Yes.

Wait, no.

Well maybe?

Wow, this is a tough one, one that even my college Intro To Ethnic Studies professor would struggle to answer.

Look it’s easy to push this question aside and to say, we’re simply attracted to who we’re attracted to. That there’s nothing racist about our preference for one race over another and that our preferences are in no way tied to unfair stereotypes that we’ve been force-fed for our entire existence.

Thinking about how racism may creep its way into our dating lives only further complicates the already complicated process of modern dating. Not thinking about it means not burdening our hearts with yet another moral crisis.

But it is worth thinking about.

Sure on a societal level if we all accepted racism is inextricably linked to who we’re attracted to — we could take steps to right those prejudices and improve society as a whole. But this isn’t some aspiring post-racial utopia where we all read How To Be An Antiracist after our morning meditation.

Instead, let’s focus on how this question impacts you.

If you accept that there are racial preferences in dating and that these preferences are motivated by racist ideas you can take steps to rid yourself of these biases.

Doing so would actually be great for your dating life.

If you’re one of those people that says, yeah I don’t date Asians or Black people (as many in this OkCupid survey said) then you’re closing yourself off to thousands of single women, thus substantially shrinking your dating pool.

I’m not saying having a racial preference is racist.

What I am saying is that there is evidence to support both sides. Evidence that we’ll dive into in this article as we lay out both perspectives.

Racial Preferences In Dating

First off let’s talk about who we are most attracted to and why.

We Want Someone Like Us

Which is to say someone that has our same socioeconomic background, interests, same taste in music, upbringing, religious or non-religious background, etc.

For far too long we’ve let the myth that opposites attract dictate how we date.

News flash, we’re not magnets, opposites do not in fact attract.

Extroverts don’t fall for introverts, punk rockers don’t date Dua Lipa fans, and Dungeons and Dragons campaigners rarely go out with football players.

In a 2017 study, Angela Bahn, an associate psychology professor at Wellesley College attempted to debunk this age-old myth. So she and her researcher hit public spaces all over Massachusetts hunting out partners and testing them on how similar they were. What they found was that couples were deemed to be similar in a statistically significant threshold on 86% of variables measured.

Some of the variables measured included:

• Attitudes toward gay marriage
• Abortion access
• Government’s role in citizen’s lives
• Religion

So what does this look like within the context of dating apps?

Back in 2020 OkCupid allowed users to post a BLM (Black Lives Matter) badge on their dating profiles. They found these users became “two times more likely to match with other users who had the badge.”

It’s true that back in the day race used to be the biggest romantic dealbreaker.

Today that’s just not the case.

You want to know what the biggest dealbreaker is?

Politics.

A 2019 YouGov poll (along with many others) found that on the whole Americans don’t want to date outside of their political party. 53% of Democrats reported not wanting to date outside of their political party.

A Pew Research study from the same year claimed that 71% of Democrats would never date someone that voted for Trump.

What I’m trying to say with all this is that we’re attracted to people similar to us.

According to this study, it’s no wonder why white men and black women don’t often date.

91% of black women are Democrats while 61% of white men are Republicans.

If political affiliation really is the biggest dealbreaker then of course it makes sense why we never see Black women and White men holding hands as they walk down the boardwalk.

But let’s be serious.

Political affiliations aren’t created in a bubble or inherited at birth.

One could argue our political party is a reflection of our racial tolerance. For years some people of a certain political preference have championed racist policies such as the construction of the wall on the southern border, book banning of books that support racial justice, and have rallied against critical race theory.

It’s food for thought, but this is just the first stop on this buffet.

Cultural Rather Than Racial Preferences

Let’s expand a bit on the point I made before, about how we’re attracted to people like us.

It’s certainly too reductive to say that blacks and whites have their own unique cultures and thus are more attracted to their own race because of this shared culture.

Whether you think racial preferences in dating are racist, culture in the US isn’t binary.

It isn’t black and white. 

We have a diverse range of cultures and micro-cultures and a myriad of differences between cultures.

But if we’re going to make the argument that seemingly racial preferences aren’t racist but rather cultural preferences we can make the argument (however shaky) that black and white cultures differ enough to give rise to preferences for one culture over another.

Let’s extend this conversation to include first or second-generation Americans.

We all know someone who is a first, second, or third-generation immigrant. Within super tight-knit communities such as these it’s often encouraged to marry someone within that community.

How many times has a Korean parents or Jewish parent put pressure on their children to marry someone within their same culture?

Now, why is this?

It may be because it’s just easier to vibe with someone that gets you. Finding someone in this world you really groove with is super difficult. What makes it easier is finding someone with a near identical upbringing and shared cultural values and traditions.

This may be why so many first and second-generation immigrants end up marrying each other. Immigrant communities are tight-knit for survival and cultural purposes. It’s difficult moving to a country where you don’t speak the language and have no one to rely on. These immigrant communities provide a safe haven for those coming from afar.

