for much, but if it’s been months or years since you felt fulfilled, it’s time to reassess whether this relationship is worth staying in.
Abuse and Lose
You know it’s time to pack your bags and walk if your relationship turns abusive. While this may be obvious, identifying abuse might not be.
Abuse doesn’t have to be physical and can be much more subtle than a screaming match.
Here are some signs that your relationship might be abusive:
- Gaslighting – questioning your own reality
- Manipulative – a partner trying to change your behavior to their benefit.
- Selfishness – everything your partner does is purely motivated by their own self-interest.
- Accusing you of manipulation – despite being a supportive partner, your girlfriend plays the victim card and pretends like she’s the one who has been abused.
- Overly possessive – not allowing you to see friends or family. She may also be financially possessive.
- Putting you down – making you feel as though you’re less than your worth.
There are dozens of signs that your relationship is abusive. Here is a more comprehensive list.
You Keep Thinking About What It’d Be Like to Be Single
We all have those moments.
Where we envision ourselves with someone else or miss the rush of going on a first date and meeting someone new.
We wonder what it would be like to kiss someone new and even feel like we’re missing out by staying in the relationship. For those in healthy relationships, those thoughts will be fleeting. But for some, those thoughts happen on a daily basis, especially if a new flame has appeared in your life.
If you constantly feel the pull of other women, you may consider taking a break from your relationship. But before you tell your partner it’s time for a break, assess why you feel this way. There may be no going back from telling your partner that you want to see other people.
Does this desire come from a place of blase in your relationship and a desire to meet someone new, or do you just miss the rush of being single?
Make sure the reason for wanting to date other people comes from a healthy place, rather than a visceral desire to pursue and conquer women.
Growing In Opposite Directions
Think about why many of your relationships up to this point have ended.
Chances are it wasn’t because she cheated on you or things suddenly turned toxic. Most likely, you two stopped dating because you simply grew apart, or rather because the person you fell in love with isn’t the person wasn’t the same person you fell asleep with every night. This isn’t a sexy reason for breaking up which is why it’s not grabbing any headlines. Despite that, it’s one of the most common reasons people break up.
Think of the person you were five years ago. Are you the same person?
Everyone changes. It’s okay to stop dating someone because they’ve changed. It’s okay to stop dating them because they want to go out less, joke less, or are struggling with internal issues that they simply haven’t been able to effectively address. Even if you two are married, recognize that you agreed to marry one person, but that person isn’t around anymore.
Naturally, we’re all going to change. We can’t reasonably expect our partners to be the same forever. That being said, we can expect a certain amount of change. Should they drastically change in ways that we’re not comfortable with, it may be time to reassess the relationship and consider abandoning ship.
Before doing so, it may be worth having a conversation about why you want to leave. That being said, chances are your words probably won’t be enough to convince them to change their behavior. Maybe it will for a little while, but the desire to change must be intrinsic. The moment they realize they’ve changed enough to placate you, they’ll relapse into their old ways.
Five-to-One Ratio
Famed psychologist and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman said that five to one is the magic ratio.
After observing thousands of couples, he found that romantic couples who had (at least) five positive interactions to every one negative one, could label their relationship as secure and happy. However, for the unlucky couples who had averaged fewer than five positive interactions to every negative one, these relationships almost always had an expiration date.
Ask yourself, what is your ratio?
If it’s been under 5-to-1 for some time, you may take this as a sign that it’s time to end the relationship.
And even when you two have negative interactions, how negative are they really? Gottman says that when couples in healthy relationships argue they also make space to do the following:
- Joke
- Express affection
- Be interested in one another’s POV
- Empathize
- Find ways to agree
- Accept your partner’s perspective
- Listen
Knowing when it’s time to leave your relationship, one you’ve invested so much in, can be difficult.
We can help you both move on or try to salvage your relationship. If you want to learn more about how we can help book a call now. Together, we’ll discuss your relationship and show you how you can move forward to create a more positive romantic relationship.