43% of first marriages end in divorce. That number jumps when talking about second marriages (60%) and climbs even higher for third marriages (73%).
But it’s not like couples don’t try to make things work, or better put, don’t enjoy their first years of marriage. On average, couples who divorce will do so around the 8th year of marriage. But for one reason or another, what was supposed to be an eternal partnership comes to a premature end.
We want to discover how couples can go from being so sure of their relationship so as to pledge their everlasting love to each other to divorce just a few years later.
To do so, let’s look at the top reasons marriages end in divorce:
- Growing into different people
- Cheating
- Financial issues
- Abuse
- A sexless marriage
Top Reasons Marriages End In Divorce
Growing Apart
When we think of divorce, our minds automatically go towards the most emotionally charged reasons. We think that a partner has become abusive or has cheated. But most of the time the wedge the drives a couple apart is gradual. It pokes and prods at a couple until the two can’t stand it anymore.
At the beginning of a marriage, the flame is burning at its brightest, but after a while, it’s going to fade. This happens in every marriage. The difference is that those who divorce have their flames completely extinguished. Both couples used to invest in each other and enjoy one another’s company but that’s just not the case anymore. This may happen most often to couples who choose to marry primarily for more superficial reasons, but to be clear it can happen to everyone. The person whose finger you adorn with a ring on your wedding day won’t be the same person who attends your firstborn’s high school graduation. Every person and every couple goes through changes.
Some couples can ride out these changes, while others think it best to end the marriage and try again with someone new.
Infidelity
Up to 60% of marriages end due to infidelity.
According to reports, up to 20% of marriages experience infidelity. That being said only about half of these marriages are terminated. While being cheated on feels like a dagger to the heart, quite often, that blow is not fatal.
You would think that stepping outside a marriage to find sexual satisfaction would put an end to any marriage, but surprisingly, this may give couples a chance to have the most real conversation they’ve had in a very long time.
Cheating almost always happens, in part, as a result of couples not talking. Having open, real conversations about one’s needs is essential for any marriage. If a partner isn’t satisfied, they may seek someone else who can satisfy those needs. The difference between couples who end things and those who stay together is that those who stay together are able and willing to have deep conversations about what they want from a relationship.
Financial Issues
A marriage is much more than a romantic union. It’s the fusing of many things, one of which is finances. This financial union has its ups and downs. Like the stock market, it will have its good and bad days.
Costs like buying a home or caring for children can drain a couple’s bank accounts. To avoid a financial dispute from bankrupting your marriage, you need to have open and honest conversations about money.
Some of the biggest financial obstacles you two will want to address include:
- Not agreeing to long-term savings/investment goals
- Managing old debt
- Spending preferences
- Supporting a growing family
- Power plays
Money is always a delicate issue. That certainly won’t change just because a couple is married. The best way to avoid the dissolution of a marriage is to adequately prepare for major future financial costs and to have open and honest conversations surrounding money.
Domestic Abuse
Around 24% of marriages that end in divorce are due to domestic abuse. Whether physical or mental domestic abuse is the only reason on your list of why you want to end things, this reason alone is enough. You should never be made to feel unsafe in your marriage. Whether this abuse is physical or mental is a footnote, the headline is that you are being mistreated by your partner and need to leave.
However, while physical abuse is easy to identify, emotional abuse is not.
To help you identify this type of abuse, here are some unhealthy habits that are considered emotionally abusive:
- Gaslighting – making you question your own reality
- Overprotection – not letting you see other people
- Accusations of things you did not do
- Excessive criticism
- Name-calling
- Controlling your finances for you without your consent
- Silent treatment
- Refusing to be affectionate or spend meaningful time with you
The quicker you can identify this harmful behavior, the quicker you can get out of this unhealthy relationship and begin to heal.
Lack of Intimacy
Intimacy need not only refer to sex.
It’s true that incompatible sex drives can cause a major rift in the relationship. As couples age, sex becomes less frequent, and for one partner, sex may be too infrequent, while for the other, too frequent. But having an unhappy sex life isn’t always about the frequency. It’s about the type of sex one is having. It’s about making your partner feel safe and loved.
But even couples who have sex on a weekly basis may still cite a lack of intimacy for wanting a divorce.
A lack of intimacy can be illustrated by the age-old image we have of two partners coming home from work every day exhausted, heating up their microwavable meal, and staring at the TV for hours. They don’t have the energy or desire to invest in their partner anymore. Or maybe they are too busy at work or with the kids to make time to connect with their partner in the way they used to.
Instead of having a romantic partner, your spouse becomes strictly a financial and caretaking partner, nothing more.
It’s important that you two make time for each other.
Make sure you have weekly rituals where you two invest in each other.
If your marriage is on the brink of divorce we can help you. We know the major relationship pitfalls and have created a program that addresses the unique problems you’re having. If you’ve tried couples therapy and it still isn’t working that’s fine. This isn’t couples therapy; in fact, we don’t even need your wife to join. This is all about you and the changes you can make to create a more harmonious marriage.
Our program, Relationships Decoded, is all about creating meaningful changes within yourself. Let’s talk more about your relationship, how you want it to change, and how we can help you when you book a 1-on-1 call.