However, we must confess that there may be a sinister aspect to this closeness. If you’re a first or second-generation immigrant you may be pressured into marrying someone from your community for a variety of reasons. One of these reasons may be because our culture is better. Why would you marry that white boy or black man when you can marry one of your own?

Sounds a bit racially charged and ethnocentric doesn’t it?

You may know if you have an immigrant family that these types of things are commonplace in such circles. Marrying outside your race or culture is tough to swallow because outsiders aren’t wholly accepted.

Understand that this us versus them attitude within the immigrant community comes from a place of struggle and fear. It’s not easy being an immigrant, especially an immigrant of color in the US. You, or your family, may have had nasty run-ins with people that don’t look like you. This is why they’re so close-minded and are fearful of breaking the racial harmony your family has created for so long.

Understand where the urge to marry within your culture comes from.

Is it really because it’s easier for you to identify with someone with a shared culture? Or do you refuse to date outside your community and race because you think your culture and possibly even your race is superior?

These are questions that once answered will liberate your romantic life.

Exposure

One reason you don’t see interracial couples all over the place is because this is still a very racially divided country.

Despite the browning of America, in some states, cities, and even neighborhoods people of color are hard to come by or they’re still segregated from white people.

For example, below we have the whitest states in the USA where in most of these states it’s easier to find a ski resort than a person of color.

But even in incredibly diverse states and cities it sometimes feels like we’re living in a segregated world.

The reason for this can be traced back to slavery, but let’s fast forward a few years to redlining laws.

Redlining laws were the discriminatory practice carried out by banks and cities that refused to provide people of color the mortgages they needed to move into a new neighborhood. Redlining created segregated neighborhoods and prevents primarily black families from buying nicer homes in nicer neighborhoods thus restricting their ability to grow their wealth.

This racist policy was very popular in the 1930s but was put to an end with the Community Investment Act of 1977 although critics still say redlining exists.

This segregation often prevented blacks and whites from mingling.

Naturally, if you don’t interact with someone from another race you aren’t going to date them.

It’s funny though.

If you’re going to use this point to bolster your argument that you don’t date outside your race not because your preference is racist but because you never interact with other races because of an explicitly racist housing policy — you’re basically admitting that our society is awash in systemic racism.

Yet somehow you remain untouched by the influences of a racist society.

I gotta say, that’s a tough sell.

Implicit Bias

Even if you have never been aware of racist actions, you still may have acted in biased ways towards a certain race.

Few of us are willing to confess to holding racist beliefs, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t percolating just under the surface.

Sure our explicit biases have diminished over the years. Most Americans are now in favor of interracial marriages, oppose segregation, and believe we should all be treated equally regardless of skin tone.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t harbor preferences influenced by racism.

To test this, one researcher developed the IAT or implicit association test.

As you may have guessed, this test was developed to test one’s implicit bias.

The test works like this, “You’re shown words and faces. The words may be positive ones (“terrific”, “friendship”, “joyous”, “celebrate”) or negative (“pain”, “despise”, “dirty”, “disaster”). In one part of the process, you have to press a key whenever you see either a black face or a bad word and press another key when you see either a white face or a good word.”

You’re simply associating words with black or white faces.

This test has been taken by over 3 million people.

Here are the results.

This isn’t a small sample size. Over 3 million people expressed an implicit bias in favor of White people over African Americans.

Now more than ever is interracial dating and marriage accepted. But let’s not kid ourselves. There are still millions of Americans that feel uneasy about friends and family members dating outside of their race.

But what does all this mean for you?

Questions To Ask Yourself

If you’re the kind of person that only dates women of your same race or you exclude particular races, ask yourself why.

Ask why you’re attracted to them, why you have a preference, and what negative associations you’ve internalized about other races.

Don’t be afraid to ask tough questions.

Questions like:

• Why do I find one race more attractive than another?
• Is it because I’ve been taught one race is more beautiful than another?
• Do racial stereotypes influence who I date?

Understanding how racist stereotypes influence who you’re attracted to is the first step in addressing them. For selfish reasons, doing so will only expand your dating pool.

Next Steps

So…

Is having a racial preference in dating racist?

This article alone probably isn’t enough to answer that question. To further stimulate your mind I encourage you to question why you’re attracted to certain people.

Continue to read, investigate, grow, and of course date.

One of the best ways to rewire how you think about another race is to spend time with someone of that race.

What better way to do that than by dating them?

That’s where I come in.

At emlovz, my team and I teach men how to attract women of all races and creeds both online and IRL with our Dating Decoded coaching program.

To learn more about Dating Decoded and how it can help you find your next long term relationship, apply for an intro Zoom call here.

If you want to see what graduates have to say about the class, read their testimonials here.